>>> The News: JAY KAY!
By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld
November 26, 2003
The real news (for boring people) The breakdown (for college people)
Thanksgiving Travel Rush Starts Smoothly
By HELENA PAYNE, Associated Press Writer
BOSTON – The Thanksgiving travel rush got off to a trouble-free start Wednesday morning with clear skies across most of the country and short lines at most airport security checkpoints, despite what officials anticipated to be the busiest Thanksgiving holiday season since the 2001 terror attacks.
Well I'm glad Boston is fine. Is everything okay in BOSTON? The more I think about it, the more I want to know how BOSTON is. Asshole.
Thirty-six million people nationwide were expected to travel 50 miles or more from their homes over the holiday weekend – the highest number of travelers in two years, according to the AAA travel group.
Oh, I see, they're talking nationwide numbers. Ahem. That's the sort of investigative journalism I like to see! *Pinches Helena Payne on ass*
“Number one, it's the economy. Whenever people feel more confident about their own personal finances, usually you see a little jump in travel,” AAA spokesman Mantill Williams said.
“And whenever I start dating women I see that people feel more confident about my wacky-ass first name,” continued Mantill.
Gas prices have also been stable, and the weather is perfect for traveling either by air or car, Williams said. “Apparently, they don't anticipate any type of inclement weather throughout the weekend, so we're confident the travel is going to live up to our expectations,” he said.
“That's right,” continued Mantill, “It's my job to expect travel. Shoot me in the face now.”
AAA predicted 4.6 million people – 13 percent of all travelers – would fly over the holidays, up 1 percent from 2002 but still 10 to 15 percent lower than pre-Sept. 11 levels.
Wow, that's some bold prediction-making. Let's give it up to Triple-A. *Sarcastic clapping* Alright AAA, get back to work and fix my damn car. Hey, is AA one of your subsidiaries? Tell them I won't be at the meeting this Friday…you know, with all the wining and dining over an alcoholic feast. I mean, alcoholic, Thanksgiving feast.
At airports early Wednesday, the waiting times at security checkpoints ranged from no waiting at all in Cincinnati and Chicago to 15 minutes in Los Angeles, transportation Security Administration spokesman Brian Turmail said.
Really? I would assume the wait in line to get out of Cincinnati line would stretch TO Chicago. I don't even live in Cincinnati and I want out.
In Phoenix, the wait time was 2 minutes. “The line was longer at the bakery than at the checkpoint,” Turmail said.
Note to self: make airplanes out of croissants. Everybody wins.
“Folks were predicting gloom and doom on Thanksgiving travel, but so far we're going great,” he said.
Hahhaha, who was predicting DOOM? Dr. Claw? Skeletor?? Jesus. Thanksgiving forecast calls for THREE DAYS OF DOOM! Sorry we didn't live up to the DOOM hype, fucking…Lex Lugar.
The TSA offered tips to save airline passengers a few minutes in line, including storing all metal items in a carry-on bag, taking laptop computers out of their cases so they can be quickly inspected, and taking off coats and shoes before reaching the front of the line.
I had to take my belt off, which almost caused me to get my FREAK ON. To no avail.
Despite the uptick in air travel, the vast majority of Thanksgiving travelers will still take to the nation's roadways this weekend. AAA predicted that 31 million people, or 86 percent of all holiday travelers, would reach their destination by car despite a national average gas price of $1.51 per gallon – a nine-cent increase in gas prices over last year.
AAA went on to predict “Little to no Doom.”
“Even if gas prices are high, it's still a relatively cheap way to go,” said Art Kinsman, a spokesman for AAA Southern New England.
Yes its true, Mr. Kinsmen. A tank of gas or two is cheaper then roundtrip airfare during blackout dates. ALERT THE PUBLIC!
Amtrak spokesman Dan Stessel said 550,000 passengers were predicted to travel by rail between Tuesday and Monday. To better serve the influx of patrons, Amtrak has added 70 extra trains, including 31 Acela Express trains. Even that may not be enough for some.
Whaa? Some people need MORE than 70 trains? Are they going from San Francisco to Minsk, Russia? In what situation is 70 trains not enough?
Some travelers weren't waiting until the last minute to get to their destination. Sherice Muhammad, 31, of Detroit, headed home from Atlanta on Monday to beat Thanksgiving traffic, just in case.
And with a last name like Muhammed, odds are you aren't getting on that flight.
“I used to work for the airlines,” Muhammad said. “So I knew I wanted to get out.”
Yeah, she knows what's up.