If you are reading this article in hopes of becoming a better communicator, boosting your self-esteem, or mastering the art of self-improvement, then you suck at reading titles because this has nothing to do with that. These are not "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" made famous by Steven Covey. The seven habits featured below are a great deal more interesting and fun to practice.
This article is intended to guide the average social drinker on his or her journey to becoming a full-on boozehound. So if you're interested in learning how to become a better binge drinker, disregarding the advice of others, and mastering the art of elevating your blood alcohol content, keep reading!
Once you embrace the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Drinking, a feeling of warmth should envelope you. (Especially if you're drinking while reading it.)
Habit #1: Grow a Mustache
The mustache is the universal symbol for the party animal. Much like a lion's neck mane is its most recognizable and impressive feature, a party animal's upper lip mane lets everyone know that he runs the show.
Superheroes wear capes, but jukebox heroes wear mustaches. Unless you can grow a respectable handlebar, or Tom Selleck Special, you shouldn't try pulling off a poorly grown duster.
It's important to bide your time, as not everybody can grow a prominent mustache that stands out and asserts dominance. Destiny cannot be rushed.
Contrary to unpopular belief, sporting a wispy mustache does not deliver the message that you take your appearance seriously. If anything it announces your allegiance to the trailer park where you reside and tells the world you probably smoke Pall Mall's.
Until your time comes, just picture yourself as a superhero without a cape. Sure, you look a little silly without the cape, but not nearly as silly as you would if you wrapped a dirty hand towel around your neck and tried to pass it off as a cape. Your cape is on the way, and when it arrives, wear it proudly.
Habit #2: Develop Alcohol-Involved Hobbies
A good way to develop your talents without looking like a complete drunkard is to take up hobbies commonly associated with drinking. The idea is to devote little to no time practicing the chosen hobby, but to spend as much time as possible drinking while you do it. The more manly the hobby, the less likely it is that your wife or significant other will ask to join you, thus creating the freedom to drink as much as you want…
Common examples of acceptable hobbies include fishing, poker, woodworking, construction projects, bowling, or tooling around as a handyman in the garage. When choosing a hobby to embrace, you will want to consider a few factors, and weigh the pros and cons of each.
For instance, fishing is great because it gets you away from home, and provides the privacy you need to drink way too much and not have to explain yourself. The downside to this hobby is that unless you actually learn to fish, and catch something from time to time, you're going to raise some suspicion. (Unless you generally suck at everything you do and it's expected.)
You call it alcohol-abuse, I call it a liver workout. There's nothing wrong with working out. I suppose next you're going to tell me that P90x is going to kill me.Working in the garage is another hobby that is less involved. As long as you park a car in with you and lift the hood, everything looks legit. This is a pretty easy set up, and requires very little effort.
If you have the occasional nosy neighbor or wife check in on you, all you have to do is pick up a wrench and act like you're tightening something and they'll be clueless. You can usually drive away such invaders by telling them things like, "I'm changing the solenoid switch," or, "I think the gasket flange seized up." Also, if it's hot enough to be out in the garage with the door open, it's hot enough to need a beer (or 12). Just make sure you hide the empties as you accumulate them.
In all reality, you can choose any hobby you want as long as it's believable. In general, the more boring it sounds, or the more boring you make it sound, the more likely it is nobody's going to ask to join you.
Habit #3: Find Ways to Cut Costs
It's no secret that drinking can get expensive. This means that not only can it damage your liver, but you also run the risk of cirrhosis of the wallet. This makes it all the more important to defray costs whenever possible.
To start, return cans and bottles to the store whenever possible. This of course provides much needed funds, but more importantly gets rid of the evidence that you've been drinking so much.
A more clever method of cutting your overhead is to find free drinks. If you're a chick, that's easy, but most guys have to get creative to accomplish this one. Whenever possible, try to crowd around the bar if you see a group of people buying a round of shots in celebration. This creates an opportunity to potentially reach in and steal one of the shots, or possibly get handed one by accident.
One of the most tried and true methods of getting a free drink is to frequent the local bars. If you can find a group of familiar faces, you can sometimes propose that everyone gets a round of drinks. Much like a game of musical chairs, you have to be quick with this technique. If you suggest the round and nobody offers to buy the first one, say something like "if one of you gets this round, I'm good for the next two." If you're lucky, people will keep volunteering and you'll get a few free rounds until it's your turn.
Whatever scenario plays out, the idea is to finish your drink quickly, and then find a way to bolt out of there when it's your turn to buy the round. One way that works if your convincing is to fake a phone call and act like there's an emergency and you have to run. If you're more passive you can try the "bathroom break for it" approach where you claim to have to use the restroom, then climb out the window or sneak out a side door when nobody is looking.
One final technique, which is definitely more advanced than the others, is called tab-jacking. In this approach, you wait for someone with an existing tab to order a drink and when he tells the bartender to put it on the tab, he will probably have to give his name. Once you know the name on the tab, go to a different bartender and order whatever you want and throw it on the poor sap's tab. Don't stick around too long, or this scheme is sure to blow up in your face and things can get ugly.
Whatever your approach, just try to be clever, persuasive, and elusive, in that specific order. If you can master these three traits, you'll be shocked at how many free drinks will come your way.
Habit #4: Avoid the Intervention
Unless you want to end up like the saps that get featured on A&E's hit show Intervention, you should make sure to assess every situation before you head into it. If anybody tells you they want to film a documentary about addiction, it's probably a safe bet there's an intervention coming.
Nothing can slow down your party train worse than an intervention. No matter how good you think you are at hiding how much you drink, you have to assume that someone might be on to you and stay alert. Interventions can happen without warning, so it's best to avoid any potential environment where one could be staged. This means that you should avoid any non-public family get-togethers or invitations to hang out with friends out of nowhere.
The main family functions you should almost never attend are birthday parties, cookouts, and reunions. Besides the fact that these events are usually boring as shit, they are usually cunning attempts to get you into a room and ambush you. It sounds harsh to avoid loved one's but you never know when a party or celebration is really just a cover for them to pound you into submission so they can get you to stop having so much fun.
The idea behind interventions is that your loved ones know you're having more fun than them, and they are jealous. Therefore, they will try to surround you in a room, tell you how bad of a person you are, and then try to ship you off for 90 days to a dry town.
You might think that nobody would pull something like that at a birthday party, but there's usually going to be some former addict acting as an interventionist who will convince them that they are giving you a "present." The only thing they're really giving you is a pamphlet and an ultimatum, so don't buy into it.
Fortunately there are family events that are safe to attend because they don't offer the proper environment or appropriate situation to hold such a spectacle. Events that are safe to attend include weddings, major holidays, and any get-together held in a public place or where alcohol is served.
Weddings are safe because no bride ever wants their special day to be overshadowed by the buzz kill of forcing someone's recovery. Major holidays that are safe include Thanksgiving, Christmas, and most of the time Halloween. Nobody is going to ruin Turkey Day or Christmas by sending off a loved one to a 30-day stint in rehab. Finally Halloween seems like it should be safe because if the family tried an intervention that day, someone would have to keep getting up to pass out candy, and that would get old quick.
As a general guideline, just use your head and ask yourself, "Would they be comfortable pulling an intervention in this case?" If the answer is no, you're probably clear to attend.
Habit #5: Develop an Excuse Repertoire
In the event that loved ones become concerned about your drinking habits, it's best to be prepared with a list of possible responses that excuse or justify your behavior or redirect the conversation.
For example, should you get confronted and accused of having an addiction, you could try to take the legitimacy out of the person's concerns by saying something like, "You call it alcohol-abuse, I call it a liver workout. There's nothing wrong with working out. I suppose next you're going to tell me that P90x is going to kill me." If executed assertively, this can either confuse or convince the person. Either way, it changes the conversation enough to get you off the hook.
Another method with a high success rate is to empathize with your accusers' concerns as if they are also concerns of yours, and then express that you've thought it through and convince them they're being bossy and you've made an informed choice. The way this would work would be to say something along the lines of, "I know that drinking can cause health problems, and have considered the risks. But I think we can both agree that I'm not going to live forever, so while I am alive, I would like to make my own choices. In this case I would much rather be a good liver than have one."
The biggest advantage to attending AA meetings is that everyone can learn from the stories shared. Take notes and learn from their mistakes and failures.If you're not comfortable with the psychological games involved in the first two suggestions, or they are just not something you feel you can be convincing at, then you can always try to divert the attention away from the main issue or concern by using humor and diversion tactics simultaneously. Tell your concerned family, "I'm not addicted to alcohol, I'm addicted to dancing. Unfortunately I suck at dancing when I'm sober." Then do a weak attempt at a dance move and try to suggest that they get you dance lessons instead, and then everyone wins.
By bringing levity to the situation with a weak dance move, people will laugh at you. This lowers their guard and makes them more receptive to your suggestions and that's when you divert their attention to the solution of dance lessons. This technique is almost 100% guaranteed to get you off the hook. After all, there is no such thing as rehab for people who dance too much.
However you approach the situation, the key is to be as convincing as possible and use the defense that best suits your personality. You have to sound passionate about your stance to be believable, or the nagging will never go away.
Habit #6: Attend AA Meetings for Tips/Ideas
Alcoholics Anonymous, better known as AA, is a support group that meets in cities all around the world, with the goal of letting recovering alcoholics share their stories, experiences, and accomplishments. While this habit may sound somewhat surprising and contradicting to the idea of becoming a legendary binge-drinker, it's actually a double-edged sword.
The first advantage to attending AA meetings specifically benefits those who have not done a good job of hiding their drinking habits: If your family knows how much you enjoy drinking and is telling you to get help, this is a great way to get them off your back. But remember, quitting is not the objective here; it just looks like it to the outside word.
The biggest advantage to attending AA meetings is that everyone can learn from the stories shared by those in attendance. Consider the fact that the guys who attend these meetings are the cream of the crop when it comes to pounding down adult beverages. In their day, they could hang with anyone. Their downfall was losing control and giving up on the sport they loved. These people are sterling examples of what you don't want to let happen. While they share their stories, you can take notes and learn from their mistakes and failures.
Occasionally, there will also be stories that inspire creativity. Every now and then a former booze-hound will stand up and tell a story about something they did when they were four sheets to the wind and ended up getting in trouble for. If you study what they did wrong, you might be able to pull of what they failed to do and steal the glory.
There is bound to be the guy who tells a story about how he figured that if we could land a man on the moon, then he could certainly jump the bonfire, then ended up in the hospital with horrific burns. Imagine how amazing it would feel two days later when you attempt and successfully accomplish the task that this guy couldn't. It's a whole new type of fun.
The basic principle is that you want to learn from the best, but also from those who have failed before you. If we were talking about becoming professional basketball players in this article, I would be suggesting you try to play pickup games with the best players in the NBA. On the other hand, I would also recommend that you talk to washed up players and ask them what mistakes they made so you could avoid a similar fate.
Obviously drinking and basketball are two very different sports, but the idea still parallels between the two. Just ask Charles Barkley, who has experience in both fields.
Habit #7: Try Not to Piss Yourself
The final habit that should be stressed is patting your crotch the moment you wake up. Nonchalantly, reach your hand down, and lightly pat your zipper area to see if you pissed yourself at all while you were asleep. It's best to learn these things and just get it out of the way. Good or bad, the results will help you gauge how you performed last night.
Although accidents happen, pissing the bed typically indicates that you exceeded your limits and should pull the reigns back a bit next time. By keeping tabs on how often this problem occurs, it's possible to set goals to eliminate a messy issue.
Most people shoot for perfection, but as long as you're batting over .500, I say celebrate. Obviously if you're pissing yourself every other day, you're not going to be posting that as your Facebook status update, but it could be worse. You have to be optimistic when it comes to pissing yourself. No sense getting pissed off when every other night you're getting pissed on.
On a side note, if you get so drunk that you end up sleep-walking and pissing in the corner of the room like everyone has, that counts against your average. Just because you pass the pat test doesn't mean you should count it as a win, no matter how dry your crotch is. Don't cheat yourself.
The Takeaway
When you separate each of the habits, it's easy to see how each one provides its own resources that can expand your enjoyment of alcohol. When you put the habits together, however, you have a recipe for a synergistic outcome that should deter aspiring party animals from giving up on their dreams and falling into rehab. It's up to you to try these habits and incorporate them into your everyday life. So grab a drink, disregard logic, and let these habits lead you towards greatness.