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Me Gurk, Stone-Age Man, Me Super Excited About New Year’s Resolutions
Take better care of skin. Already looking like middle-aged 17-year-old
Funny Lists
Bible Verse First Drafts Where Jesus Brags About His Kick-Ass Carpentry
Jesus declared, “Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, because of this table I built. See that consistent grain?”
Interview Questions Regarding Your Resumé Gap from the Time You Were Swallowed by a Crevasse in the Earth
"Sounds like a nightmare. Tell me all about it."
Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Bingo
“When we come back…The Rockettes will perform” (They won’t)
Who I Am Now That I Accidentally Ordered Myself Black Silk Bed Sheets
There is currently a Starburst-flavored C4 energy drink wedged underneath the brake pedal of my car.
Alternative Forms of Voter ID for Each State
North Carolina, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas — A bottle of your signature barbecue sauce (signature must be on bottle)
What the Office Supplies You Steal from Work Say About You
Paper Clips (Smooth Finish): You know the best jazz bars. Your turntable was designed by a Nasa engineer. You run marathons but don’t appear to sweat.
More Accurate Names for Make-Out Point, Based on My Adolescence
Body Spray Bay / Strictly Cuddles Cliff / Not-So-Fast Fjord
It’s Just Water
Thirst-quenching lightly carbonated infused with a blend of tropical fruits enhanced with vitamins and minerals perfectly natural and good for you.
A School Supply List Teeming with Existential Dread
3 washable school "Sure, I’m sticky now, but I’ll eventually be left out to dry" glue sticks
Catcalls from the Final Days Before Doomsday Destruction
Hey girl, let me get your number, along with any additional resources you might have lying around, like a spare oxygen tank.
Musicals That Probably Would Not Be Popular in New York City
Basically this show is the plot of Guys and Dolls but, inexplicably, there is also one random guy on stage who keeps insulting Derek Jeter.