« Back to Rad New Inventions for College Kids, Part 1
Are you finding your closet isn't cluttered with enough crap? Still having trouble finding where all the sluts are? Keep losing friends because your drunk ass keeps texting your sleeping friends?
Well, ladies and gentlemen, you need me, but most of all, you need my inventions. They're sure to make your life/love life/online life/Half-Life better. Be the first on your block to get these great products!!!
Anything Breathalyzer
Too drunk to turn yourself on? Looks like she's gonna have to do it for you.Tired of apologizing for drunk Facebook messaging your ex-fuck buddy? Or pic messaging a photo of your balls to your roommate's mom? Or driving the campus bus while tripping balls on hash lollipops? Downloading bestiality porn at 3AM? Accidentally erasing your roommate's Final Fantasy game because you wanted to create yourself as a WWE wrestler? Blasting Celine Dion on your iPod as you cry yourself to sleep? Again?
Fret no more, gentle readers! The Anything Breathalyzer fits on all types of electronics. If you're too shitfaced to pass the Anything Breathalyzer, you're too shitfaced to turn on your computer, cell phone, car, Playstation, or MP3 player. As an added bonus, you can put one on your girlfriend's vibrator. So if she's too drunk to masturbate by herself, she'll have to call you over if she wants any sexual satisfaction.
Whore Radar
Sometimes you walk into a bar, and you have no idea if there are whores around. Sometimes, you just can't tell when how skanky girls are when they're wearing Bump-Its and enough shiny stuff to send a blind person into an epileptic seizure.
But sometimes, girls need them too. Because men are also whores. But also, because women love nothing more than to trash a girl who's one iota more whorish than they are.
Plan B Orange Juice
Hey, they're starting earlier and earlier these days…So you forgot to wear a condom. Or that fucking thing broke. Or you just wanted to screw like the pornstars do. Well, be a gentleman and pour your possibly knocked-up naked friend a heaping glass of Plan B OJ. All the morning-after pill goodness is pre-packed into your one-night stand's favorite breakfast drink. Get your vitamin C, but no babies! RU-486? You'll be for 86-ing any babies in your future!
Quote Reminder 4200
You're at a party and the Sprite runs out. Still needing something to mix with your vodka, you open the fridge only to find a bottle of skim milk. You're rapidly becoming sober, so you blend the fine spirit with some moo juice. You take a gulp as your friends watch. You make your best Ron Burgundy impression and say, "Lactose was not the correct decision…" You wait for laughs. Then somebody says, "It's, ‘Milk was a bad choice,' you fucking moron."
Now, don't you feel like an asshole? Not anymore! With the Quote Reminder 4200, you'll have access to bajillions of great quotes. And The QR42K will even suggest quotes for you during opportune times. In the shower, you'll always have a quality Billy Madison line about conditioner. At the zoo, you'll crack people up with your knowledge that tigers like pepper, but hate cinnamon. And bajillions more opportunities!!!
NoahsArk.com
Just like Pandora.com, but without ads, you get to rewind, skip as many shitty songs as you want, and you don't magically get The fucking Strokes songs no matter what channel you choose.
Magic Silver Bullet
Don't you hate when you run out of beer? The Magic Silver Bullet creates beer for you in your time of need. Unfortunately, it's always Coors Light. Hey, I didn't say it was perfect.
Anti-Beer Goggles
While shit-hammered, we've all fucked our fair share of fat people behind the dumpsters at IHOP. Those damn beer goggles. Wouldn't it be great if you could get wasted without doing some charity screwing? Anti-Beer Goggles are the answer. They also subliminally repeat, "The skinny one is shallow and doesn't have a personality. Go for the bigger girl. She might be a Snicker Licker."
Mini-Fridge Leprechaun
Tired of your roommate stealing all your food? Or is your ass getting too fat? This shillelagh-wielding Irish midget will teach you to keep away from the mini-fridge…and his Lucky Fucking Charms.