(KC rides the luxurious subway to Midtown during a beautiful NYC morning.)
NOSE: It smells icky.
JUNK: Eyes, check out that girl's ass. Yeah, yeah. Good. Brain, save it. Oh look, she's turning around. Get ready to…
KC: Oh my god it's horrible! Do you think she was born that way or had some sort of terrible accident?
EYES: Maybe I need a second look. She did have a sweet ass.
KC: Gah! Quit looking! Maybe she got a face transplant from an elephant scrotum! This is terrible!
STOMACH: Well, looks like we're never eating anything cherry colored or textured ever again.
KC: Eyes, focus on the book.
(Eyes starts reading Harry Potter.)
EYES: Books are fun.
MOUTH: You always say, "If you can't do your job drunk, you can't do your job."BRAIN: You know what would be funny right now? A fart. Butt, get working.
KC: Ha! I got you there you bastard. No farts today, I took Gas-X.
BRAIN: You motherfucker, taking away the only thing I like about the subway. Remember when you accidentally saw Mike's grandma naked? Here's that mental image!
KC: GAAAAAAAAAHHH! Why?! You sick bastard!
BRAIN: Payback's a motherfucker.
(The pristine clean subway pulls into exciting Midtown. KC starts walking to work.)
KC: C'mon Legs, move it.
(Eyes dart around at other passersby.)
EYES: Nope. Nope. Definitely not. Dude. Dude. Another dude. Bang her. Bang her. Nope. Dude. Ugly chick. Bang that one. Dude. Old lady. I don't know.
(Because KC's Eyes are checking out butts, he bumps into Short Person.)
HYPOTHALAMUS: "WHERE THE FUCK YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING? WATCH YOUR GODDAMNED STEP SHITBAG?"
(Short Person scurries off.)
KC: Brain, what the shit?! Get this asshole under control!
BRAIN (To Hypothalamus): Settle down little guy, everything will be okay.
HYPOTHALAMUS: I showed that fuckin' piece of shit. I'm a goddamned badass. Don't fucking step to me. Right Fists?
FISTS: Coldcocking suckas left and right.
HYPOTHALAMUS: Bitches can't hang.
KC: Yeah, you're real tough Buddy. That was a four foot tall Mexican. Or Chinese dude. Either or. Turn that bastard off, Brain.
BRAIN: Hey, puppies.
EVERYBODY: Aaaah.
KC: So cute.
(KC finally gets to the lobby of Executive Office of High Profile Magazine. )
KC: What's taking the damn elevator so long?
BRAIN: Seriously, are you in a hurry to go to work?
KC: Wow, good point. I hope that piece of shit crashes.
EYES: Crap. There it is.
(KC enters elevator.)
BRAIN: You know what I bet would be awesome right now…
KC: I took my pill. No luck.
BRAIN: Everybody thinks you're fat.
KC: Uncalled for. Here's our floor.
JUNK: Grab that girl's ass before you leave.
(KC exits elevator.)
KC: Junk, when did you turn into such a perv?
(KC enters office. While walking by Dee the Secretary he speaks to her.)
KC: "Mornin' Dee. How's it going?"
BRAIN: When she snaps and starts killing people, she's going to kill you last.
KC: It would be awesome if she started today.
(KC walks by his boss, Paul Doofus.)
KC: "Good morning Paul."
HYPOTHALAMUS: PUNCH THAT FUCKER! Punch him right in the fucking bald head. Pick that son of a bitch and throw him through the window! C'MON! Do it!
KC: That wouldn't look good on a résumé, Brain.
BRAIN: Ponies.
EVERYBODY: Ahhh…
KC: I don't even like ponies.
(KC sits down at his large mahogany desk and starts up his superduper computer.)
JUNK: Oh! A computer! Type in "Jenna Jameson, blowjob, facial." Quick!
KC: Dude, it's 9:14 a.m. And this is my work computer. And Jenna quit being hot a long time ago.
BRAIN: Actually, I'm kind of interested in the Internet blocking capabilities of this fine eMac.
KC: No! Why would we ever need to research that?
BRAIN: Your fingers could just accidentally type "big titties." Nobody would know. It would be an accident.
JUNK: Hands, quick! Do it! And hit enter.
HANDS: Duh, ok.
KC: Ha! You forgot Hands is a crappy typist. He just Googled "big cities." Who would have thunk, Beijing and New York are big cities? Who's the smart one now, Tardbot?
BRAIN: Guess what? I quit. Have fun getting through the day without me.
KC: Ha! I don't need smarts to write about real estate! So, um, I guess I'll check my e-mail and maybe Wikipedia stuff, then get straight to work. Hmm, no e-mails.
BRAIN: Nobody loves you enough to e-mail you. You're pathetic.
KC: Okay, I'm going to check PIC. Maybe somebody wrote something funny or maybe somebody commented on my stuff. Hmm, nope.
BRAIN: Everybody hates you on that site. You'll never beat DeGraaf or Gaudio. Even that new kid gets more hits than you.
KC: Wow, asswipe. Time to fill you with important knowledge from Wiki. Like this, Mega Man is actually RockMan in Japan. Did you know that? How about this? The British SMLE infantry rifle during WWI and WWII was a .303 caliber. Now isn't that a neat little factoid?
(Three hours pass by.)
KC: Nice, it's almost lunchtime.
(KC leaves for lunch.)
STOMACH: Yay! Let's go to Taco Bell and then get snacks! Lots of snacks.
KC: No. Brain called us fat.
STOMACH: Dick. I want a doughnut.
KC: What? I don't even like doughnuts.
STOMACH: Fuck you. Everybody likes doughnuts. Get one.
KC: No.
STOMACH: Hmm, how about crawfish?
KC: That's not even possible in NYC.
STOMACH: This city sucks. How about Mike & Ike's and beef jerky?
KC: "Can I order a salad please? No dressing. Thanks."
STOMACH: You fucker. You dirty fucker. First oatmeal now this chickenshit? Mouth, don't swallow.
JUNK: Shut up sissies. You know what my problem is? We've worked in Midtown for almost a year and you haven't been in a single porno shop. What's the deal? Let's get some.
KC: You can get porn for free on the computer, everybody knows that.
JUNK: But it's right here. Look, there's so much of it. There's a naked titty store on every block. We should go to every single one.
BRAIN: Honestly, how much porn could there be? How do these places even compete with each other? And seriously, who needs porn to get through the workday? It's not like anybody lives down in the shithole of Midtown.
JUNK: You've got a lot to learn.
KC: Guys, I'm trying to eat. Can you quit arguing about naked movies and let me enjoy my salad.
MOUTH: Hey, I have an idea. Let's get drunk!
KC: It's noon!
MOUTH: And?
KC: I don't like to drink during sunlight.
MOUTH: But I'm so bored. Brain, you bored?
BRAIN: He's got a point.
MOUTH: Let's get shitbombed! They'll never know. They probably think you're shitfaced every day.
KC: Hey, I am relatively important in the grand scheme of things.
BRAIN: Mouth's right. Nobody at work will notice if you're drunk. You don't talk to anybody. You fuck around in the bathroom. You e-mail people and draw pictures of monkeys starting things on fire all day long. They either think you're an alcoholic or a third grader stuck in an adult's body.
MOUTH: You always say, "If you can't do your job drunk, you can't do your job."
KC: I'm not drinking. I don't want to get fired. Then we'll have to find a new job. You guys want to work in Dunkin' Donuts?
STOMACH: Yes!
BRAIN: We could screw with the food. That would be funny.
JUNK: Nope. No girl has ever knowingly had sex with a Dunkin' Donuts employee.
KC: Wow. For once we agree. But, it's time to go back to work.
(KC sits on his throne-like desk chair.)
HANDS: That is probably the best paper clip chain ever made.
KC: You know what you get for that?
HANDS: What?
KC: High Five!
HANDS: Yay! High five! Neat-o skeat-o!
JUNK: You guys are such losers. Let's take pictures of our balls and put them on Craigslist.
HAND: I know! Let's put masking tape all over our face and hands and then try to type!
NOSE: Sniff Wite-Out?
BRAIN: How many more years do you have to spend at a dead end job working 10-hour days and making diddly piss for pay?
KC: Only about 50 more years.
MOUTH: Being sober sucks.
END