“Life is Wonderful”
By Ron Jeremy
Hello, hello! I understand you are going through a rough time right now. And you will go through many rough times in the future, I'm sure. I've been through rough times, too. I know how to get through them.
It is easy.
Whenever something goes wrong, whenever you are a having a bad day, just remember: you're going to have sex a ton of times today.
Your wife left you? Don't worry, the orgy later today will cheer you up.
The grocery store was out of Cheez-Its? No problem, having sex with that virgin later will make up for it.
Having money problems? Perform the money shot.
Just diagnosed with a cold? Hey, at least you're going to be filming “Naughty Nuns 9” later, remember?
Always remember: you're going to have tons of sex today. Everything will be great.
Hey, it works for me.
Bonus: Ron Jeremy Advice Q&A!
Hello my friends! It is I, the Great Ronald Jeremy. You have many questions, I'm sure, about love, life, sex, relationships, beef, etcetera. You may think to yourself, “Ron, how can I have sex with beautiful women like you?” And then I would say, “I'm not a beautiful woman.”
Quick Fun Fact: I invented blowjobs when I was 10.
You may have questions like, “What's the meaning of life?” “What's a sex position that will both give my partner an orgasm and temporarily paralyze her?” “How do I tell my grandma she's old?” Well, my friends, I have the answers to these questions and many more.
So do not be shy. Type until your fingers hurt. Ask all the questions you've been meaning to ask, but have been too scared to. I will not judge you, my friends. You are all my children. (I mean that literally, since I probably had sex with your mother.)
No question is off limits. Do you have a burning sexual issue? It's probably herpes. Are you unsure if you're pregnant or not? Abortion. You can never be too sure. I recommend getting routine abortions every three weeks. It can't hurt.
So let's get to the questions. I am very excited to start this advice column, and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. I'm here to help.
“Ron Jeremy? Isn't that the fat, short, old, greasy piece of shit porn star? Why would I take any advice that this vile, wretched, ugly human being has to offer? My dick is more attractive than his face.”
-Bob, United States
I don't know, and that hurts my feelings.
“Wait…Ron Jeremy– isn't that the slimy greaseball who makes God blush in embarrassment for creating him? I heard that disgusting creature can't read. Is that true?”
-Jim, United States
Well, yes, that's true. Tell me who told you that!
“Ron Jeremy– how does that cum dumpster get to have sex with all those beautiful, young girls? Every time I'm watching a porno and that revolting vulture makes an appearance, it ruins the porno and I need to up my dosage of Viagra. Then I start to enter a week-long fit of suicidal depression. He is exactly what's wrong with this world, exactly what is unfair about life. Seeing him enter a chick is like being told Santa isn't real over and over again.”
-John, Canada
Was that a question? …I'm sorry for ruining your life.
“Ron Jeremy I hope you die in a horrible accident involving your colon and prostate being ripped out of your insides in an incredibly bloody and vicious and merciless event hopefully involving a chainsaw attached to a flamethrower and I hope this super-powered chainsaw/flamethrower/sandpaper-covered cheese grater also slices your repulsive fat penis rendering it useless and you must live for a year after the ‘accident' having to explain to the women you were scheduled to have sex with why your penis looks slightly different than it did before and how you can't physically have sex anymore so you have to turn down naked woman after naked woman while an excruciating burning pain permeates your asshole, testicles, and penis.”
-Rick Moretti, New Fucking Jersey