- My sex life as a teenager.
- The positive nutritional qualities of any granola bar that lists chocolate as an ingredient.
- Tucker Carlson’s sense of irony.
- Areas of American cultural life not entirely dominated by the discussion of Taylor Swift.
- How little love I have for my next-door neighbor Dan, who, though he borrowed it four years ago, has yet to return my Stihl 60 R 36-volt weed wacker.
- The ways that Elon Musk has improved Twitter.
- Houseplants that have lasted more than a month under my care.
- My sex life during my 20s.
- How many “thoughts” and/or “prayers” pro-gun politicians actually have for victims of gun violence.
- The Shakespearean depth of Fast & Furious installments 3 through X.
- The uses of a spare Stihl 36-volt battery, what with my next-door neighbor Dan not returning my Stihl 60 R 36-volt weed wacker.
- The creative, intellectual, and physical shortcomings of Beyoncé.
- Completely legal reasons to use cryptocurrency.
- Any sports or entertainment award ceremony ever televised that was worth watching in its entirety.
- The attractiveness of my yard, given the weeds growing everywhere, on account of my next-door neighbor Dan not returning my Stihl 60 R 36-volt weed wacker.
- How much Rep. Elise Stefanik, who grilled Ivy League presidents about campus anti-semitism but whose social media posts have associated Democratic politicians with George Soros and are continually laced with ideas related to “great replacement theory,” really cares about anti-semitism.
- My sex life during my 30s.
- Good reasons for anyone, anywhere, under any circumstances, to buy, make, or consume a blueberry bagel.
- How welcome I was at the last two years’ neighborhood block parties, the local kids having gotten ticks when they played in the weeds growing near my fence, on account of my next-door neighbor Dan not returning my Stihl 60 R 36-volt weed wacker.
- Emails opening “Dear friend” that are not solicitations for a non-profit, a politician, or a temporarily down-on-his-luck Nigerian prince.
- New Year’s resolutions that last beyond approximately January 18th.
- Rigorous scientific evidence claiming positive health effects of smoking, disproving humans’ role in global warming, or identifying any redeeming qualities of my next-door neighbor Dan, who has not returned my Stihl 60 R 36-volt weed wacker.
- The Kardashian family’s contributions to American civilization and/or political discourse.
- My sex life during my 40s.
- The length of time I’ve spent in a museum beyond an hour that did not involve frequent checking of my watch, my phone, or whether I still had a pulse.
- What public purpose there could possibly be in fining people $400 for public nuisance for an unkempt property, just because they live next door to Dan, who has not returned their Stihl 60 R 36-volt weed wacker.
- Reasons why billionaires would want to endure two weeks on vacation with Clarence Thomas other than that he’s a Supreme Court justice.
- Self-help books that have actually helped me.
- The time I spend thinking about my next-door neighbor, Dan. Or my Stihl 60 R 36-volt weed wacker
- The continued baseball dominance of the New York Mets.
- My current sex life.
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