Nothing says Happy Halloween like scantily clad, killer women that want nothing else than to massacre you with their sex appeal. Halloween is a special time of year that causes people to behave and act in ways that are seemingly out of character and downright deadly. Or are they?
Women dress like trashy whores. Men dress like… well, basically anything that will remotely pass as a costume so that they can attend the parties where women are dressed like trashy whores. Let's be honest here, the only reason an adult male, who can buy as much candy as he wants, would dress up in a cheesy costume on Halloween is so that he can attend the only party of the year where women seem to lose all of their inhibitions and dress as sexy as humanly possible. Am I right? Yeah, I know these comments may seem a little out of character for me, but the great thing about Halloween is that you can pretty much get away with anything and be whatever you want.
So in honor of Halloween, I'm going to act completely insane and reprise my role as a superficial male chauvinist pig. Hey, don't judge my costume and I won't call you a trashy, slutty whore for dressing like one! Let's just try and appreciate each other's costumes in all their extreme glory. Agreed? Good. Moving on.
It's not a big surprise that a man would get turned on by a woman who is so psychologically damaged that she'd try and seduce you, just in order to validate her own self-worth, but then throw in the notion that she's willing to do absolutely anything to sexually finish you off and you'd be surprised at how quickly men will ignore the fact that she's really just a crazy bitch. Even if it's a woman who could easily be classified as completely fucking nuts, one thing's for certain, men love female psychopaths/sociopaths.
In past years I brought you the Top 5 Sexiest Female Vampires, the Top 5 Sexiest Female Werewolves, the Top 5 Sexiest Witches/Covens, the Top 5 Sexiest Female Zombies the Top 5 Sexiest Female Ghosts and the Top 5 Sexiest Female Demons/Devils. This year for Halloween I present to you the Top 5 Sexiest Female Psychopaths/Sociopaths, granted their title for no other reason than their crazy hotness, regardless of how insanely bad their movie or show was. In addition, I'd like to note that I'm including both psychopaths and sociopaths in this article, not only because they're both fucking hot, but also because I can't be buggered to get into a big psychological debate about the difference between the two.
5. Sharon Stone and Jeanne Tripplehorn as Catherine Tramell and Dr. Beth Garner / Lisa Hoberman in Basic Instinct (1992)
These two ice queens give a whole new meaning to the term bi-polar.
The thing I love about this movie, I mean the thing other than the graphic sex, bondage, brutal violence, mystery, and intrigue, is that the entire film itself is just one big giant mind fuck. You are taken for this crazy and intense sexual ride and by the end of it you still don't totally know what the fuck actually happened.
The film starts with some mystery woman tying a guy to a bed frame with a white silk scarf and then fucking him to within an inch of his life, just before then going that extra inch and stabbing him multiple times with an ice pick, pretty cold eh? I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist the ice pick joke, just chill out and keep a cool head about it though and I'll get back to the steamy chicks before you snow it.
The detective investigating the murder case, Nick Curran, is a dirty cop who does cocaine and randomly shoots people—or in other words, just a cop. The prime suspect is the dead guy's girlfriend, Catherine Tramell, played by Sharon Stone, a best-selling crime author whose last book was about a woman who ties a man to a bed frame with a white silk scarf and then kills him with an icepick.
Conveniently though, the book that she wrote gives her a great alibi for having not done it, because she'd "have to be pretty stupid to write a book about killing and then kill somebody the way she described in her book." Which was Catherine's exact response and one that was predicted by the police department's psychologist, Beth Garner, played by Jeanne Tripplehorn. Dr. Garner is also the psychologist that Nick is required to see as part of his mandatory post-shooting psyche evaluation and apparently his ex-girlfriend/fuckbuddy, which obviously is all very ethical.
From the moment Nick starts questioning Catherine about the murder, she begins a cat and mouse game with Nick, driving him to a level of frustration that pushes him right over the edge. He starts smoking and drinking again and then basically rapes Dr. Garner, which by the way probably isn't the best plan for passing a psyche evaluation. Nick then continues his investigative/horndog pursuit of Catherine and discovers that not only does she know everything about him, stuff he only shared in psychological sessions with Dr. Garner, but that Catherine also surrounds herself with murderers and psychopaths for writing/research purposes. Although, given the amount of female psychopath/sociopath movies I've watched over the last month, I can kind of relate.
Eventually everything around Nick starts unravelling even further as he becomes a suspect in the murder of the Internal Affairs guy that's been investigating him. Then Catherine's girlfriend tries to kill him…
Oh, did I not mention that Catherine was also into women? Yeah this movie has it all.
Along those lines Nick then discovers that Dr. Garner not only betrayed his doctor/patient/fuckbuddy confidentiality, but has also herself had an obsessive sexual relationship with Catherine back in college, thereby making her now a prime suspect in the original murder case.
Seriously, who even gives a fuck about that guy in the beginning of the movie at this point though, right?
Anyway, it all comes to a head at the end of the movie, with even more people getting murdered and you still don't have any fucking idea who actually killed who? One thing you do figure out though is that you'd love to be Nick Curran in all of this, because he still got to fuck the hell out of two of the craziest, most manipulative, psychotic women in town and lived to tell the tale.
Sharon Stone and Jeanne Tripplehorn, you can act out your most basic instincts on me whenever you like.
4. Neve Campbell and Denise Richards as Suzie Toller and Kelly Van Ryan in Wild Things (1998)
I incest that you watch these two wild things go at it, you won't regret it… much.
Believe it or not, these two hotties come in at a close second when it comes to what everyone in this movie desires most, which is actually money. The plot centers around a very public trial in which these two women, the wealthy cheerleader Kelly Van Ryan played by Denise Richards and the social misfit swamp rat Suzie Toller played by Neve Campbell, accuse the high school guidance counselor, Sam Lombardo played by Matt Dillon, of rape. Confused yet? Just wait, I'm only getting started. Lombardo hires an ambulance chaser low life lawyer Kenneth Bowden played by Bill Murray to defend him against the best lawyer Kelly Van Ryan's widowed mother can buy. The crime was investigated by a dirty police detective Ray Duquette played by Kevin Bacon and his straight laced partner Gloria played by Daphne Rubin-Vega.
Okay, pay attention, because I'm only going to do this once. At the trial Suzie admits that she and Kelly made up the rapes to get revenge on Lombardo. Suzie did it because Lombardo failed to bail her out of jail on a drug charge issued by Duquette. Kelly did it because Lombardo had an affair with her mother, Sandra, which led to Kelly's father killing himself. Sandra negotiates a defamation settlement with Lombardo and Bowden for $8.5 million. However, what Sandra doesn't know is that Lombardo and the two women are actually working together to get the money from her. After the settlement Sam, Kelly and Suzie all have sex together in order to celebrate their success and to also reward you for actually watching this far into this ridiculous movie.
Duquette suspects the three are working together and begins to plant seeds of mistrust among the trio. Suzie goes to Kelly for support and despite reassuring Suzie that everything is okay, Kelly then tells Lombardo that they should get rid of her. Suzie hears this and the two girls start fighting in the pool (catfight!) which eventually leads to them having sex while Duquette films it, because again, you need to have some reason to keep watching this silly movie. Then Lombardo and Kelly take Suzie to the beach, kill her and then dump her body in the swamp. Duquette and Gloria then start investigating Suzie's disappearance/murder and Duquette goes to Kelly's house to question her, only to end up shooting Kelly in self-defense. After Duquette loses his job, it gets revealed that he and Lombardo were working together all along and were actually scamming the two girls. Then Lombardo tries to kill Duquette, for killing Kelly who he wanted to keep fucking, but Duquette eventually gets killed by Suzie who wanted revenge for Duquette killing Davie, Wait, what? Who the fuck is Davie and why is Suzie still alive? Apparently Davie was Suzie's friend who Duquette killed and Suzie witnessed the whole thing causing Duquette to give Suzie the drug charge that Lombardo never bailed her out for. Lombardo and Kelly just pretended to kill Suzie to throw Duquette off. Suzie then poisons Lombardo, because she was still pissed about him not bailing her out of Duquette's drug charge and apparently also mad that Lombardo was sleeping with Kelly while Suzie was in jail. So in the end, as it turns out, Suzie orchestrated the entire thing with the low life lawyer Bowden handling all her financial affairs along the way.
Seriously though, this movie is so convoluted with all its forced plot twists that by the time you finish watching it you realize that the joke was on you all along, not just for having watched this stupid movie, but also because you got turned on by incest, you sick fuck. That's right, one of the many big reveals at the end of the movie is that Kelly Van Ryan is in fact Suzie Toller's niece, so shame on you for getting aroused by incest… more than once. Confusing, I know, but fortunately for you, they made three sequels, with basically the exact same formulaic plot, for you to figure out what's going on (see honorable mentions below). Honestly though, I think they just made those other movies so that they could have an excuse to put another girl on girl scene in a mainstream movie.
Neve Campbell and Denise Richards, you make my heart sing… you make everything confusing… I think I love you… but I wanna know for sure.
3. Yvonne Strahovski, Jaime Murray and Julia Stiles as Hannah McKay, Lila West (Tournay) and Lumen Ann Pierce in Dexter (2006-2013)
Dexter Morgan, you certainly have killer taste in women.
You can't write an article about sexy female psychopaths/sociopaths and not bring up Dexter Morgan's girlfriends as they were all not only incredibly hot, but also completely psychotic.
Let's start with who I feel is the least crazy of the bunch, Lumen Ann Pierce played by the elegant, lovely and demure Julia Stiles. Lumen's "Dark Passenger," or inner darkness, comes from her being a gang rape survivor and her wanting to hunt down and kill all of her attackers in order to try and find peace with what's happened to her. Now call me "crazy," but this is where I start to wonder if all of us might have a bit of a Dark Passenger within us. I can't really say that I blame her, or think she's all that crazy for wanting revenge, which is something to keep in mind when you're leaving your comments below. Regardless, she spends all of season five as Dexter's lover and partner in crime until they systematically eliminate all of her attackers. After the last one has been killed, her inner darkness leaves all together, something Dexter feels is impossible for him to accomplish, and she in turn leaves Dexter to move on with her life.
Then there's Lila West (Tourney) played by the sultry, raven haired, English beauty Jaime Murray. Personally, Lila is a little more my style and not just because I found Deborah Morgan's nicknames for her like, "Little Miss Pardon My Tits, English Titty Vampire and Elvira" a little more like compliments than insults. Lila is a sociopath who hangs out in support groups in order to try and feel emotions she is otherwise incapable of feeling. Call me nuts, but that sounds like a fun night out to me, from a psychological fascination standpoint that is. She's also very creative and an artist, usually stealing items to use in her work which has a very abstract and disturbing sense of style to it. Again, I can't say that I blame her too much though as none of the images in this article are technically mine, unless you count photoshopping and combining them together as ownership. I mean, if you can ignore the fact that she also burns people alive in her spare time, I'd say she's a keeper! Unfortunately, Dexter didn't see it that way and stabbed her in the heart for trying to set him and his two stepchildren on fire. In her defense, they were kind of annoying and superfluous to the show and the writers basically did the same thing. You have to hand it to her though, she did keep things really fucking hot in season two.
Finally we get to the delicious Hannah McKay played by the radiant, angelic, blonde bombshell Yvonne Strahovski. But Hannah McKay is no angel, but rather a manipulative, calculating, psychotic serial killer with a dark side that readily keeps pace with Dexter's own. Like Dexter, Hannah has a moral code of her own in that she only seems to kill people that are somehow a threat to her in some way. Granted there are countless other ways she could go about solving her problems that don't include, stabbing, poisoning or bludgeoning someone to death, but in many ways her kills are for self-preservation purposes. Once again, this is kind of an idea that I can wrap my head around, because it isn't just senseless killing as much as it is just survival of the fittest. In fact when Dexter asks her if she likes killing she tells him, "No," but that to her killing is just nature's way of addition and subtraction. She claims that sometimes a life is needed to be taken, sort of a survival of the fittest. She affirms that she is the "fittest" so far. I mean, it's hard to argue with that logic when you look at her, because she really is quite fit by all accounts.
Yvonne Strahovski, Jaime Murray and Julia Stiles, feel free to let your Dark Passenger take a ride on me whenever you want.
2. Rosamund Pike as Amy Dunne in Gone Girl (2014) and Miranda Wells in Return to Sender (2015)
When this woman is Dunne, she'll make sure you're completely fucked.
Ladies, if you ever suspect that your man might be thinking about cheating on you, simply rent this movie for your next date night and the thought will never enter his mind again. Talk about a woman scorned, this character takes it to a whole other level that is simply chilling. Brilliantly played by Rosamund Pike, Amy Dunne, not only fakes her own disappearance/murder, but sets her cheating husband up to take the fall for it with an attention to detail that is nothing short of staggering. From bleeding herself almost dry, in order to stage the crime scene, to stealing a pregnant woman's urine in order to fake her own pregnancy, this woman is scrupulous in the details of exacting her revenge and I'm not going to lie, I'm a little more than turned on by it.
What? Don't judge me, can I help it if I find her attention to detail, incredibly sexy? I mean, you're reading a humor column based on observations and attention to detail that is supposed to leave you questioning your own reality… what did you expect?!
Anyway, to say that Amy Dunne is both sexy as hell and completely psychotic all at the same time is the understatement of the year. Not only does her plan work flawlessly to implicate her husband, but she also manages to change and adapt her twisted reality to include returning to him and their previous life before his infidelity. Okay sure, she had to slit her obsessive ex-boyfriend's throat, while fucking him, in order to frame him as her surrogate hypothetical kidnapper/rapist, but you have to admire her commitment none the less… even if she really should be committed in a totally different manner. A woman like Amy Dunne is absolutely devoted to whatever it is she cares about and if that happens to be you, then you're either the luckiest man in the world, or the unluckiest. I'd say the jury's still out on that one, but who are we kidding, there'd never be a jury involved with this crazy chick calling the shots.
In addition to Gone Girl, Rosamund Pike played Miranda Wells in the rape revenge movie Return to Sender where she planned and carried out her revenge against her attacker with surgical precision. Personally, I think the end of this movie could have been written a little better than it was and I was a little disappointed that it didn't quite deliver properly, even if she did get to go postal on the guy. One thing that I can put my stamp of approval on though was Pike's performance as a sexy psychopath.
Rosamund Pike, just say the word, I'll disappear with you under the sheets whenever you want and I can certainly guarantee that I will deliver.
1. Drew Barrymore, Jaime Pressly and Shawna Waldron as Ivy, Violet and Azalea in Poison Ivy, Poison Ivy: The New Seduction and Poison Ivy: The Secret Society (1992, 1997 and 2008)
Leave these three be, they're far too rash.
The thing that sets this movie apart from the others for me is the delicious purity inherent within the psychotically crazy. Of course, I'm mainly speaking of just the first film which spawned a series of sequels that are really just desperately trying to recapture the insanity within the innocence of the original Ivy, played by the irresistible Drew Barrymore.
In fact, the second Poison Ivy movie, with Alyssa Milano, I regrettably (because she's hot as hell) couldn't even list here, because they tried so desperately to recapture the innocent aspect of the character that they completely forgot to make her psychotic in any way, thereby deviating from the entire point of the film and this article. In fact, the second movie really should have been called "Antidote Ivy: Lily" because she was more of an innocent victim than an actual psychopath.
In the third movie they did the complete opposite and made Jaime Pressly too crazy and vindictive due to her complete loss of innocence. By the fourth movie they had given up all together and were just using the franchise name for marketing purposes.
Even though all of the Ivy clones are still smoking hot, none of them could even touch the allure of the original. Something about Drew Barrymore's portrayal of an innocently seductive yet impulsively psychotic woman is nothing short of perfect. Her character really just wants to be loved and be part of a family and if helping the family means, moving in permanently, bribing the dog, seducing the father and killing the mother, then who is she to not do her part? I mean, the daughter needed a close friend, the dog needed to be fed, the father was starved for affection and the mother was ill and suicidal anyway, right? It's almost like she's not even aware of what she's doing and is confused why everyone isn't more happy with the way things turned out.
It's that dissociative innocence that makes Drew Barrymore's Ivy so intoxicating and appealing, because she is also so very clearly NOT innocent in anything that transpires, but rather completely instrumental. In a way, you almost feel sorry for her and just want to make her feel better, despite everything being totally her fault… and that's the moment you know that she's got you under her spell.
Drew Barrymore, Jaime Pressly and Shawna Waldron, any time you've got an itch you want me to scratch, just give me a call.
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So there you have it, the Top Five Sexiest Female Psychopaths/Sociopaths, brought to you by a superficial, male chauvinist pig (for a day). I would now like to give a brief honorable mention to some deadly sexy women, who didn't make the final cut, but it would be a crime not to mention.
Camille Keaton, Sarah Butler and Jemma Dallender as Jennifer, Jennifer and Katie Carter in I Spit on Your Grave (1978), I Spit on Your Grave (2010) and I Spit on Your Grave 2 (2013)
Glenn Close as Alex Forrest in Fatal Attraction (1987)
Jennifer Jason Leigh as Hedra Carlson in Single White Female (1992)
Rebecca De Mornay as Peyton Flanders/Mrs. Mott in The Hand That Rocks the Cradle (1992)
Alicia Silverstone as Darian Forrester in The Crush (1993)
Madonna as Rebecca Carlson in Body of Evidence (1993)
Nicole Kidman as Suzanne Stone Maretto in To Die For (1995)
Ashley Judd as Joanna in Eye of the Beholder (1999)
Eihi Shiina as Asami Yamazaki in Audition (1999)
Angela Bettis as May Dove Canady in May (2002)
Erika Christensen as Madison Bell in Swimfan (2002)
Mila Kunis as Rachael in American Psycho II: All American Girl (2002)
Susan Ward and Leila Arcieri as Brittney Havers and Maya King in Wild Things 2 (2004), Serah D'Laine, Sandra McCoy and Dina Meyer as Marie Clifton (as Sarah Laine), Elena Sandoval and Kristen Richards in Wild Things: Diamonds in the Rough (2005) and Jillian Murray, Marnette Patterson and Jessie Nickson as Brandi Cox, Rachel Thomas and Linda Dobson in Wild Things: Foursome (2010)
Allison Lange as Tess Kositch in Single White Female 2: The Psycho (2005)
Danielle Harris as Alissa in Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet (2009)
Melissa George as Jess in Triangle (2009)
Robin McLeavy as Lola ‘Princess' in The Loved Ones (2009)
Helena Bonham Carter as Bellatrix Lestrange in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 and 2 (2010-2011)
Ashley Benson, Vanessa Hudgens and Rachel Korine as Brit, Candy and Cotty in Spring Breakers (2012)
Anna Friel as Eve Wright in The Psychopath Next Door (2013)
I'm sorry ladies, as insane as your beauty may be, I simply had to eliminate you in order to keep it under five. Besides, what's the worst thing you could do to me, tempt and seduce me in order to punish me for your abandonment issues? Call me crazy, but somehow the idea of a dark and disturbingly sexy woman, exacting her revenge on me, doesn't scare me in the least.
So to all the drop dead sexy, seductive, female Psychopaths/Sociopaths out there, I say, "You're out of your fucking mind if you think I'm not already crazy about you."
Happy Halloween everyone!