Departments in big companies have an unspoken hierarchy. The hierarchy changes a bit in different companies but typically it's the same department at the bottom: Facilities. Facilities is the bedrock on which every other department poops.
What would we do without coffee machines and office lighting? Ah yes, sleep peacefully at our desks. If you could lump together every job you'd rather not do into one department, you'd get Accounts. Sorry, I mean Facilities. Have you ever wondered who ensures the notices are taken down on the right day or who puts up the signs that tell you to wash your hands after a poo? No, me neither. But it's Facilities.
Colleagues of mine spent weeks doting over replacing the break room cups. They decided on a more eco-friendly variety. No one noticed. Hopefully some gophers lived longer as a result.
When I see someone walking around with a clipboard I feel a little jealous because they've escaped their desks. The envy subsides when I remember that they're taking an inventory of clogged soap dispensers. It's not all blocked soap dispensers of course. It's also blocked toilets.
But I'm not here to give the impression that the Facilities department spends all of their time in the toilets, working and dropping the kids off at the pool. Far from it. Facilities also holds sway over "signage" (or "signs" if you're a normal human being). Surely somebody has to tell you to watch your step or mind your head?
I doubt it. If someone has to be told to mind their head, they can't read the sign quickly enough to duck. Besides, if there is a Cro-Magnon skulking about the office, their knuckles are probably dragging along the carpet, in which case their stooped gait removes any need to duck in the first place.
But what if Facilities didn't exist? What would we do without coffee machines and office lighting? Ah yes, sleep peacefully at our desks. That said, there have been several occasions when my finger has been poised to send Facilities an email.
Good afternoon,
I would be most grateful if you could open a requisition order on my behalf. Within the last few weeks my career has been flushed down the toilet. I would be grateful if someone could fish it out.
Given that my job prospects are now something you wouldn't even wipe your bottom with, I'm pretty sure the toilet is an inappropriate place to have flushed them. We may need to check our plumbing because many of my colleagues have mentioned a similar issue.
Kind regards,
Don Joe