There are a lot of riots going on in the world today. Unfortunately, none of them are happening here. I like my riots like I like my women: close and drunk. But still, a good riot is a good riot, even if it has to take place in Egypt.
A lot of the stuff I've read about these riots (and I've read way too much stuff about these riots) points out a couple of facts about the United States. Apparently our President and government have not yet openly endorsed a regime change in Egypt from authoritarian rule to democracy because the US pays billions of dollars a year to Egypt to help control the cost of Israel or something (politics are confusing). So our government, on the surface, wants that Mubarak dude in power because of something about the price of oil and war on terror.
US policies literally starve the world. But that's a good thing. Sometimes, much like Homer Simpson, we succeed despite total and complete ineptness. I say "on the surface" because the truth is that it was America that started this Mideastern revolutionary mindset. We are the reasons that brown people all across the oil producing world are standing up and demanding the removal of their totally awful governments that we fully endorsed.
(I know. I know. Politics are complicated. But stay with me and this will all make sense.)
A lot of different factors have to come into place for a revolution to get off the ground. Sowing the seeds of desperation is perhaps the most important part of creating any kind of riotous revolution. Rich, fat people simply do not riot (that's why Green Bay has never, not once, had anything remotely close to a riot). To get people to riot you must make sure that they are super starving. And that's where the good old USA comes in.
A wise man once said that the business of America is business. That sounds stupid because it's a tautology and tautologies are lazy people's explanations. Anyway, the flip side of that coin is that the politics of America are the politics of the world and part of the reason for that is the almighty dollar (put on your wrinkled brow because it's about to get really boring around here).
All commodities (foods and what not) are globally priced in dollars. Quantitative easing (printing money) as I have written previously, and as is fact, creates rampant inflation because too much money begins chasing too few goods. This causes the price of those goods to rise. Since the day the Federal Reserve began printing money to bail out rich bankers, they have been effectively creating a surge in the global and local price of commodities like corn and wheat (which have both more than doubled in the past few years). When you combine that with our leaders' stupid decision to require that gasoline contain corn ethanol (which benefits farmers and ethanol producers and literally no one else), you create a market that is just purely god awful for importers of wheat and corn.
US policies literally starve the world.
But that's a good thing.
Sometimes success happens in the weirdest of places. Sometimes, much like Homer Simpson, we succeed despite total and complete ineptness.
You see, all across the world people are standing up for democracy, for the right to the pursuit of happiness, for the right to govern themselves, and that is a great thing because democracy is super important.
And there is no way that Egypt would have had that chance for democracy if the United States hadn't completely ignored the will of its people and turned the entirety of their economy over to private banks who worried solely about themselves and their friends. Basically, our rejections of the very freedoms we allegedly stand for, and our willingness to rob our people of their own right to the pursuit of happiness, has made it possible for democracy to spread.
(Irony is stupid and hunger is a bitch.)
So the next time you hear about starving people revolting against their government, just remember that said revolting people would be fed if not for the policies of the United States, and therefore they would not have revolution without the policies of the United States. Basically, we made it possible for democracy to happen by helping leaders deny their own citizens basic human rights.
U S A! U S A! U S A! U S A! U S A! U S A!
So don't expect our president or our government to speak out against the regime that oppressed people for all those years… because we totally supported said regime. But don't expect our government to speak out against democracy either… because we totally support democracy. And don't expect US monetary policies to make it easier for poor people to eat… because we totally support killing poor people.
Basically the United States has created an autocratic world regime which spreads democracy wherever it goes by making it impossible for people to eat.
Fuck I love this country. We literally cannot lose for winning.