Slut Bag U

Everybody at college acquires a mental list of the people they want to hook up with before they graduate. I've got a list. And granted it may be small, (small school + band geeks = small list) but it's going to be a challenge. I couldn't imagine my list at a Big Ten school. It would be a goddamn telephone directory.

But at one point during this four year sexual transformation, some people cross a mysterious invisible line that takes them from being known as Melissa to Slutty Mel. What really defines a slut? How does one become a “slut bag?” And once you go slut can there ever be any turning back? What are girls called before they are sluts? Virgins?

Seriously though, how many blowjobs does a girl have to give before she's considered a slut? Four times total? Four times in one school year? Four times to four guys in the same frat house? Four times to four guys in the same frat house on the same night? Four times to four guys in the same frat house on the same night while in the same room and having photos of the event plastered lovingly on someone's Webshots Community Photos? WHERE DOES IT END?

My definition of a slut: Any girl that goes after a guy I like, whether she knows I like him or not. And she's a bigger slut if she gets chosen over me. I realize that my logic and rationale must prove astounding at this point so here's another ode to sluts…

Old McCollege had a campus E I E I O
And on this campus he has some sluts E I E I O
With jerk jerk here and pull pull there.
Here a tug, there tug, everywhere a handjob!
Old McCollege had a campus E I E I – SLUT!

Most of women who watch Sex and the City can identify themselves with one of the women onscreen. Miranda—bitter and angry at men for not having enough sex (maybe because her haircut looked like a man's for the first three seasons). Carrie—trying to land Mr. Big while swimming in credit card debt (that's me). Charlotte—the one friend of yours who's in college to major in her MRS. degree. And finally, Slutty Samantha—the woman who sleeps with whomever she wants whenever she wants and has enough money to keep herself looking good so she can continue having casual sex straight through her golden years—literally.

Sometimes male sluts, aka manwhores, make a rare attempt to play the game straight when they find a girl who's pretty, good in bed, and carries decent personality. And suddenly they stop being manwhores until two weeks later when they start to refer to their new girlfriend as “baggage” instead of their real name. “Hey Jackson we're going to order a pizza, you in?” “Sure man, but my baggage is coming over at 8 so let's order it before then. That way I can make the excuse that I'm too full to eat her.” See, it doesn't really work.

Even our reading material confuses us. As much as I am a dedicated reader to Cosmo and Glamour, they are telling us something different in every issue. Most people claim this is all just a double standard men hold against women, but Cosmo tells us that in every issue. One month they encourage us to break the lines, the next month they tell us to wait to have sex 'til the fifth date. In December it was “Make Him Wait” and by January it was “The Best Casual New Year's Sex Secrets.” Apparently they can't make up their minds and tell women what they want to hear to justify sluttiness in all of its forms. But I am going to tell you the truth, because I'm not getting paid for this gig.

To all the virgins out there, sucking isn't fucking. This is true. But if you're sucking more than three different people more than five times a week, your jaw isn't the only part of you that should be hurting.

And people if you are going to be “slutty” then use protection. A friend of mine was given a number by a seemingly nice girl in one of his classes. He was later pulled aside by his journalism professor who said (and I quote), “Be careful when you go out with her. She's got herpes. The severely unpleasant kind, and she's spreading it across campus. Believe me on this one. You don't want to go there.” Ew. Gross I know, but it's the reality that scary. So while it's not anyone's business as to how many people your hook up has slept with if anything smells funny get the hell out of there quick.

Everyone's a slut, but the worst kinds of sluts are the closet sluts. You know, the ones who deny they did anything of a skanky nature, but you know it's bullshit because all of her slut friends and foes saw her macking on some townie at a bar while her boyfriend was at an away game the past weekend. It's like the pot calling the kettle black—or in this case, the whore calling the pimp a hooker-booker.

According to one of my friends a slut is a girl who shops at DEB because the clothes are cheap enough to just repurchase in case she can't find where she left them in the morning. Which happens a lot. Why do you think those places never go out of business?

Some girls call Paris Hilton a slut and that's bullshit. If any of the girls here had the opportunity to get with the Hollywood hotties she's hooked up with we'd all be out there trying to be Ben Affleck's rebound fuck. And on a more personal note I'd rather be slutting around with A-list celebs than the division three hockey team any day.

So my conclusion is that everyone is a slut according to someone else. Even your grandma could be a slut. Remember Blanche from Golden Girls? Yeah. She was sluttin' it up all they way down the Florida coast. I used to live in Florida—believe me, everyone's nana is a wrinkled tanning slut down there. Okay enough about old people getting more play than me.

I leave you with a song.