In Orange County, Florida, students at Wekiva High School held a prayer vigil before classes began to remember 15-year-old football player, Olivier Louis. The freshman died Tuesday after collapsing on the football field during practice.
Sadly, this is all-to-common an occurrence in Central Florida, where August and ungodly heat go hand in hand like a bunch of sweaty hands at a hand-holding conference. And as high school football season gets going, it's time that we all take a look at who's genuinely responsible for the death of young Oliver. He was, after all, just a 15-year-old boy, killed while practicing a child's game in the blistering Florida heat. And due to the body-worshiping nature of society, no one has ever had the stones to identify, let alone go after, the real culprit behind the death of this 15-year-old football player.
Fortunately for you, I'm here to help. And I've even got the spare time with which to groove said help.
You see, the reason that all children anywhere ever die during high school football is because they bother to play high school football. Now, before you start accusing me of blaming the victim here, please understand that I know too much about American culture to bother to express that the applicable parties be blamed for their own failures. That's simply not how we do it in the good ole USA anymore. No, we must find someone else to blame. And because we cannot blame the school system (football is the same pretty much everywhere) and because we cannot blame the coach (he's a good guy, I swear) we must look to the culprit most likely at fault any time a young man dies doing something stupid: the male hormones.
Truth be known, any man anywhere would trade a year of high school football for five quality hours of sex.You see, if men didn't have hormones that told them that women must be attracted to them so they will have something awesome to do with their penises, then men would never bother playing a sport primarily known for foul odor and pain. If men had no interest in girls, they would have no interest in football. Therefore I am taking this opportunity to beg of all females everywhere: please, for the good of humanity, stop finding football players attractive.
Oliver Louis may have liked football. Heck, he may have even loved football. But truth be known, any man anywhere would trade a year of high school football for five quality hours of sex. So it is fair to say that the late Oliver Louis loved sex. It is also fair to say that his route to funky loving was one taken by many teenage males all across the country: he sought popularity through football, and sex through popularity. And for his effort, he was murdered by a combination of his own genetics, his horniness and the stifling Florida heat.
Had Oliver Louis attended school in a climate that rewarded sexual favors based on academic excellence, and/or debate team prowess or even like a "wow, see how many pistachios he can catch in his mouth at the same time" kind of hierarchy, then he would still be alive today because he would never have considered the kind of hard work and pain it takes to play football in the blazing sauna that is Central Florida.
But no. You see, bitches love ballers and brothers have to get laid.
So this one is on you, women of America. You killed Oliver Louis by fucking football players. I hope you whores can live with yourselves.