If you know me at all, then you probably wouldn't guess that my cooking skills extend very far beyond "Probably Won't Cause Blindness," and I wouldn't blame you for thinking so. I can usually be found enjoying a steady diet of pre-made food, orange juice, and shame. But in reality I can cook a few things that aren't cereal, and since I'm drunk enough to think that writing a recipe is a good idea for an article, that's what you're getting today.
Prosciutto-Wrapped Stuffed Chicken
INGREDIENTS
Pair or so of chicken breasts – However much you feel like making, really. Don't go overboard though. No one likes it when you overcompensate.
One and a half shallots, finely chopped – Or half of a big-ass onion since you don't actually know what a shallot is. It's cool though, we all had to Google it at one point or another. No one is just born with intricate knowledge of what the hell a shallot is.
Couple of garlic cloves – Crushed. Or chopped. It doesn't really make a difference. Just chop 'em real tiny like.
Shrooms (psychedelic optional) – Like, twelve button mushrooms will probably be fine. Or more. Just eyeball it. You're going to be shoving this inside the chicken in a minute so just figure out how much you can reasonably put inside the mutilated carcass of a fowl.
Few tablespoons olive oil – Or, if you want to look fancy, approximately one "wad" of butter, if you realize that you don't have olive oil in your dingy apartment.
Cream cheese – Yeah, we're putting this in the chicken. So, the required amount is once again how much you think you can fit in a lump of meat, combined with how cheesy you think your meat should be (pretty cheesy). 3/4 of a cup is probably totes cool.
Two large slices of prosciutto for every breast you use – And yeah, you can use bacon, but that turns this more into an episode of "Epic Meal Time" then the sensual date you're trying to make it. And while I may find the idea of candles, Barry Manilow, and a plate full of bacon-wrapped grease to be the epitome of human sexual progress, many people disagree with my radical thinking. So stick with the classy meats on this one.
If none of the living organisms in your home have absconded with your poultry, then go ahead and get out your cream cheese.Now, this may seem like a complicated recipe, but it's really not. Yes, you actually have to do fancy chef things like cook things up and mix them and roll them, but you're never going to make that special connection with the person you want to bang all night long if you just warm up a two-day-old, slightly crusty bowl of Kraft Easy Mac. So buckle down and get ready to wrap up a piece of meat with more pieces of meat and call it fancy.
Okay, first step. Get a hammer. You should use a special tenderizing hammer, but that mallet you bought to kill those spiders you pretend you're not afraid of will work just fine too. Or a rolling pin (those things you see old ladies rolling pie crust with in all the movies and TV shows), or even a can of beans. Screw it, we're not getting picky here.
So, first off, take your chicken breasts, giggle appreciatively at their name for a moment, then cut them in half the thin way (like you're cutting a sub sandwich. Like you're going to make poultry bread sandwiches). Then you'll have some thinner pieces of chicken. Cut these in half as well. But not like you just did. The other way. You know what I mean. Cut them in half in order to make copies of them. Now, beat the ever-loving shit out of these pieces of chicken. They're thin, but we want to make them thinner. They're going to be wraps in a few minutes.
Set your animal corpse aside for now.
Now, throw some butter or olive oil in a pan, and get it hot. Hot like butter or olive oil that's been heated in a pan. Hot like another bad analogy.
Yeah, dirty analogies.
Anywho, throw in your garlic, onions and mushrooms. Sautee* that shit.
*Flip it around in a pan and make it hot.
Once it's done (the onions will be nice and clear and the mushrooms will be brown, soggy, and honestly pretty unappetizing-looking) you can set it aside. You could like, have someone stand there and hold it for you, or like, a bowl would probably work, too. Usually does. But if you can get someone to hold it for you that would be kind of funny.
Anyhow, now that that's out of the way, go ahead and go back to your chicken. Hopefully it didn't go anywhere. Like, if you have a cat or something, he might have taken your chicken. You will have to buy new chicken at this point. It's just something you have to do.
If none of the living organisms in your home have absconded with your poultry, then go ahead and get out your cream cheese. Slather it on one side of each piece of chicken like you're buttering up some really slimy toast. Thickness is up to you, but I would recommend being generous, because it's in the Bible.
Once that's on, go ahead and spread your sautee mix on each of the pieces. Not too much, because you're about to roll these up, and if you have too much then that won't work properly. Sort of press it into the cheese. That should hold it pretty well.
Next, go ahead and roll it up long way, and when it's all the way done, wrap it with one or two slices of prosciutto, then stick a toothpick or two in it so it holds.
Oh, right, you need toothpicks for this recipe. Probably uh, probably should have mentioned that in like, the ingredients, or something. I guess. Well, fuck it, too late now. I can't actually recommend duct tape, but if you happen to have some, removing it later would probably be better than having to order your date Pizza Hut again.
Once you have secured every chicken roll, I want you to put them in that pan that I hope you didn't put in the dishwasher or soak with soapy water yet. The juices from the sautee process will go nicely here.
Now, you could also bake these pretty easily, if that's more of your thing, but I've never done it that way before. You could brave new waters and try it, but let's face it, if you're still following any of my cooking advice by this point, you clearly have no idea what you're doing in the kitchen. Maybe just play it safe, for now.
Cook on a medium to medium low heat, making sure every side gets a turn to cook. Make sure every bit is white on the inside, because trust me, salmonella can really turn a romantic night southward. Don't be afraid to cut into the chicken. One or two of your little dinner lumps can take a cut for the team.
Once you're reasonably sure your cooking won't pass on any intestinal parasites, you're pretty much done. You can go ahead and cut the chicken into little pinwheels, like I do, if you want, or just leave them as wads and let your date cut them. Either way they're pretty tasty.
Side dishes are optional, but recommended. You can get kind of lazy here, honestly. Go nuts. Fuck it, a salad would probably even be enough… if you really just don't give a shit.
There you go, I've done all I can. The rest of the night is up to you, champ. I hope whatever wit, charm, or promise of releasing hostages you used to lure another person to your home, holds up through dinner, and the rest of the night.
Wine to pair it with – Miller Light
All “Recipes to Impress the Person You Wanna Bang”:
Prosciutto-Wrapped Stuffed Chicken
Puerco Pibil with Rice
Amuse Bouche