Six Ways Women Use the Word “Pussy” During Sex

Somebody sent me a picture the other day of an outfit that Britney Spears is wearing on her latest Circus Tour. I immediately noticed a very familiar, yet troubling sight: her vagina. Britney was for some reason wearing a crotchless get up with only transparent hosiery. I sent the picture around to ask others if they also noticed another surprise appearance of America's favorite shaved celebrity. To my surprise, I discovered that only a few people recognized the strange gap in Britney's britches.

However, today I happened to receive a video from a friend confirming what I knew all along: it's footage from a recent show where Britney is wrapping up a song and doesn't realize the mic is still on and shouts to somebody off stage, “My pussy is hanging out!”

My first thought was, “Holy shit. She isn't lip syncing.” Then I got sad reminiscing about the days when I would have killed for a glimpse at her goods. After years of stroking it to that fantasy, I was crushed when I realized she had an ugly vagina. I continued to hold out hope that if I put a paper bag over it she might still be fuckable, but then she killed the moment by referring to it as “my pussy.”

I guess some dudes boner up over such foul language, but I just can't stomach the pussy talk. Sorry folks. As far as I'm concerned, a girl should never actually reference her vagina unless she quietly and simply points at it—and even then discretion is important.

In order to clarify my point, I have drafted a list of six ways I've heard a female drop the P word.

1. “Slam your cock into my pussy,” or, more simply, “Fuck my pussy.”

There have been two times I have fallen off the bed laughing during a hookup. The first time I was going down on my high school girlfriend for the first time and she farted in my mouth. Laughing was the only thing I could do to avoid vomiting and totally destroying the self-esteem of that bitch.

The other time came immediately after a girl failed badly at dirty talking by whispering the first of the two aforementioned gems in my ear. I probably would have sprained my penis when I hit the ground had it not gone flaccid in mid-air. You see, the first rule of any hookup is to avoid being laugh out loud funny. If you are about to say something filthy involving your pussy, I promise you, it sounds better in your head. The second you open your mouth and say something like “Jam that big dick in my pussy,” don't be surprised if you find a penis down your throat to stop you from massacring the moment.

2. “My pussy is hungry for your cock.”

Just gross stuff here. I heard this in one of those free 3-minute internet porn clips that are responsible for making your actual sex life both mundane and disappointing. The thought of a vagina eating something is like watching a woman give birth in reverse. You're getting paid to fuck, lady, not to mouth off about your snatch's vial need for sustenance. Make your ridiculously exaggerated noises, fake your orgasm, and then seriously, shut the fuck up.

3. “I'll say ‘pussy,' but I'll never say the C word.”

Are you serious? You're “ladylike” enough to call it “the C word,” but you take a trip to P-town any time the bus shows up? Who are you to make this distinction between which unattractive word should be censored? Don't be a cunt. That trash you're spewing about your “va-JJ” just burned a scarlet P all over your face, as if you had just been to Mike Tyson's tattoo butcher.

4. “Ouch! You burned my pussy!”

This winner ironically happened while I was out at a sushi restaurant. A drunk bimbo and her boyfriend sat at the bar when he apparently spilled some green tea on her. She shouted loud enough for everyone in the place to cringe. The boyfriend of course sealed the deal by yelling back louder, “I DID NOT BURN YOUR PUSSY!”

Why the fuck was it necessary for this woman to say anything other than “ouch”? I applaud the boyfriend for repeating the line simply to show her how ridiculous she sounded. I'm pretty sure that even if she literally had firecrotch nobody would have doused her flames simply because you don't scream about your pussy in public.

5. “I can make my pussy queef on command.”

This comment made me want to grab the girl's head, throw it down between her legs, and rub her face in it, all the while shouting “NO!” If you are going to behave like an animal, I am going to treat you like one. We've all been there during sex the first time you hear the inevitable queef. You both try to fuck your way through it, but the increased speed only makes it happen over and over again. This proves to me that sex is really just for shits and giggles. That being said, queefing is only one of the many disgusting things vaginas do and should never be done intentionally, much less verbalized.