• Open the menu, point at anything randomly, and just say, “I’ll have this, please and thank you.”
  • Pretend you knew you just ordered a side of green beans.
  • Use your phone light but forget to turn it off, and for the remainder of the meal make it look like there’s a small sun in your pants.
  • Ask what the specials are, then ask what all the regular items are.
  • Drive your spouse insane by having them read everything, even though the server just did exactly that.
  • Memorize the entire menu instead.
  • Carry around a huge old-timey magnifying glass so it looks like you’re Sherlock Holmes trying to solve a crime at Chili’s.
  • Pretend like you weren’t scanning the graffiti on the table that you thought was a QR code.
  • Attach the menu to your selfie stick to see if you can read it from six feet away.
  • Make the “pinch to zoom” motion with your fingers on the menu, thinking it’ll do the same thing.
  • Take a picture of the drink list and zoom in on it, then screenshot that and zoom in again.
  • When the check comes, do your best to randomly add some numbers that you hope to god is a reasonable tip.
  • Tell everyone that you always sign the kids menu and that there was no way you thought that was the bill.
  • Squint and strain your eyes so much you pop a blood vessel.
  • Blame the popped blood vessel.
  • Run to the bathroom to stop the bleeding, use the better lighting in the bathroom to read the menu you brought in with you.
  • Slide the menu under a stall and ask the person there to read it for you.
  • Use a lighter and accidentally set the menu on fire.
  • When the fire sprinklers go off, blame the wet menus.
  • Have dinner at home.
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