1,000 Ways to Say Penis

Many of my friends have heard rumors of this list. I've mentioned it, quoted it, even shown glimpses of the finished product to some. I've offhandedly mentioned it to many people, usually in reference to, “No, really, you don't seem to get just exactly how unproductive I am with my free time.”

And now I've finally posted it.

The story of the “Thousand Names for Dick” begins like most of my stories, with me drunkenly cursing at someone I just met. It was in Germany a while back, and me and a German fellow who's name I unfortunately can't remember, were doing what many a great mind have done in the past: get shitfaced and talk about curse words.

We had gotten onto the topic of how certain languages sort of have “their” curse word. The one that is used most frequently, creatively and… eloquently, in a certain language is the winner. We agreed that “fuck” was the curse word of the English language, and we were totally right. I mean, fuck, right?

I proposed that “shit” was the universal German curse word. And really, I still hold that it is. They say “shit-(whatever)” with wondrous regularity in a variety of situations, and it doesn't even seem to be that rude (they can say it on TV, for instance).

But the drunken Deutscher seated across from me countered my well thought out proposal in a way that I can not only agree with, but utterly respect.

“Dicks!” he yelled, drunkenly, like a scholar.

He suggested that German had more ways of saying “penis” then any other language.

“Bullshit!” I retorted, slamming my arms angrily on the table in a thoughtful manner. “I can come up with a thousand ways to say ‘dick' in English! I'll make a fucking list!”

He laughed. Laughed!

How naive.

So the night came and went, but the next day, I remembered my vow.

I remembered.

So the next day, I wrote about dicks.

Over the coming weeks, I wrote about dicks.

In class, I wrote about dicks.

At the coffee shop, I wrote about dicks.

I wrote about dicks while sober and I wrote about dicks while drunk.

I wrote about dicks while sad, and I wrote about dicks while glad.

Dicks where written about with reckless abandon, and often without wearing pants (for inspiration, you understand), and honestly, it only took a few weeks to compile a large (girthy, if you will) list of one thousand different ways to reference male genitalia.

Some were actual names for the thing, some were remembered from different forms of media. Some were uttered by friends, some by foes. A large portion were made up by me on the spot.

But regardless where they came from, they've all gathered here, on this internet, to be gazed upon by you in all of their stiff, veiny glory.

Behold, ladies and gentlemen, Damen und Herren, in no particular order…

The Dick List

1. Groin Gouger
2. Pork Whistle
3. Purple Pneumatic Drill
4. Choad
5. Joystick
6. Peen
7. Tubesnake
8. Spitting Cobra
9. Schlort
10. Plonker
11. Shrinky Dink
12. The D
13. Womb Broom
14. Vagina Miner
15. Mr. Sniffles
16. Taco Warmer
17. Vlad the Impaler
18. Vomit Rod
19. Clam Hammer
20. Mutton Dagger
21. Gash Mallet
22. Sludge Pump
23. Uncle Reamus
24. Woody Womb Pecker
25. Lincoln Log
26. Cervix Crusader
27. Piss Pump
28. Cheeky Monkey
29. Puff the One-Eyed Dragon
30. Dinky
31. John Thomas
32. Peeper
33. Thrill Drill
34. Pink Tractor Beam
35. Yoo-Hoo
36. Russel the One-Eyed Wonder Weasel
37. Dome Head
38. Captain Winky
39. Agent Hosepipe
40. Squinty Blow-pop
41. Old Man Drizzle
42. The Goods
43. Wrinklebeast
44. Elevator
45. Private Washington Monument
46. The Pendulum
47. Gods Pinkey Finger
48. Puking Flesh Weasel
49. Tadpole Torpedo
50. Sin Stick
51. Rolling Pin
52. Satan Scepter
53. Temptation Turtle
54. Fat Kidney
55. Magic Pipe
56. Cupids Arrow
57. Drizzle Spout
58. Love Lure
59. Satan's Shovel
60. Musky Man Candy
61. Tickle Badger
62. Mr. Missile
63. Man Telescope
64. Mr. Happy
65. Lap Lizard
66. Friction Whistle
67. Atomic Turtle
68. Mr. Bojangles
69. Boney Macaroni
70. Firecracker
71. Dirty Dowsing Rod
72. Baby Leg
73. Pocket Shot Glass
74. Spring-Loaded Nose-Slapper
75. The Ugliest Flower
76. Erector
77. Fuck Piston
78. Finger Food
79. Thermonuclear Rod
80. Fountain of “Youth”
81. Twinkie
82. Denim Narwhal
83. Hershey Bar
84. Submarine
85. Loveworm
86. Laugh Stick
87. Flex Rod
88. Musk Handle
89. Fuck Geyser
90. Joker
91. Suppository
92. Apple Headed Beef Basher
93. Goat Bumper
94. A Bad Place To Snort Coke
95. Puff Stick
96. Center Sweat Stain
97. Sergeant Slaughter
98. Tirpitz
99. The Middle Muffin-Top
100. The Business End
101. It
102. Bald Butler
103. Bathtub Eel
104. Blood Sausage
105. Dearest Member
106. Fiddle-Bow
107. Giggle Pin
108. Gut Stick
109. Poo-Flicker
110. Dangus
111. Bean Tosser
112. Bone-Horn
113. Gristle
114. Jigger
115. Joy Knob
116. Life Preserver
117. Gash Hook
118. Mr. Clean
119. Nimrod
120. Pink Pencil
121. Live Sausage
122. My Body's Captain
123. Pisser
124. Quickening Peg
125. Red Cap
126. Scepter
127. Tickle-Gizzard
128. Willie
129. Cupids Torch
130. Quiver Steak
131. Stump
132. Hunchback of Notre Dame
133. Milk Straw
134. Acorn Top
135. Yogurt Truck
136. The De-Virginator
137. The Monolith
138. Doughnut Holder
139. Beefy Ent
140. Thunder Piston
141. Spam Obelisk
142. Chum Rod
143. Jumbotron
144. Man Puppet
145. Muscle Bound Shit Wrecker
146. Genghis Cock
147. Baby Batter Blaster
148. Red Hot Toy
149. Mr. Hornbag
150. Little Engine That Could
151. Inflatable Poo-Jabber
152. Admiral Winkey
153. The Intruder
154. Bean Stalk
155. Hangy-Downy
156. Jimmy Dean
157. Leaning Tower
158. Bed Snake
159. Dr. Feelgood
160. Wiggly Pogo-Stick
161. Pee-Wee Herman
162. Beard-Splitter
163. Purple Turkey Baster
164. Sour Cream Rifle
165. Sweet Meat
166. Blue Steel
167. Blood Slug
168. Salty Drizzle-Stick
169. Cum Gutter
170. The Giving Tree
171. Bow-Legged Swamp Donkey
172. The Ramburglar
173. Scepter of Sordid Affairs
174. Regurgitator
175. E.T.'s Finger
176. Meaty Maelstrom
177. Trickle Torpedo
178. Blowpop
179. Wrinklestiltskin
180. Spray Stick
181. Pringle's Tube
182. Sriracha Dripper
183. Choady McMeatstick
184. Veiny Straw
185. Drippy Paintbrush
186. Angry Buffet
187. The Eviscerator
188. Tootsie Pop
189. Holy Grail
190. Tremble Wand
191. The Last Unicorn
192. Fuck Slug
193. Transformer
194. Fat Stick
195. Flesh Hawk
196. A Shitty Vibrator
197. Flamingos Beak
198. Dough Boy
199. Spice Shaker
200. Pleasure Bud
201. The Spanish Inquisition
202. Bumble Muffin
203. Crotch Paddle
204. Pool Stick
205. Genetic Faucet
206. Legwarmer
207. Drill Sergeant
208. Toucan's Beak
209. The Hole-Hungry Crotch Crocodile
210. General McSexy
211. Antenna With Shitty Reception
212. Dunce Hat
213. Lust Torch
214. Stink Twizzler
215. Piss Dispenser
216. One Flower Bouquet
217. Laser Splitter
218. Crunk Hammer
219. Pink Kink Handle
220. Floppy Meat Balloon
221. Jenga Tower
222. Hammy Toothpick
223. Spelunker
224. Goomba
225. Vein-Bow
226. Grunty Grunty Thrust Thrust
227. Coiled Serpent
228. Inside-the-Pants-Belt
229. Snow Globe
230. Flesh Auger
231. Sticky Ass-Spackler
232. Giggly Goblin
233. Pork Lance
234. Man Missile
235. Cock
236. Dick
237. Dangle
238. Dong
239. Schlong
240. Johnson
241. Cannon
242. Flesh Flute
243. Hairy Banjo
244. Knee Buckler
245. Throat Scraper
246. Ding-Dong-Dangly
247. Toilet Parts
248. Pee-Pee
249. One-Eyed Yogurt Thrower
250. The Troll
251. Purple-Headed Man Monster
252. Pecker
253. Weiner
254. Pressure Washer
255. Inchworm
256. Tool
257. Pussy Pounder
258. Bat
259. Pelvic Popsicle
260. The Oncoming Storm
261. Sonic Screwdriver
262. The Whip
263. Assault Rifle
264. Pork Blade
265. Beef Hammer
266. Mjolnir
267. Hulk's Fist
268. Milk Dripper
269. Man Drain
270. Excalibur
271. Gong-Ringer
272. My Manly Popsicle
273. Meat Stick
274. Pleasure Pogo
275. Cum Cannon
276. Panty Poker
277. The Grand Finale
278. Banana
279. Ol' Drippy
280. Red Headed Throb Monster
281. Thunderstick
282. Hotrod
283. Dongmongulous
284. Lightning Catcher
285. Thruster
286. The Ol' Aim N' Shoot
287. Salty Steve
288. Manly Cigar
289. Pearl Jamer
290. Baby-Maker
291. The Oscar Meyer Weenie
292. Battle Ax
293. The Alpha
294. The Omega
295. Blaster
296. Shaft
297. Furry Snake
298. Escape Rope
299. Symphony of Regret
300. Droopy Baguette With Cheese
301. Greasy Fish
302. Throbknob
303. Philly Cheese-steak
304. Pleasure Machine
305. The Male Reproductive Organ
306. Dirty Mushroom
307. Pistol
308. My Best Friend
309. Slytherin
310. Red Rocket
311. Fanny Slapper
312. Woman Maker
313. Winkey Badger
314. Veiny Cucumber
315. The Bulge
316. Cattle Prod
317. Third Leg
318. Crotch Rocket
319. The Key to the Lock
320. Crotch Slapper
321. Pork Steeple
322. Trouser Snake
323. Nose In the Beard
324. Cucumber
325. Lil' Winkey
326. Jack in the Box
327. Man Bits
328. Dead Eye Sam
329. Sad Larry
330. Dirty Ice Cream Cone
331. Electric Boogaloo
332. Ice Pick
333. Meat-hose
334. Pipe Cleaner
335. Piddle Fiddle
336. Pleasure Rod
337. Love Shaft
338. Sexy Suppository
339. Vesuvius
340. The Reason I Have All of Those Children That I Hate
341. Milk Hose
342. Dangle Blaster
343. Floppy Fish
344. Man-Motor
345. Woman-Slayer
346. Bungee Smuggler
347. Package
348. Flesh Saber
349. Eye Dropper
350. Lumpy
351. Dipstick
352. 00-Dong
353. Mr. Meowsworth
354. Gonadulous
355. Grave Digger
356. Suckshroom
357. Tallywhacker
358. Handy Hammer
359. A Real Love Handle
360. Masturbation Motor
361. Long N' Girthy
362. One Color Rainbow
363. The Spreader
364. Power Point
365. Terms and Conditions
366. Hairy Pen
367. Wankhammer
368. Juicy Dribbler
369. Rabid Dog
370. Dongzilla
371. Dongasaurous Rex
372. Filler
373. Jelly Roll
374. Cream-Filling Cannon
375. The Lone Warrior
376. Front Tail
377. Fleshy Bong
378. A Bad Seat
379. An OK Seat
380. A Damned Good Start
381. Target
382. Sweatsicle
383. Quiver Bone
384. Man Clit
385. Jiggly Wiggly
386. Man Nugger
387. Half of a Good Time
388. The Devils Own Microphone
389. Juicer
390. Wang
391. Diddle-Whistle
392. Six Inch Soldier
393. Lipstick
394. Stay Pufft
395. Ol' Faithful
396. Pop-Tart
397. Salty Geyser
398. Flop Trout
399. Pork Pipe
400. Phallus
401. The Beast
402. Pope of Pork
403. Titty-Tickler
404. Soft Knife
405. “Deep Impact”
406. Pecker-Corn
407. Droopy Dog
408. Crotch Compass
409. Dirty Jammer
410. Voldemort's Missing Nose
411. Seamen Spitter
412. Crotch Mounted Regret Cannon
413. Dirty Thermometer
414. Toe Scratcher
415. Long Dong Sliver
416. Ass Injector
417. Adult Erector Set
418. Lord Commander Groinulous
419. Little (Insert Your Own Name Here)
420. Fleshy Pacifier
421. Meat Straw
422. Cherry Popper
423. Kaleidoscope of Pleasure
424. Pink Floyd
425. Blood Balloon
426. Italian Stallion
427. Mangler
428. Drumstick
429. Slippery Salmon
430. Fuckstick
431. Suckstick
432. Count Dickula
433. Lord Commander of the Southern Forces
434. Lethal Injection
435. Crucidix
436. Beef bottle
437. Crank
438. Whoopi-Maker
439. Corn On The Cob
440. Lady Gag-you
441. Hot Beef Injection
442. Slammin' Salmon
443. Shagger
444. Handle
445. Meat Storm
446. Fucknado
447. Buttery Slopstick
448. Captain Suck
449. Source of the Local Syphilis Outbreak
450. Urchin
451. Succulent Sausage
452. Meat-Lolly
453. One Eyed Man
454. Clit-Clapper
455. Moses
456. Wolly Manmoth
457. Veiny Girth
458. Growth
459. Goldenrod
460. Furry Fuzz-Fucker
461. Organic Sausage
462. Natural Second Nose
463. Festering Growth
464. Mandana
465. Man Horn
466. Honky-Honky
467. The Elder Wand
468. My Rifle
469. The Fibonacci Sequence
470. Holy Grail
471. Tripod
472. Colgate
473. Ineffective Scope
474. Teeth Whitener
475. Whistle
476. Warp Pipe
477. Purple Warrior
478. Erected Evolution
479. Vaginal Sunrise
480. Clitoral Plunger
481. Buckeye
482. Browneye Stinger
483. Boa Constrictor
484. Colon Plugger
485. Web Slinger
486. Poo Miner
487. Queef Creator
488. Hornets Sting
489. Spikey-Back Turtle-Dragon
490. Shroomy
491. Cake Penetrator
492. Laser Pointer
493. Sock Stiffener
494. Bullship
495. The Speculum
496. Mighty Blade
497. Curved Majesty
498. Ganker
499. D-Battery
500. Starscream
501. Bazooka
502. Bush Snake
503. Master Sword
504. Pants Boomerang
505. Monkey
506. Upright Base
507. Bunker Buster
508. Deep Digger
509. Smile Spreader
510. A Cursed Relic
511. Wiggle Worm
512. X-Rated Toothpick
513. Tic-Tac
514. Mayonnaise Factory
515. Thunderhorse
516. Vaginal Speculum
517. Tube of Mascara
518. Crack Assailant
519. Stick of Sexy Dynamite
520. Crying Cyclops
521. Sock Cruster
522. Ol' Fisty
523. Second Brain
524. Adrenaline Shot
525. Herp Head
526. Little Fucker
527. Adventure Worm
528. Corkscrew
529. Bad Bottle of Wine
530. Flaming Face Slapper
531. Rage Burrower
532. Rock Em Sock Em Robot
533. Thunderous Whip of Transcendent Fury
534. Head of Public Relations
535. Diamond Cracker
536. Loch Ness Monster
537. Passion Twizzler
538. Back Door Pass
539. Filthy Spelunker
540. Slippery Snake
541. Half a Necklace
542. Eighth Wonder of the World
543. Fury Monkey
544. The Conqueror
545. Showerhead
546. Colossus of Rhodes
547. Sex Reactor
548. Lust Powered Coat Hanger
549. The Blood God Atrofax
550. Weedle
551. Curved Candle
552. Crotch Slayer
553. Devourer of Worlds
554. Life Sprinkler
555. Golden Spigot
556. Fuckarina of Time
557. Old Frothy
558. Bulge Sculptor
559. Pixy Stick
560. Silk Snake
561. One Color Paintbrush
562. Gandalf's Staff
563. The Zipper-Caged Creature
564. Booby-Basher
565. Bologna Bandit
566. Trout-Trident
567. Tent Pole
568. Slippery Love Dolphin
569. Giraffe Neck
570. Grunt Rod
571. 9-Iron
572. The Albino Cave Dweller
573. Hymen Hammer
574. 2X4
575. Beef Scarf
576. Battering Ram
577. Groot
578. DNA Catapult
579. Earthworm Jim
580. Elephant Trunk
581. Iguana
582. Face Hugger
583. Midget Chaser
584. Honey Dripper
585. Hot Pocket
586. The Riddler
587. Magic Mountain
588. Metapod
589. Junk In the Jeans
590. Key Part of the Male Reproductive System
591. Kickstand
592. Lambshank
593. Mount St. Helens
594. Mustache Cleaner
595. One Rung Ladder
596. Squirtle
597. Rainstick
598. Hairless Ferret
599. Lance of Love
600. Railgun
601. Weapon of Ass Destruction
602. The One Headed Hydra
603. Mt. Everest
604. Monkey String
605. Little Guy
606. Tan Banana
607. Sparkle Bolt
608. Third Eye Sam
609. Toothpaste Tube
610. Glue Stick
611. Main Drain
612. Daddy's Hand Gun
613. Mighty Unicorn Horn
614. The Whomping Willow
615. Monument
616. The One Balloon That Doesn't Match
617. Thick Brick
618. Rainbow Maker
619. Rip Van Winkey
620. Twiddle Rhombus
621. Saucy Noodle
622. Sting Ray
623. Chasm Closer
624. The Really Big Lebowski
625. Redwood
626. Uncle Touchy's Happy Stick
627. Girth Rocket
628. Velvit Python
629. An Upright Citizen
630. Thrill Drill
631. Wind Waker
632. Blunderbuss
633. The Last Action Hero
634. Lifeline
635. Heat Seeking Moisture Missile
636. Gollum
637. Gleaming Love Blade
638. The Fate of Many
639. Eiffel Tower
640. Dude Piston
641. Drooling Badger
642. Carnage Wurm
643. Buckshot
644. Ham Dragon
645. The Dark Knight
646. Shake-Weight
647. Angry Llama
648. Fury Faucet
649. A Very Painful Seatbelt
650. Apple Head
651. Sham-WOW!
652. Under the Covers Crusader
653. Thrill Mill
654. Father of Dragons
655. Pump Action Shotgun
656. Trans-Pantslantic Cable
657. Sweaty Suck-Stick
658. Mentos and Coke
659. Little Dovahkiin
660. Mightiest Tree In the Forest
661. Splooge Saber
662. Flesh Root
663. Ham Branch
664. Spunk Catapult
665. Smokeless Peace Pipe
666. Charcoal Stick
667. One String Guitar
668. Twig and Berries
669. Sticky Cigar
670. Love Lure
671. The Man Behind the Curtain
672. The Long Hand On the Pants Clock
673. The Lone Ranger
674. Denim Ferret
675. Gorilla Vine
676. Sushi Roll
677. Wii-Mote
678. Tremble Tumor
679. My Fleshy Friend
680. Strawberry Ice Cream Cone
681. Didjeri-Don't
682. Cougar Rifle
683. Christmas Ornaments
684. Zamboni Bologna
685. Commander In Jeans
686. Quick-Scope
687. The North Pole
688. The Pen That Never Runs Out Of Ink
689. Wickless Candle
690. Flop-Handle
691. The Little Bruce Willis That Lives In My Pants
692. Messy Burrito
693. Eye Of The Storm
694. Crazy-Glue Spigot
695. A Branch of the Man-Tree
696. Pneumatic Navel Nudger
697. Worlds Cheapest Bottle of Champagne
698. Cat's Tail
699. Lotion Dispenser
700. The Short Crutch
701. Hibernating Bear
702. Bulgy Buddy
703. Defender of the City
704. The South Pole
705. Radio Tower
706. Pants Muffler
707. The Exactly-In-The-Middle Pole
708. Fuzz Baton
709. My Personal Stradovarious
710. Ovary Observer
711. The Thundering Overseer
712. Lord of the Halls of Madness
713. Angry Aardvark
714. The Sappy Oak
715. The Weeping Willow
716. Jizzstick
717. Cum-Breathing Dragon
718. Syphilis Saber
719. Monkey Fist
720. Hammer of Dawn
721. Bulgy Bugle
722. Wrinkly Crutch
723. Demon of the South Side
724. Groin Ninja
725. Buddy Buddha
726. Volcano
727. The Folly of Man
728. Vagina Plug
729. Light Saber
730. One Nostril Nose Plug
731. Spring Loaded Semen Sprayer
732. Dickapult
733. Trebuchet With Very Disconcerting Ammunition
734. Snake With the Lazy Eye
735. Respectable Gentleman
736. Little Guy With the Least Fashionable Turtle-Neck Sweater of All Time
737. Harbinger of the End Times
738. Apollyon, Lord of Flies
739. Crows Nest
740. Wormtail
741. Defiler of Many
742. Big Floppy
743. Slim Jim
744. Sword of Michael
745. Booty Bumper
746. Cocktail Peanut
747. Worlds Smallest Violin
748. Bar of Kryptonite
749. Lord Humongous
750. Mad Max
751. The Kingslayer
752. You-Know-Who
753. Guardian Angel With a Substance Abuse Problem
754. Personal Baseball Bat
755. Lord of Light
756. Abominable Snowdick
757. Professor XXX
758. Butthole Bandit
759. Space Needle
760. Fury of the River
761. Reason to Consult a Medical Professional
762. Walking Stick
763. Branch of Eternity
764. A Bad Place to Shoot-Up Heroin
765. Key to Your Dreams
766. Friendly Downstairs Neighbor
767. Binky
768. Cave Troll
769. Smeagol
770. Zip-Code Extender
771. Back Scratcher
772. Proof God Has a Sense of Humor
773. Stimulus Package
774. Peacemaker
775. The Frothy Frigate
776. Edward Norton in “American History X“
777. Pork Pawn
778. Fuzz Nugget
779. Bubble Blower
780. USB Stick
781. Herpes Hammer
782. Pug Face
783. Gash Diver
784. The Troll of Thigh Valley
785. Plaster Blaster
786. Biscuit Brisket
787. Rectal Wrecker
788. Yoo-Hoo
789. Vaginal Eviscerator
790. Twat Fodder
791. The Banana Cannon
792. Catcher In the Snatch
793. Throat Cork
794. Needler
795. Cunt Cockula
796. Fappling Gun
797. Quelaags Fury Sword
798. The Blister Pistol
799. The Mommy Maker
800. Pull Up Bar
801. The Juicer
802. Splooge McDuck
803. Dragon's Tooth
804. Bone Club
805. Boner-rang
806. Pussy Pulverizer
807. Snatch Ratchet
808. The Alien
809. Wife Gagger
810. Pink Xenomorph
811. The White Whale of the Denim Seas
812. Black Mamba
813. Cinnamon Stick
814. The Colonels Drumstick
815. The Human Centipede
816. Butt Snake
817. The Horn of Gondor
818. The Yeast Feaster
819. Wild Hog
820. Khal Drogo
821. The Tree of Life
822. Man Root
823. Fruit Bearer
824. The Tree of Forbidden Fruit
825. The Grand Slamwich
826. Carpet Cleaner
827. Mount Doom
828. Pinkey and the Brain
829. Fuck Maker
830. He-Who-Shall-Not-Be Named
831. Clam Skewer
832. Sour Creme Production Facility
833. Angler Dangler
834. Highway to the Danger Zone
835. The Septapalegic Octopus
836. Pillar of Awesome
837. Flayer of Mortals
838. Beanie Baby
839. Snowpiercer
840. Aux Cord
841. Duck Call
842. Thunderous Tootsie-Roll
843. Personal “On” Switch
844. Weeping Monkey
845. Worlds Least Appropriate Crucifix
846. Face Blaster
847. Tongue Twister
848. Steve Buscemi's Face
849. The Jowliest Old Man
850. Pants Politician
851. Pocket Jedi
852. Number One Pencil
853. Gobble Throttle
854. Fuck Loaf
855. A Tastier Fruit Cake
856. A Classy Institution
857. Mayonnaise Pipeline
858. The Mainline To Dirty-Town
859. An Incomplete Hula-Hoop
860. Butt Scratcher
861. Flesh-Zeppelin
862. Eye Piercer
863. Slippy
864. Period Plugger
865. Escape Rope
866. Booty Rattle
867. The Ol' “S” Hook
868. Pearl Necklace Provider
869. Fist of Fury
870. Groin Graboid
871. The Eternal Eviscerator
872. An Unconvincing Mustache
873. Hammer of God
874. Sploogy Sharpshooter
875. A Whole Lump of Regret
876. Baby-Batter-Blaster
877. Angel of Awesome
878. Gonorrhea Giver
879. Bearded Logger
880. Creature of the Night
881. Impractical Paintbrush
882. Love Belcher
883. Pork Spatula
884. The Star Spangled Banger
885. The Juice Crew
886. Fur Blimp
887. Hooker Hammer
888. Grounds For Divorce
889. Jericho Missile
890. Cinnamon Biscuit
891. Tapioca Tap
892. Problem For the Local Zoning Commission
893. Trouser Tsunami
894. Rip-Chord
895. Parental Distillery
896. Crash Course In Bad Decisions
897. Greasy Gator
898. Beefeater
899. Sperm Spraying Whale
900. Fire Spout
901. Pleasure Gavel
902. Zipper Constrictor
903. No-Knuckle Pants Finger
904. Bigfoot
905. Smelly Dwarf
906. Yellow Wine Dispenser
907. Furious Downstairs Neighbor
908. Crisco Stick
909. Derier Defiler
910. Mayor of Pants City
911. Liquid Almost-Baby Faucet
912. Ham Tube
913. Jimmy-Jam
914. Below the Belt Bacon Beast
915. Long Pig
916. Rocket-Top Bottle
917. Tongue Tester
918. Baby-Making Bop-It
919. Giggle Handle
920. Manly Shrub-Hub
921. The Actual Shocker
922. Sticky Taser
923. Personal Piglet
924. Hairy Houdini
925. Throb Fairy
926. Colonel Crotchy, Commander of the Southern Armies
927. Ocarina of Slime
928. Shifty Wrinkle-Demon
929. Road to Pleasure
930. Goal-Post
931. Corpse Defiler
932. Filthy Fornicator
933. Small-Bore Rifle
934. Large Bore Rifle
935. Just Mind Bogglingly Girthy-Bore Rifle
936. The Larger Hand On Big Ben's Clock
937. Meaty Bubble-Wand
938. Pork-Stalk
939. Chairman Of the Questionable Decisions Comity
940. Commander Rod
941. Drippy Puffer-Fish
942. Deep Personal-Space Probe
943. A Coke Bottle Just Waiting For the Mentos
944. Jimmy Dean Reject
945. Jean Steak
946. A Less Majestic Comet
947. Glory Gun
948. The Reason I Come Up With Shortcuts That Keep Us Away From Elementary Schools
949. Hairy How-Do-You-Do
950. The Hive Mind
951. General Throb
952. Worldstomper
953. Very Hot Topic
954. Juicy Man Steak
955. Batter Ram
956. Vomitous Mass
957. Mossy Sea Slug
958. Serpentine Surprise
959. Two-Direction Compass
960. Squish Sword
961. Weepy Cobra
962. Squirm-Handle
963. Fleshy Iceberg
964. A Rocket Ship to Destiny
965. The Brittlest Bone
966. Toxic Tourniquet
967. Vagina Monster
968. Lusty Love Lance
969. Mega Shark
970. The Whitest Walker
971. Glorious Peoples Leader
972. Mystery Meat
973. Conquerer of the Marshes
974. Key to the End Times
975. Brobdingnagian Bulge
976. Ranger Regret
977. The Faceless Man
978. Canyon Crasher
979. The Littlest Gentleman
980. Limited Depth Drilling Apparatus
981. Big Beefy Bastard
982. Romance Rod
983. Tunnel Snake
984. Connection to God
985. Worlds Shortest Fishing Pole
986. All-Star Breakfast
987. Frothy Flotilla
988. Syrupy Cylinder Waffle
989. Phantom of the Opera In Your Pants
990. Wiggle Finger
991. The Fast
992. The Furious
993. Apple On A Short Branch
994. Temporary Vaginal Piercing
995. Doctor Howler
996. Rump Plug
997. Future Destroyer
998. Gargle Gargoyle
999. Eye of the Pleasure-Storm
1000. Penis

And thus, we have concluded the list of the thousand best names ever.

You're welcome.

More on sex and vices:

• Six Ways Women Use the Word “Pussy” During Sex
• How to Ruin Someone's Life Secretly or Publicly
• Asian Massage Parlor Guide to a Happy Ending
• 6 Things Sluts Say When They Want to Have Sex
• Queefing on Command