Since our readership at Points in Case is mostly 18-24 year old dudes looking to either kill time in between classes, waste time at work, or figure out how to sell drugs, I thought I'd help out my fellow buddies with a guide to tell if a girl is insane or not. It's an important thing if you want a lasting relationship, a fuck buddy, or just need a study date…that you eventually want to bang.
Men, don't fret if you've been burned by a psychotic woman before. I have too. Many many times. Now I am here to guide you, just as Tonto guided the Lone Ranger through the Wild Wild West Hollywood.
While warm-blooded, the female human is actually more reptilian than mammalian, Kemosabe. Missy McBooberton may seems like a fluffy bunny, but in fact, she's a coiled serpent, waiting for some sucker to walk by so she can bite, inject poison, constrict, suck the life out of, and eat whole.
This bipedal female is a slick chameleon. By the age of 13, this creature has mastered disguises, espionage, sabotage, and carrying on very important phone conversations under the bedsheets.
She can also be crocodilian. Her walnut-sized prehistoric brain is incapable of true thought processes and her efficient stomach can keep her hunger at bay for months at a time. But when the bloodthirst hits her, she cares not if she attacks a pretty gazelle, stinky musk ox, or you. Know this: she will take the offensive.
Now let's examine 10 warning signs to help prevent you from falling prey to this unyielding predator. Again.
1. She's Wearing More Than Three Articles of Pink
These bright colors are shiny and pretty, and meant to distract you from the spiny talons she's tactfully hidden from you. Sure you might be able to take her to meet your parents, but you'll also have to do stuff like watch reruns of The OC, listen to her version of gossip, and clean your bathroom bi-weekly. She will tell you one of her professors taught her to "think really deep."
2. She Tells You, "I Only Have Guy Friends"
This is a female in her true form. She's so caustic and evil, not even her own sex can handle being around her, which to her is somewhat enlightening. She's discovered her true sensibility: she truly hates herself, therefore can't be around others like her. Her male companions consist of: A) a few guys who want to try to bang her; B) a pudstain nerd who wants to bang her, but instead offers her an ear for her to her bitch and moan to (he also helps her study); C) a group of dudes who need her to fill a spot on an intramural sports team and can stand her only enough for this purpose. One of these dudes might get overly drunk after a victorious game of broom ball and accidentally bang her. She'll fall in love with him, while he'll transfer to another university.
3. She's Recovering From a Breakup
This particular breed is a "reformed" attack pit bull. She can be sweet and nice, offering home-cooked goods, backrubs and plenty of blowjobs. Then one night you might be brushing your teeth with your left hand instead of right, and her eyes will roll back into her head and she'll bite onto you with the force of 30 metric tons of pressure. "You're cheating on me aren't you?" "You're JUST LIKE HIM!" "You don't want to have any more than six kids do you?"
4. She Cheated On Her Last Boyfriend
"Well, this is it. Use it and lose it, I always say."Men, think about the last time you "needed that new purse you saw even though you're carrying a perfectly good one right now." Has that ever happened? No. It's a woman's nature to be fleeting and fickle with food, fashion and network television reality shows. This demonic fact rings true with their tastes in men as well. You can't expect a woman who pays $255 for a pair of shoes she'll only wear once to remain loyal to you. Contrary to popular belief, women cheat just as much as men. They only hide it better. The walls of the girls' dormitory is filled with giggles of "Hee hee. Well, what he doesn't know won't hurt him." But the truth is: the gonorrhea will.
5. She Once Dated a Drug Dealer
Much like the child prostitutes of Dubai, this female's view of "normal" has been completely skewed. Some nights her last boyfriend drove her around in a shiny Ford Mustang with really cool rims. Other nights he was selling heroin to special ed teachers and chopping off toddlers' fingers. This former beau of a crack pusher is used to lavish gifts, the best drugs, exciting car chases, being forced to fellate at gunpoint, and a lifestyle you'll never be able to match. Unless you start dealing drugs to make her happy. She'll tell you she wants you to quit, but she's lying. She wants you to get killed so she can have all your money and your badass iPhone.
6. You Dated Her Before, But She's "Changed"
Life would have you think "three strikes and you're out—with a few foul tips." She told you she matured and knows what she did wrong. You took her back. Idiot! Throughout history women played this sneaky trick on unsuspecting men. You think, "Hmm. Women never lie. Why should she start now?" The sad fact is, my friend, women don't change. Sure, their hairstyles, fashions, body art and pubic hair shapes may change. But mental scars and limited reasoning capacity aren't fixed by a week at the gym and an afternoon at the spa.
7. She Used to Be—Or Is—A Stripper
Have a conversation with an off duty exotic dancer. ‘Nuff said.
8. Off the Bat, She Tells You, "I'm Not Crazy"
Pure smokescreen. This is like a fat person telling you, "I'm not hungry." But just as your back is turned to your lard-assed acquaintance, a knife dances through your ribs and the tubby is feasting on your meaty hamstrings. This woman will lure you and swindle her way into your home. Perhaps you will move into the same apartment and you'll think "We're happy." As a surprise for her, you bring a dozen white roses home. Then she puts your puppy in the blender. "I like beige Octavian Carnations and I hate smelling the number 12." Bang. You've been foiled.
9. Off the Bat, She Tells You, "I'm Crazy"
Hey, at least she admits it. Now that she's deliberately shown you her fangs, you can start to think of ways to avoid them. And usually openly disturbed women are the best in the sack. So put on your Kevlar and enjoy!
10. Signs She's Not Crazy
Does your female friend happen to be my mom or my grandma? Then you've scored! Neither are crazy. But don't date them, or I'll fucking kill you.
So now you've learned how to identify a woman who is totally bonkers. Congratulations!
Tune in next week when I show you ways to discover if water is wet.