In the collection of villages known as America, there is one saying of sooth that rings clear: "Midgets are people too." But there is another truism that is as American as apple pie and Southern intolerance: America's relationship with the "Top Ten List." Although only one of them is etched in stone, there are many many more to be found within the abundant pages of the Internet.

We rank everything. From collegiate football teams to baby names. We measure both their power and popularity. David Letterman devotes a weekday-ly segment to this interest. We place sequential order to things such as desirable travel destinations, universities, colleges, and the gadgets that we may use when we head to those places. We decide what's most important out of what we already think is important, and put a little too much thought into this.

After sitting back and viewing one ordered list after another, I've decided to settle a few scores of my own. So take a seat, blogosphere. I've got the floor now, and I'll be showing you what's next in the progression. If you're with me, get ready to rally behind my tally, or tallies, as I plan to catalyze evolution through overload with a top ten list of top ten lists.

100 items in all if you're scoring at home.

1. Top Ten Cat Names

  1. Sir Paws-a-Lot
  2. Professor Marbles
  3. Zeus
  4. Lipstick
  5. Mr. Crayons
  6. Cheyenne
  7. Kiss Me Meow
  8. Cal State Flufferton
  9. Oatmeal Raisin
  10. Metamewcil

2. Top Ten Male Sex Organ Nicknames

  1. The Beige Bullet (or The Ebony Entrance Maker)
  2. German War Helmet
  3. Ray Nitschke
  4. Toaster Screwdle
  5. Sir Cum Cision
  6. The Latin Assassin
  7. The Stud Missile
  8. Frank
  9. Balls Peen Hammer
  10. Gordon Lightfoot

3. Top Ten Travel Mug Names

  1. The Silver Bullet
  2. The Unloader
  3. Coffee Annan
  4. The Triangulator
  5. Nicholas Cage
  6. Al Uminium
  7. Bruce Willis
  8. Lower Lip Singe
  9. Bea Arthur's Urn
  10. Thermos Thomas: Buffalo Bill For Life

4. Top Ten Most Obscurely Memorable Professional Quarterbacks

  1. Rick Mirer
  2. Ryan Leaf
  3. Vinny Testaverde
  4. Warren Moon
  5. Scott Mitchell
  6. Steve Grogan
  7. Bobby Hebert
  8. Jeff Hostetler
  9. Jeff George
  10. Bernie Kosar

5. Exports More Awkward Than Jute

  1. Potassium
  2. Cantonese Prostitute
  3. Uranium
  4. Tibetan Prostitute
  5. Plantains
  6. Sea Bass
  7. Bulgarian Prostitute
  8. Rabbit's Feet
  9. Copper and Iron Whore
  10. Cream of Wheat

6. Top Ten Cutting-Edge Band Names

  1. Rick Springfield's Asshole
  2. Jesus Christ and The Washington Redskins
  3. Tympanic Membrane
  4. Rockin' In The Fat Girl
  5. Seger Genesis
  6. Dog Prostate
  7. Twisted Splinter
  8. Cockride
  9. 10 Seconds To Liftoff
  10. Cat Scratch Stevens

7. Top Ten Erotic Fantasy Novel Titles

  1. Erogenous Andy
  2. Becky's Bosom
  3. Summers at the Wharf
  4. Expecting the Speculum
  5. Vernal Climax
  6. Eat My Cobbler Anytime
  7. Coffee, Tea, Or Watching the Evening News Together Under a Slanket
  8. Love Tunnel Vision
  9. Corporal Copulation
  10. The Velocity of Sex

8. Top Ten Coolest Products (Real or Fictional)

  1. Va-Poo-Rize
  2. Coffee table aquarium
  3. Toilet Seat Pedal
  4. Aim ‘n' Flame
  5. Suit Pajamas
  6. Any and all jet packs
  7. Hovercraft
  8. Radio Control Shark
  9. DJ Cat Scratch Turn Table
  10. Flying car

9. Top Ten Numbers

  1. 9
  2. 10
  3. Pi to 5 decimal places (anything more is too pretentious, anything less is too naive)
  4. 59
  5. 23
  6. 99
  7. 66
  8. 7-11
  9. 1
  10. 666

And finally…

10. Top Ten Jeff Blauser Hiding Locations

  1. Between 2B and Third
  2. Fulton County
  3. Tom Glavine's guest house
  4. John Smoltz's woodshed
  5. At a Royce Clayton charity benefit dinner
  6. Behind the knurled wheel of a Buick LeSabre
  7. New York Mets Front Office
  8. South Dakota
  9. At a Rammstein concert
  10. Beneath a pile of house cats
Related
End of Year Top 5 Lists By Every Annoying White Guy on Your Facebook Feed
Emily Denny
December 29, 2017

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