Funny Lists

Weekly funny lists for readers on the go. Quizzes

Ways to Reform the Agitated Bear in the Center of Town

We will ensure the bear sits through an hour of sensitivity training that contradicts the lifetime of violent impulses it has acquired.

Bespoke Tom Ford rapid response tactical outerwear - $475,000 / “Good cop, bad cop” improv lessons - $36,000 / Body camera software updates - $3.50

Surprise him by mowing the lawn. Devastate him by ignoring mowing best practices and race around in a pattern as erratic as his spiking heart rate.

The one where I try to explain to my conservative step-father who doesn’t see color that calling protestors "thugs" is racist.

Strutting is like strolling but you're more posed and thoughtful. Pretend you're a woman in any 1950's film, that's strutting.

DIRECTIONS: Take 2 tablets directly from bottle, and 3rd that spilled on rug. Take irregularly and at moments of peak stress.

Which of the following pieces of equipment can be carried off-duty by employees and even concealed? A) Avocado Masher B) SIG Sauer P320 Pistol

His dad is not here, but he says his dad is everywhere (denial?) / Continues to worry because he knows he's gonna die…. ok ok

Remove your hot tart halves from the toaster. Do not use oven mitts or hand coverings. The tarts will be exceptionally brittle.

Now, more than ever: people you’ve never been in contact with are saying, “There are still ways we can stay connected.”

A towel on another towel means, “These towels are having sex. Do not disturb. The mating dance of the hotel towel is delicate.”

I acknowledge that I can change my sweatpants if I want to or I can wear the same ones every day forever and only I have the power to choose.