Imagine him chasing after a ping pong ball.
Imagine him eating a banana horizontally, à la corn on the cob.
Imagine him as a feudal serf in 16th-century Russia. He perpetually smells of manure from spending his days tending to the farm goats, who do not care for his whiny demeanor. He contracts syphilis but ultimately dies when the Czar has him executed because—simply put—nobody liked his vibes.
Imagine him with the body of a lizard.
Imagine him with the body of a hairless cat.
Imagine him having a weeks-long feud with a twelve-year-old on the Call of Duty subreddit.
Imagine him stumbling upon a guitar at a house party. “No, no, I probably shouldn’t,” he says, picking it up. Everyone holds their breath. A smug little smile washes over his face as he strums the opening chords of “Wonderwall.”
Imagine him wearing leggings.
Imagine him licking Cheeto dust off his fingers.
Imagine him calling his grandmother some fucked up nickname, like “Gizmo,” “Googoo,” “GeeGee,” or “Gmail”
Imagine him gobbling down two hard-boiled eggs whole and washing it all down with a shot of cottage cheese. Little bits of yolk and cheese curd dribble down his stubbly chin as he mansplains game theory to you.
Imagine him casually using your toothbrush afterward.
Imagine him skipping around town in velcro shoes (never learned to tie his laces).
Imagine him getting into heated verbal arguments with his niece’s parrot.
Imagine him with pink eye. It’s so bad that both eyelids are completely crusted shut with yellow-green gunk and he needs you to guide him around like a seeing-eye dog.
Imagine him absentmindedly petting a real dog with his bare foot. The dog snaps and bites off his big toe.
Imagine him drinking out of a water fountain and putting his whole mouth over the spout.
Imagine him being full-body waxed by a stern old woman named Deb and yelping in pain after every pull. Out of pity, she repeatedly asks him if he’d like to stop, but he grits his teeth and tells her to keep going—his natural neck hair has caused one too many children to mistake him for a werewolf. He sighs. It is a problem.
If all else fails, remember that experts are predicting that marriage between humans and artificial intelligence will be legal in most states by 2030. Sending best wishes to the brokenhearted!