>>> Beaver Fever
By staff writer Brent Stone
December 19, 2007
We’ve all seen Planet Earth. I say this because even my dad’s seen it, so if you haven’t, you must be living in a cave and all those other generic insults tossed at people who’ve missed a cultural phenomenon. Anyway, I think we can also agree that Sigourney Weaver is a shitty narrator. Decent boobies, bad narrator.
What you don’t know is that she was chosen after literally a few other people were interviewed. I, being a lowly internet humorist, would like to offer you a little insight into why these people weren’t chosen. In addition, being a lowly internet humorist for PIC, I will do it in list format.
Michael Vick
“Here we have two Eastern Timber Wolves vying for superiority of their pack. Obviously the current alpha male is larger and more experienced, so it seems he has the advantage. What most people don’t realize, though, is that size isn’t everything. If you look closely, you’ll notice that the little one has the glint of pure hatred and rage in his eyes. In nature, this comes from the hardship of being unsure when his next meal is coming, but I’ve found that you can much more easily replicate it by shocking his balls every few hours for a couple of days. Anyway, depending on what the betting line looks like, I’d probably put a few thousand on him.”
“Look at those mountain goats jumping! That’s wacky, baby! Awesome with a capital A!”
Carrot Top
“Here we see a caribou running majestically through the forest. They can weigh over 600 pounds, and eat mainly lichens and the leaves of willows and birches. They are also capable of swimming across great distances during their migrations.
Seriously though folks, caribou are great, but here’s a little something for our larger-chested friends in the audience—the carry-boob!”
…
“See, it gives you support in all the right places!”
…
“What do you mean they can’t see it? Narrating over video? Are you f-cking serious? I oiled up my muscles for four hours before this for nothing?”
Flavor Flav
“YEAH BOY! Flaaaaaaaavor Flaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaav!!! Yo check out these fly ass marmots. They be all grubbin’ an’ shit. OH SNAP check out that marmot—he pimpin’! He bangin’ that nasty ass slutty marmot! Ooooh, she nasty! Damn she like them nasty bitches on my TV show so check me out and you’ll see women and me wearin’ clocks! YEAH BOYYYY!!!! MARMOTS!!”
Dick Vitale
“Look at those mountain goats! They’re doing some jumping—watch them catch that air. That’s wacky, baby! Awesome with a capital A! I hear mountain goats eat tin cans. I ate a tin can once, but man, that was a crazy time, baby! I’m living the American dream!”
A St. Bernard
“Woof woof woof woof! Bark bark woof! Woof!”
“God damnit, he’s humping the screen again. Can we just have him do an underwater episode or something?”
Emo Band Lead Singer
“Those hyenas aren’t laughing out of joy. They don’t experience joy. No one really does. It’s their way of mocking society. Here you can see them feasting on the carcass of a dead buffalo. In a way, we all live our lives feasting on rotting carcasses. That’s why I wear eyeliner.”
Tucker Max
“I drink a lot and I’m famous for it—have you seen my book? It’s a New York Times Bestseller! In fact, I’m drunk right now, and if you don’t like it I’ll curse at you a lot and publicly embarrass myself.
Wait, what’s Planet Earth? Nature? Animals? That shit’s for faggots. I thought this was a commercial for me. I’m way more important than nature; haven’t you seen the number of page views I get? Love me, damnit, love me the way my parents never did! Please?”
Michael Richards
“Hey! I’ll say whatever I want about that black bear! He roared in the middle of my voiceover! HOW DARE YOU TREAT ME LIKE THIS?! I AM KRAMER!”
A Stereotypical Planet Earth Viewer
“Dude, look at the desert man. I bet it goes like forever. I think it’s making my face tingle. Duuuuuuuuuuude. They definitely don’t have Hot Pockets in the desert. I wish we had Hot Pockets. Dude, will you go get some Hot Pockets? Whoa dude! Check out that cougar! What if we had a cougar? I’d like train it to get me Hot Pockets. Dude let’s get a cougar and name it Jeffrey.”
*Hysterical laughter*
“Dude? Wait, why am I in a recording studio? Damn, I knew I shouldn’t have bought from a guy in a parking lot.”