The fear that began strangling my mind was terrible. Despair and hopelessness washed over my soul as I realized that I could not hide from the powerful evil that lay before me. Sheer dread invaded my senses with such tremendous force that I knew I had to run away. I had to run away and forget everything I had seen… run away and never come back, in the vague hope that the horrifying images of darkness and hell would eventually leave my memory. I wanted to do nothing more than hurl myself on the floor and weep forever, begging desperately for divine protection….
But enough about my date last weekend.
Here are six disadvantages to being a guy.
1. Single guys make easy targets.
How many times has this happened to you: Your friends are all busy for some reason, so you decide to go out to the bars alone. You go out and have a few drinks just to ease your mind and get away from things for a while. All of a sudden, this really gorgeous woman glances at you from the other end of the bar. In one purely magnetic moment, your eyes meet hers, and she gives you a very seductive smile. (You look over your shoulder just to make sure that she isn't looking at somebody behind you…but sure enough, she's looking at you.)
A woman sees right past every material thing you throw at her, so as soon as you run out, so does she.She comes over and starts flirting with you. You have a great time together. After talking to her for a while and buying her numerous expensive drinks, you really begin to think that for the first time in ten years, you're about to get laid. Although your wallet is almost empty, you've been having such a great conversation with her that you honestly believe she is about to go home with you and give you the night of your life.
Just as you are on the verge of success, her boyfriend (who happens to be a professional power lifter) shows up, pulls you off your bar stool, and hurls your helpless body into the antique set of deer antlers on the wall. You are now penniless and bleeding profusely, but not all is lost. The 450-pound girl with the mustache and untrimmed nose hairs has witnessed the entire event. She picks up your limp and bleeding body off the floor and decides to take you home with her. She doesn't really find you that attractive, and on any normal day, she would never have taken you home…but she feels sorry for you.
2. We have to deal with urinals.
If you can't show your woman that you're emotionally mature enough to support her, she's eventually going to fuck "Doofy the Garbage Man" and bear a child for him.Now, I'm pretty sure this has happened to every guy at least once. You're in the men's room at work. As coincidence would have it, you have occupied the urinal right next to your boss. You're in the middle of the urination process when all of a sudden you feel it coming…a sneeze. Dread and panic wash over you but you realize that you won't be able to stop it. You know that if you hold in the sneeze while peeing, you're going to permanently damage something in your body—you're not sure what, but you know it will be damaged.
You finally have to let it happen. You sneeze. The sneeze forces out a fart that you've been holding in all day. The fart is so loud, terrible, and gruesome that you have no doubt all your female co-workers heard it in the ladies room. And just when you think it couldn't get any worse, you find yourself unable to stop laughing at the fart. And as you laugh, you end up peeing all over your pants, your shoes, your boss's shoes, the wall, the ceiling, your boss's face, your own face…and somehow even the mirror and the bathroom sinks.
As you and your boss walk out of the bathroom together drenched in your own urine, you realize there is no way you can ever apologize for what just happened. So you slowly begin to clean out your desk.
3. Women don't take us seriously unless we demonstrate "emotional maturity."
Gone are the good ‘ol days when you could enjoy and laugh about the finer things in life, such as snot, boogers, dog shit, fake vomit, 1970's pornography, melting GI Joe figures in the microwave, violent raccoon sex, other people becoming injured, and the word "douchebag."
If you're in a serious relationship, you need to demonstrate emotional maturity. If you can't show your woman that you're emotionally mature enough to support her, she's eventually going to fuck "Doofy the Garbage Man" and bear a child for him. And when she divorces you and takes half of your stuff…you'll end up supporting Doofy's child.
4. You have to get a job and be responsible.
This one applies to everyone, but it's something I want to complain about anyway…
Because I used to look like this…
But now that I am a college graduate with a real job, I look like this…
Having a job and being repetitive five days out of the week slowly breaks down your mind, robs you of your humanity, and creates brain damage…just like going to church.
5. Women don't understand our sense of humor.
I'll never forget an incident from my college years. A bunch of my buddies and I were hanging out in a dorm room full of females. We all watched tons of commercials and TV shows. Some of the shows involved deep emotional things and intelligent humor. All the females laughed together and gave each other knowing glances (like they understood something that the guys in the room didn't understand).
Then a commercial came on advertising the movie Beavis and Butthead Do America. It showed the scene when Beavis and Butthead meet their biological fathers out in the desert and one of them emits a fart on the campfire that sets off an atomic bomb-like explosion. None of the females laughed. After that, another commercial came on that was even funnier. It involved two monkeys in a bar who started screaming and punching each other for no reason whatsoever. But again…none of the females laughed. They did, however, look at us guys as though we were hopelessly stupid.
I'll never understand.
6. Nothing we do is ever right.
I don't know about you, but sometimes I like to spend an entire day drinking and smoking on my porch while watching other people do stuff. I think there's nothing more meaningful than going through an 18-pack of Bud Light while pondering things like space exploration, endangered species, and the philosophical question "Why are we here?" However, this often means that I don't pay attention to things such as:
- The laundry that needs to be done.
- The pets that need to be fed.
- How much milk is left in the refrigerator.
- The overflowing upstairs toilet that has begun running down the stairs and into the living room…or…
- The small but growing kitchen fire that has started as a result of me not hearing the buzzer on the stove.
But if you really think about it, these are such small details in life anyway. I mean, aren't there bigger things to worry about?