“Carolla found himself half-a-glass short of red wine one evening, and… topped his drink off with a heavy-handed vodka pour. The mixture was strong and bitter, so he also threw in some orange juice and a blend of other fruits from the fridge. And so Mangria was born.”
–Esquire
Machismopolitan – Pour 1.5 oz of cheap vodka into a cocktail shaker. Before moving to the next step, shoot finger-guns at the closest person watching. Then toss in 1 oz Cointreau, .25 oz cranberry juice, and a 16 oz Monster Energy Drink. I like the Ultra Deep Dickin’ Assault flavor (sugar-free). Cram some ice in there, and treat that shaker like it’s your bitch. Funnel everything back into the empty Monster can and shotgun it.
My Tie – When you want to give off that Polynesian colonizer vibe with a hint of sophistication, just throw together a shit-ton of light rum, dark rum, and whatever tropical shit you can find in the ethnic part of the supermarket.
No-Homojito – Muddle the fuck out of some sugar, a mint sprig, and a gay lime. Add light rum as a top and dark rum as a bottom. Garnish with mint leaves, making sure to “accidentally” caress the rim of the glass. Sip with both your pinky and your dick out.
Aperol Schlitz – This one’s great for parties. You should probably dust off your old beer hat so your buddies don’t call you a liberal cuck for drinking this sophisticated Italian aperitif. When things start winding down, take two lukewarm fallen soldiers and pour an ounce of Aperol into each (preferably through a Jäger luge). Strap on that sick domepiece and chug-a-lug while yelling “bada-bing, bada-booze!”
White Mangria (exclusively at CarollaDrinks.com) – A twist on the original, but only for the most privileged drinkers (who cough up $22/bottle to keep me afloat between infrequent comedy gigs). For some reason, this one seems to make chicks sick to their stomachs, so make sure to only crack it open in the man cave.*
*DON’T CALL IT A SAFE SPACE, MAN. NOT COOL!
Cuba LiBRAH – It’s just rum and coke without the communism.
Edge-nog – Add an entire bottle of grain alcohol to a vessel so big and empty, you could mistake it for your mom’s heart when you told her you were gay. Relax! It’s just a joke, man! Toss in some eggs, cream, nutmeg, and raw ground beef. Great for holidays. Or Tuesdays!
Nonconsensual Sex on the Beach* – Add 5 ounces of vodka to a highball coconut. Mix in orange juice, cranberry juice, two parts NyQuil, and one part 5-Hour Energy. Garnish with a Listerine breath strip. Wake up alone with your hand in your pants.
*Note: I do not condone sexual assault, but as someone who’s never experienced any sexual violence, I can say I know a thing or two about it. No matter what anyone tells you, it’s definitely OK to joke about it. Anyone who can’t handle it is a snowflake who should try being less of a sentient being with real human emotions.
Hot White Russian Chick – A fresh take on the traditional (Google it, choad). You just substitute heavy cream with hot borscht and then you fuck it.