« Back to My Organs and I Go on a First Date, Part 1
(Our hero KC and his organs are on their first date with Zee. They are seated at an uber-fancy restaurant making small talk.)
KC (to Zee): Don't you think they should have a course in the philosophy school called "How to be a waiter?" Oh, you minored in Eastern Modern Dance Philosophy? Well, whatever, I studied English, which basically means I'm well-read and completely unemployable.
KC (to Zee): And then I told my intern, "Next time you check your horoscope on the job, hopefully it says, ‘Get a new fucking job, Slacker.'"
KC (to organs): You see, I can do this on my own.
BUTT: I'm itchy and I need to fart.
BLADDER: I need to pee.
GUT: I'm still hungry.
KC: Damn it guys, I'm on a roll here.
BUTT: I can just blow it here.
KC (to Zee): I'm going to hit the little boys room.
(KC enters the bathroom)
JUNK: Ahh, finally. (Chants) As hard as diamond, as thick as rock, beware me ladies, I am the…
KC: Stop! This is a peeing trip. Butt and Bladder, do your stuff.
BUTT: Flllpouf. So relieved.
BLADDER: Me too.
HANDS: Wash us, um, twice.
(KC returns to the table)
KC (to Zee): They've got cool bathrooms.
BUTT: Just kidding. I really need to fart this time.
KC: WTF? We just were in the bathroom.
BUTT: That was just a warning shot.
JUNK: Hey, why does Butt get to do whatever he wants?
KC: Nobody is doing whatever they want, get it? Hey! Hands, why are you scratching Head?
HANDS: Feels good.
BRAIN: Maybe we have ticks.
KC: I can't take you anywhere.
GUT: Her food looks better. Hands, grab me some fries. And her pickle. That lemon slice too.
MOUTH: Cool. These tastes are fun.
(The check comes)
KC (to Zee): No, I'll get the check. I'll put it on my Points in Case credit card.
BRAIN: Nicely done. Make sure to tip big so Junk might get touched.
KC: Shut up, dukebox. Twenty percent of $37.85 is…
BRAIN: I'm not helping now. 1977. 20XX. Hey, remember that smelly kid in middle school with the rat-tailed mullet? Fourteen. Tango. Niner. Name the five bounty hunters in Empire Strikes Back. Seven, Twelve, point six thousand. Blah blah blah.
KC: You know, Brain, just for that I'm not going to quit smoking pot until I'm 50.
GUT: Awesome, I like candy.
(Back to KC's extra swanky loft)
KC (to Zee): …Yeah, it's a pretty sweet place. Exposed brick. Enough closet space for some of my comics. Um, pretty decent quality doors. Want to watch a movie?
BRAIN: Dude, March of the Penguins is totally a panty-dropper. Do it.
KC (to Zee): So I've got this movie about penguins….
JUNK: Fucking A.
KC: Brain, what a great idea. She's cuddling with me. Great idea.
BRAIN: Do you think penguins fart?
EYES: Oh no. The penguin's egg broke! After all that work. I kind of want to cry.
KC: Absolutely no crying. Oh shit, she's crying.
BRAIN: What a pussy.
OLD CLICKY: Wheeze. Some harlot touched me!
JUNK: Full steam! I could break bricks with this boner. Hands, push her head down. Stat!
KC: Guys, no. You're going to fuck up my program.
BUTT: Oh man, really need to fart now. Looks like a big one.
KC: Oh fudge no.
BLADDER: Totally got to pee.
JUNK: Best woody ever.
BUTT: Fart sequence about to initiate.
KC: Mouth!
BUTT: Pllloughpadoosh.
MOUTH: Cough cough.
KC: Phew. Disaster averted. Hopefully she can't smell.
KC (to Zee): Um. Better hit the bathroom again.
KC: Now get it all out of your system. Except for you, Junk.
JUNK: Peeing with a boner sucks. This is like using the Mona Lisa for rolling papers.
BLADDER: Ahhhh….
KC: Okay, Butt, when I flush the toilet, go ahead and fart, but don't start too early or stop late.
BUTT: Don't worry guy, I'm a pro.
(FLUSH)
BUTT: RIIIIPOOOSH!
KC: C'mon man. Way too long.
NOSE: Whoa. Smells like sweaty camel nuts.
BUTT: Hold on, got another one. Probably want to cough or sing or stab her in the eardrum for this one.
KC: Fellas, why can't you act like Lungs? He's only forgotten his job a few times in all these years.
LUNGS: Say "No" to smoking.
(Back to the couch)
KC (to Zee): Great documentary, right? You know, I might be related to the narrator, Morgan Freeman.
BUTT: Gotta fart, guy.
KC: C'mon.
(In the bedroom)
HANDS: I really like boobs and butts.
MOUTH: Boobs rule.
BRAIN: Boobs totally rule.
BUTT: Gotta rip one last fart.
HANDS, MOUTH AND BRAIN: Boobs rock.
KC: Junk, this is your time to shine. Power up!
JUNK: No. I'm mad at you.
KC: Dude, don't be a bitch. Engage.
JUNK: Oh, now you want me to work.
KC: Seriously, there's a girl involved. Up, up and away!
JUNK: It's too much pressure. I like it better when it's just us.
KC: Shut up and do it up.
JUNK: No.
KC: Yes.
JUNK: No.
KC: Yes. I command you.
JUNK: I defy you.
(Zee leaves in disgust and disappointment.)
KC: I'll never forgive you for this, Junk.
JUNK: Yeah you will.
KC: I hate it when you're right.
END