Few things in this world annoy us more than idiot drivers. I don't know what it is that gets our blood boiling so much since we've all been "that driver" at some point or another. Well, you all have been that driver, not me, because I obviously drive impeccably, like Einstein himself was behind the wheel. Yeah, okay, that is a terrible example because Einstein was probably a very distracted driver, constantly in thought, solving physics equations in his mind, but shut the hell up and go with the analogy.
You would think that we would all have more patience for our fellow drivers, but we don't, and somehow we truly believe that they are the stupidest people on the planet… that is until we've driven a block and found the actual stupidest person on the planet driving some other car. Here are the top ten most annoying drivers that I have encountered on the road.
1. The Loving Anarchist
Hey, you know why most of the time we can get from point A to point B without a fifteen car pileup? Rules, that's why! There are fucking rules to the road you're supposed to follow, so nothing is more annoying to me than reaching a stop sign AFTER you and having you wave me on like I even remotely have the right of way. It's like someone just short circuited all order to the universe and I immediately start running scenarios in my mind of what would happen if an accident were to then occur if I accepted your ridiculous reality, since technically I would be the one doing the wrong thing.
Fuck you, just go! It's your goddamn right of way and I'm okay with that. You know what I'm NOT okay with? You trying to get me to do something I'm not supposed to be doing, simply because you're an idiot.
Fuck the Rules of the Road, I'd rather just crash into shit, but with love.
2. The Angsty/Polite Adult
We've all been there: two people come to a stop sign at an intersection at the SAME EXACT time. I'm talking about a photo finish where you would need the breaking of a laser beam across the road to determine who really got there first. The social rule is, whoever gets waved on first goes, but because you haven't seemed to grow out of that "no one can tell me what to do" hormonal phase, even though you are 43 years old, you have to wave ME on in response. Or maybe you're just so overly polite that you can't bring yourself to go before anyone else, but then what are you doing in front of that other car behind you?
Fuck you, just go; I waved you on first, don't fucking wave me on back trying to seem polite when you're really just causing a big cluster fuck game of "No you go, no you go, no you go, no you go, no you go, no you go!"
3. The Old Ingrate
Sometimes you're sitting in gridlock traffic and some old timer wants to desperately change lanes or pull out into traffic and it's clear that if you don't let them, they will likely die of old age still sitting there. So I do the polite thing that NOT A SINGLE PERSON BEFORE ME DID and let them pull in front of me.
Now I know people say you're not supposed to do things for other people expecting something in return, because doing something kind is its own reward… to those people I say, fuck you and your Leave It to Beaver ideas. If I let you pull in front of me in this sea of stopped cars, thus allowing you to move one inch a year closer to your home, then I have essentially saved you a serious percentage of your remaining life. I mean let's face it, that's how fast you were planning on driving anyway, so at least have the common courtesy to give me a "thank you" wave.
Just so you know, if I lose my shit and start ramming people with my car, I am ramming your rude old ass first, following the same "age before beauty" criteria as I did earlier.
If young people today are so rude, how do you explain your freakin' behavior?
4. The Road Warrior
I get it, you're used to a dystopian world where you can drive for days without seeing another person, but newsflash, you aren't in that world yet. I know that our existence is terribly inconvenient for you, but I don't appreciate the shitty look I get for putting on my turn signal, slowing down, and making a normal right hand turn. Sorry I didn't have the extra time this morning to plan my route without ever making any right turns… EVER. I guess having to slow my car's velocity to make a turn is a by-product of NOT driving 200mph ALL THE TIME. Please bear with me while I make a normal turn and also try and not have a goddamn aneurysm that you had to use "that other pedal" next to the gas pedal—it's actually there for a reason.
Newsflash, you're actually the one driving like a humongous asshole!
5. The Spaz Parker
You've seen it. We've all been behind them. They pull into a parking space but can't seem to make the turn so they stop and back up a millimeter and then try again. Nope, still can't seem to make the turn, perhaps backing up another millimeter will help. Nope, clearly this is going to take 3 millimeters more….
Of course the rest of us can clearly see that they could have easily made the turn the first time with two feet to spare between them and the other car. For fuck's sake people, when you go home tonight, stop by your local hardware store and purchase four tall driveway reflectors. Put them at the four corners of your car when it's parked and then get in your car and make a mental note where the four corners of your vehicle ACTUALLY are, because I guarantee you they are ALL about two feet closer to you than you think!
6. The Concerned Materialist
This is the douchebag who takes up four parking spaces in order to ensure that there is no chance of anyone dinging or scratching their precious car. Newsflash asshole, by taking up four spaces you are actually INCREASING your chances of getting your car dinged, scratched, keyed, fully dented by the heel of my foot, window broken with an easily concealable ResQMeTM safety tool, tires slashed with a utility knife, etc. I'm fairly certain that I wouldn't have done… er… I mean… none of that stuff would have happened to your car if you parked in ONE parking space like everyone else.
ResQMeTM from asshole materialistic drivers. "SMASH!"
7. The Getaway Driver
This is the asshole who has to back into every parking space, or even worse, pulls through a parking space into another one. Look, unless your vehicle actually has "POLICE" written on the side of it, there is nowhere you have to be THAT fast that you have to pull PAST a space and then back into it for a quick getaway later. If you pass a space in a parking lot then you have officially forfeited that space and are now backing into me, the guy attempting to park in the space like a normal person.
The one exception to this rule of course is if you're on a street parallel parking and the person who parks front end in first is the asshole. Look, I don't make the rules people, I'm just the one telling you what an asshole everyone thinks you are.
8. The Rushed Patient Driver
People usually notice this person as a pedestrian. You'll be standing on the edge of a crosswalk where there is NO street light, waiting for an appropriate "I won't get killed if I cross now" space between cars, and all of a sudden a car comes screeching to a halt in a cloud of smoke and burnt rubber, landing halfway into the crosswalk. The driver then smiles and waves you across the street.
Look, I appreciate that you understand who has the right of way in this situation, but you have the right of weight AND you just demonstrated yourself to be a bit of a crazy and unpredictable driver. Who knows what you're going to do when I reach the middle of the intersection? One of the voices in your head might just tell you to gun it and I really don't feel like flying over the hood of your car today.
Plus, sometimes pedestrians time their crossing to coincide with the cars actually passing them by the time we get there, so you don't need to stop if you could have already been home and eating dinner by the time I got anywhere near your car. It's nice of you and all, but still fucking annoying, So why don't YOU go ahead since you're clearly in such a hurry anyway.
"No you go, no you go, no you go, no you go, no you go, no you go! FUCK!"
You know that stop line BEFORE the crosswalk? It has a purpose.
9. The Dyslexic Turner
Hey, wanna know something cool? When you turn the wheel of your vehicle to the left, the car actually goes left. In addition, when you turn the wheel of your vehicle right, the car actually goes right. Oh hey, just out of curiosity, why the fuck are you swinging left to then go right and vice versa? Don't you realize you're giving other drivers a heart attack by swerving your car into them to make a turn in the opposite direction?! Ever notice that every time you make a turn, someone seems to be honking their horn to let you know that you're about to side swipe them for no apparent reason? Yeah, all that honking actually means something, in that you are a shitty driver and you should quit this dyslexic turning shit.
Trust me, that whole "turning the wheel the direction you want to go" thing actually works. Also make sure you actually turn into your fucking lane when you turn, you are NOT supposed to turn into another lane other than the one you were in, dumb-ass.
You are NOT supposed to change lanes in an intersection!
10. The Texter
Fuck you! No seriously, you can fuck right off! While we're at it, anyone driving and on the phone without a hands free device can fuck right off too! In addition, using your speaker phone ISN'T hands free if you're holding the phone to your mouth like you're trying to reflect the sun's rays onto your face for a quick tan. Trust in the technology and put the speaker phone down. Besides, the person on the other end is wondering why you're yelling at them anyway. Nobody likes you. Everyone hates you. Put your phone away and just drive your fucking car, asshole.
That's it Jennifer Aniston, we are no longer Friends.
So there you go, the Top Ten Most Annoying Drivers. It should be noted that these are MY top ten most annoying drivers; I'm sure the rest of you have your own ideas of what annoys you most about other drivers while on the road. Feel free to treat the comment section below as your own personal road rage rant sounding board, and remember, drive safely.