« Back to Part 1, “Oh, the Hoodies I've Lost”
1. September 5, 2000 – The Band One
Identifying Marks: Your high school boyfriend’s crappy ska band logo.
Acquired From: The back seat of said boyfriend’s falling-apart-at-all-times car.
Last Seen: On that stoner kid you didn’t want him to give a ride to.
Reward: 55 cents in merch sales.
2. December 2, 2005 – The Dorm Guy One
Identifying Marks: Ziljan logo on front, safety pin holding together thin pockets.
Acquired From: The guy who told you it was platonic all year, and then sent you his hoodie in the mail.
Last Seen: Hanging on the back of your dorm room chair.
Reward: Regrets and a safety pin.
3. October 15, 2009 – The Skateboarder One
Identifying Marks: Vans logo on upper right corner, fraying strings.
Acquired From: Your ex, or maybe current, probably ex again, boyfriend’s car.
Last Seen: In a pile of dirty laundry that also has one of your ex, nope definitely current, boyfriend’s shirts.
Reward: An official update to your relationship status on Facebook.
4. April 13, 2011 – The Coffee Shop One
Identifying Marks: Coffeehouse logo on front. Lingering scent of cheap body spray.
Acquired From: That hungover barista.
Last Seen: Somewhere in your car mixed with the apron you wore when you worked at the coffee shop for approximately five hours.
Reward: Axe body spray almond milk latte.
5. January 14, 2014 – The Teacher One
Identifying Marks: Blue and gold with high school logo and “Staff Appreciation Week” on it.
Acquired From: Student council.
Last Seen: On the back of your desk chair in the English office while student council president harasses you about changing his 95% to 100% because his mom wants it that way.
Reward: Getting 100% in the gradebook and failing at life.
6. May 13, 2018 – The Mommy One
Identifying Marks: “Mommy” on the front in Pinterest-inspired script. Breast milk stain by left boob and applesauce stuck to back of neck.
Acquired From: Your husband and kids in place of the facial you were hoping for as a Mother’s Day gift.
Last Seen: Soaking up the rogue spit-up spilling out of your child’s mouth into their lap, car seat, and eventually the fabric of your car.
Reward: No sleep and no spa day. Ever.
7. February 9, 2021 – The Motorcycle One
Identifying Marks: The logo of your ex-spouse’s motorcycle across the front.
Acquired From: The stupid guy on Craigslist selling that stupid motorcycle that your spouse was all, “Look what a deal this is! I’m gonna use it every day!”
Last Seen: In the corner of the garage on top of a dust-covered motorcycle.
Reward: Option to sell back to the Craigslist guy for half of what you paid for the stupid thing.
8. September 9, 2023 – The Hockey One
Identifying Marks: NHL team logo on it, only available to players.
Acquired From: That hot hockey player you met at a bar and made questionable decisions with. Several times.
Last Seen: Folded neatly in a drawer in your new townhouse that happens to have a huge TV for watching sports.
Reward: A bottle of whiskey and a signed hockey puck (with a winky face drawn on it).
9. November 20, 2030 – The Wine One
Identifying Marks: “Hakuna Moscato: It Means Drink Wine” on the front. Polaroid of wine-drunk adult women at Epcot attached with a staple.
Acquired From: Girls trip that resulted in “Drinking Around the World” seven times.
Last Seen: Scrunched up in the airplane seat after drinking even more on the plane and deciding to share an Uber with the 23-year-old that was flirting with you the whole flight.
Reward: Mickey Mouse ears that end up on some young dude’s floor.
10. May 23, 2042 – The Fishing One
Identifying Marks: “I’d Rather Be Fishing” with a picture of a bass (you think? you never really got the fish thing down) on the front.
Acquired From: Your fridge which you opened to find this hoodie and your late husband’s heart pills.
Last Seen: The garage sale across the street. You scooped it up and told the parents they need to raise their little thieves better than that.
Reward: A six-pack of vanilla Ensure because he hated the chocolate one.