No matter how important or powerful you are, everyone always ends up answering to someone. Despite being demi-gods and looking spectacularly good in skin-tight spandex, I figured that superheroes are no exception to this rule, and have taken it upon myself to provide performance reviews for how the world's bravest and boldest fared in 2012.
Batman
Me: Wow, you've had a pretty big year, Batman. I'm impressed.
BM: Protecting the innocents of Gotham is a neverending vigil.
Me: Well said. So, what plans do you have for the future?
Wolverine: I hate Cyclops, bub. We should change his name to Cy-plops.
Me: Gently retract your claws from my scrotum and you can consider it done.BM: I'm going to eat fancy sandwiches in a Florence cafe and bang Anne Hathaway.
Me: Aahhhh… doesn't that kind of contradict your first statement?
BM: Ummm… aahhhh… well…. *drops smoke bomb* goodbye!
Iron Man
Me: Nice suit.
IM: Thanks, I just got it back from the dry cleaners.
Me: Really? What happened?
IM: Staff Christmas party.
Me: Figures. Okay, so on the upside, you saved humanity from an alien menace with a noble and heroic gesture. I'm less impressed, though, by the fact that you spend so much of your time boozing and pissing off your colleagues, which kind of works against your request for a raise.
IM: Give me a raise and I'll build you a suit.
Me: I don't take bribes.
IM: We'll also go out for Shwarma afterwards.
Me: Sold!
Wonder Woman
Me: What have been your primary activities in the last 12 months, Wonder Woman?
WW: *Shrugs shoulders* Nothing much.
Me: Want to go make me a cup of coffee?
WW: Go fuck yourself.
Me: Way ahead of you.
Superman
Me: So Supes, what's up in 2013?
SM: Got a new movie coming out. Back in business.
Me: Nice. So what things do you hope to achieve through this one?
SM: I hope to show the more sensitive side of my character, and build a meaningful relationship with my son from the previous Superman film.
Me: Punch a giant fucking monster in the face or you're fired.
SM: But…
Me: NOW!
Wolverine
W: I hate Cyclops, bub. We should change his name to Cy-plops.
Me: Gently retract your claws from my scrotum and you can consider it done.
Green Lantern
Me: Hmmm, so are you still Ryan Reynolds under that mask?
GL: Ah, yeah.
Me: Okaaaay then, Mr Lantern. Would you mind opening this envelope and filling out the form inside?
GL: Sure, I can do tha…. OH GOD, THE PAPER IS YELLOW! YOU KNOW THAT'S POISONOUS TO ME, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO MAKE THE PAPER YELLOW!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Green Arrow
Me: Wait a minute… you aren't Ryan Reynolds too, are you?
GA: No. I did have a recurring dream for a while, though, where I would imagine I was married to Scarlett Johansson and would wake up covered in a strange sticky alien substance.
Me: Well, there's no harm in that. So what do you do?
GA: Shoot arrows at people. Just got my own TV show, too.
Me: If you shoot Hawkeye in the face I'll let you be in The Avengers and hang out with Scarlett.
GA: Deal!
Flash
Me: According to these reports, Mr. Flash, you have been late to work on no less than 12 separate occasions.
F: Sorry. Traffic has been bad.
Me: It also says here that you can run so fast that you can move between different dimensions.
F: Ummm… hey, what's that over there?
Me: What?
F: *Zoom!*
Robin
Me: Robin, we've had a few complaints.
R: Jimminy jillikers!
Me: Indeed. It just seems like you're not quite taking things seriously sometimes.
R: Holy negative feedback, Batman!
Me: I really want to see some improvement. No more gibberish. No more bright-colored costumes. No more sneaking into Bruce's room every night saying that the Joker stole your pajamas.
R: Holy…
Me: And for the last time, kid, put on some goddamn pants!
Spider-Man
Me: You look different these days.
SM: I decided it would be better if I didn't look like K. D. Lang's twin brother when I take my mask off.
Me: A wise career move. Ever feel the urge to start freestyle jazz dancing these days?
SM: What? Are you crazy?
Me: Sorry, I just have to ask these sort of questions. Okay, so how are things in general?
SM: My world has changed. I'm not the innocent, carefree teen I used to be. The world is a darker place, forever calling my young, fragile body into the line of duty. It is tough seeing my peaceful world slip away, but you know how it goes: with great power comes great respons—
Me: You have amazing superpowers and sleep with the hottest girl in school.
SM: So… I don't get a raise then?
Me: I'm calling security.
Catwoman
Me: Are you sure you work here?
CW: Yes, I just transferred.
Me: On what grounds.
CW: I'm not a villain anymore. I discovered my conscience.
Me: Really?
CW: I also decided that hooking up with a superhero billionaire playboy was better than stealing from one.
Me: You didn't sign a pre-nup, did you?
CW: Me-ow!
Aquaman
Me: So Aquaman, what would you say your key strengths are?
AM: Well, I can communicate with fish…
Me: Seriously? Just get the fuck out of my office.
Captain America
Me: I noticed that you listed "Nazi-Smashing" as one of your key strengths.
CA: Sir, yes sir!
Me: Not reeaaally such a calling for that in today's workforce.
CA: Sir, I can also smash Communists, sir!
Me: Wellllll….. that's a little bit 80's for our needs.
CA: South Africa?
Me: No.
CA: The Japanese?
Me: No.
CA: The Jews?
Me: Sweet jeebus, no! Not even if you do work for Disney!
CA: How about smashing illegal immigrant workers just valiantly trying to provide a better life for their impoverished families?
Me: You're hired.
Hulk
Me: Okay, so just take a sea— wait a minute; you're not the hulk, you're Bruce Banner.
BB: Don't worry, he'll be along shortly.
Me: Okay. Well then, Mr Banner, could you please start by filling out these 64 pages worth of expense claim forms?
Hulk: HULK NO LIKE FILLING STUPID PAPERWORK! HULK SMAAASSSSSSHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Now I remember why I saved you for last.