Colt flashes the headlights of his performance Model Y at slower vehicles and bestows upon them his leather-gloved middle finger when he silently cruises by. He believes in extreme federalism and that if your aging rattletrap can’t keep up, then you should work harder and buy a vehicle that can.
Politics: Libertarian
Remedy bought her standard-range Model 3 after HBO picked up her first documentary, “The UBI is Not a UTI.” While she believes that healthcare is a universal right, she understands that driving a Tesla is an uncommon privilege and so is careful to yield at 4-way stop signs and honk encouragement at organized protests.
Politics: Progressive
Hans removed the license plates from his Model S with Arachnid wheels so that he can blow through stoplights, toll booths, and restricted zones without being identified. Though he believes in strict enforcement of all driving laws and regulations, he sanctions an exception for himself because he is a really good driver.
Politics: Fascist
Piper never exceeds the speed limit in her seven-seat Model X, despite the flashing lights and rude gestures from other drivers (see Colt above). She believes that the fast lane is further demonstration of a patriarchal society that permits wealthy men to arrive at their destination sooner.
Politics: Woke Liberal
Hunter has a bumper sticker of the Confederate flag on his otherwise pristine long-range Model 3. He believes that the guitar solo is the highest form of art and that the Mexicans, Guatemalans, and Syrian refugees overcrowding our American freeways are the cause of road rage and not his so-called “anger management issues.”
Politics: Nativist
Arlo inherited his deep blue metallic Model S from his late uncle more than a year ago and has not washed it since. He believes that driving in his bare feet enables a superior human-mechanical connection that is lacking in post-modern society and would pick up hitchhikers if they weren’t all serial killers.
Politics: Nondoctrinaire Hippie
Raquel bought her dual-motor all-wheel drive Model Y with the money she made as a risk-taker, job creator and thought leader for a leading brand of performance-enhancing energy bars. She believes that federal highways will eventually be privatized and is currently eyeing for herself a half-mile stretch between Los Angeles and Las Vegas.
Politics: Conservative
Wilson bought his long-range Model X because Tesla offers stock options and grants to all of its employees. He believes that a massive infrastructure project is required to fix our ailing roads and has not had sex since he rounded a sharp turn and spilled a scalding dark roast from Starbucks on his crotch.
Politics: Socialist
Xena races her uninsured and unregistered Model S Plaid+ in the HOV lane, knowing that she can outrun any police car or helicopter, if it came to that. Though she believes driving can potentially be dangerous and grudgingly appreciates the order and efficiency of lined parking lots, she parks diagonally in the middle of two open spaces.
Politics: Anarchist
Ricky drives his all-white Model Y anywhere he wants but will obey instructions from peace officers if they are reasonable and constitutional. He does not believe what you think he believes no matter what you think because you don’t know him and sometimes drives slowly in the middle of two lanes just to piss people off.
Politics: Alt-Right
Isla drives her Model 3 with walnut décor as little as possible but sometimes has to because of the insane lack of public transportation in this country. She believes that roads should transform the kinetic energy of vehicles into electricity and writes inappropriate emails to David Attenborough from four separate accounts.
Politics: Green