“In a press release published on Tuesday, two Department of Energy officials used the terms ‘freedom gas' and ‘molecules of US freedom' to replace your average, everyday term ‘natural gas.'”
—Ars Technica
CO2 emissions > Gases of prosperity
Smokestacks > Beacons of progress
Crude oil > Liquid America
Fracking > Rock ‘n roll drilling
Trucks > Guzzlers of glory
Solar power > Hippie juice
Wind power > Big bad wolf breath
Nuclear power plants > Chernobyl factories
Electric vehicles > Treason buggies
Miles per gallon > Puppies killed per second
Kilowatt-hours of electricity used > How much you love your children
Natural disasters > Earth hiccups
Climate change > Just plain old regular weather, nothing to see here
Rising sea levels > Beachfront expansion
Black lung > Peak patriotism
Greenhouse effect > Capitalism’s sauna
Polar ice caps > Ancient history
Empirical data > Just your opinion
Environmental protections > Floofy floofy dumb dumbs
Paris Climate Agreement > Another French surrender
President Donald Trump > Supreme Leader and Chief Climate Scientist
Global temperature > That thing that isn’t important and no matter how high it is it’s totally fine and normal
People of Earth > A bunch of suckers the 1% will leave behind as soon as shit gets real—I mean wait what? No no definitely not, they’re great, the people are great.
OPEC > Daddy
Wall Street > Mommy