The older we get, the more we realize that there is no age that one becomes old. Teenagers were once gods to us because they could drive and 30-year-olds were considered adults at some point, although we still can’t work out how! We sometimes think that we are the generation that will never grow up, but the funny thing is that every generation actually thinks it, we just uphold this mirage of maturity to our kids.
Becoming old is like finding the end of the rainbow, only with a nice cup of Earl Grey rather than a pot of gold. It’s a myth because the older one gets, the higher the age “old” becomes. One thing’s for sure though, we are getting older, and there are too many signs to prove it.
1. Sleeping makes us sore
We’re told that we sleep to recuperate, but you’d swear we wake more sore than when we lay down. Whether our necks out from not being at the perfect angle, our shoulder popped from assisting our neck or a hip replacement is needed from rolling over, everything is just always sore.
Someone exclaiming “quick, look!” results in a jarred neck, a stealthy, midnight toilet visit sounds like we’re making popcorn and the best invention ever is a very long shoe horn.
2. Nothing is as good as it used to be.
It started off with music because the new songs are utter trash, then movies, cars and even clothing quality. But, to be honest, can you really think of something that is better? Technology maybe, if we could wrap our heads around it. Even then, if you ask Alexa to play some “old music”, don’t be surprised if you hear your Spotify account. And why can’t they make a pair of shorts that we want to change before they wear out!
3. When you have a party, no one realizes.
To be honest, we don’t even know if the noise police still exist. Parties now lack loud music, because then we can’t hear what people are saying. They’re done by 11pm, as we’re falling asleep and when we apologize to our neighbors for the noise the next day, they look bemused; “Did you have some people over?”
4. Your day off is spent cleaning.
Cleaning used to be this thing you had to do so as to ascertain the illusion you were a functioning member of society; now it’s nearly the highlight of the week. We still don’t enjoy it, but it’s what we spend our spare time doing and it provides more happiness when completed than nearly anything else we do.
We hired a cleaner once, but spent more time cleaning up before they came than we were doing before they were hired!
5. You have random hairs.
Yes, there’s grey hair and no hair and even hair where it shouldn’t be, but it’s the single, ninja like, random hairs that seem to pop up overnight that we can’t get our head around. We all stare at ourselves in the mirror, so please tell me how one day there can suddenly be an inch long strand from our ear? Are our eyes just getting so bad that we didn’t spot it? And good luck removing it permanently; lasering will only make it shift to a harder spot to reach.
6. Continuous sleep is a distant dream.
An auntie once questioned when we said we fell asleep and awoke when the alarm went off. She couldn’t believe it was possible, but it was the norm for us. Remember that day? We do, we were 28 and it was literally the last night that ever happened.
Now, we find satisfaction if we can count our awakenings on one hand, which is fast becoming a distant memory. Still, better than those nights we fall asleep, wake, lay for an unnatural length of time and finally get up, to see it’s 12:30!
7. Your parents voice comes out of your mouth.
We don’t know how they do it, but sometimes we swear we’re ventriloquists’ dummies being controlled by our parents. Every stupid thing they ever said when we were kids; we’ve said them all this week alone.
8. A hangover is not a one-day problem.
If our memories serve us, there was a time when a hangover was an inconvenience cured by a glass of water before bed. Then, a wasted morning, maybe the whole day gone or even a little tiredness still by the start of work on Monday.
If you were to really go out on a bender now, a week’s vacation would be needed, as well as severe planning to stock shelves, shift appointments and even sorting out boarding for the cat.
9. Your favorite movies are being remade.
Every single time this happens, we always think the exact same thing; it was only just out! And it doesn’t matter if it was a particular good one to begin with, for some reason it starts to seem that the idea pool is running dry in Hollywood, and they think that people’s memories have disappeared.
But try to complain to younger colleagues or friends who have just seen the latest release that the original was so much better, half the time they won’t even know it’s a repeat. Talk about a kick in the not-functioning-as-well-as-it-used-to guts.
10. You don’t give two fucks about… anything.
Remember a time when a mirror was used to confirm your clothes all matched, your hair looked right and you were looking fine enough to go to the supermarket? Now-a-days, mirrors are only used to double check we’re wearing pants.
Socks are no longer seen as pairs, but more free-spirits whom can mix and mingle like teenagers in the sixties, no matter their size or color. Matching means that the top and bottom are both the correct apparel for the season and you may as well be colorblind.
Bonus: You Get Susceptible to Modern Technology Scams
Old people know nothing about technology. You laughed at your mom in the 90s trying to send money to the Nigerian prince? New times bring new scammers always preying on old people. And now it is your turn. New Internet technologies are much sneakier than before. Humans’ behavioral weaknesses are being exploited to trick us. Our reptilian brain cannot always cope and there are plenty internet services to take advantage of this. Online gambling uses this extensively, especially the newly launched social casinos with little regulation. There are already reports of old people losing thousands on slot-like games that are supposed to be freemium. Anyways, it has went so far that some countries are imposing limits on casino play, like Germany. This still does not stop older people from plugging their retirements in no limit casino of their choice.
Remember laughing at jokes that weren’t funny, not mentioning the thing that could embarrass your friend or even lying when people asked how you were? It’s all gone, and it’s actually amazing how people avoid you when you tell them the truth, which is a double win. That’s why everything online is booming; the alternative is dealing directly with other humans who are 90% of the time, annoying.