I know you must be worried—it's been about 14 hundred months now and there's been nary a peep from yours truly, celebrated and sexually attractive columnist, Nicholas Kabat Moose.You're probably saying, "What the FUCK! I'M 22, have enormous boobs, and I'm wearing a Wonder Woman costume and I NEED HIS COLUMN TO LIVE!"
Well, as Nick Moose, I feel that I would be best suited to bring you up to speed on his/my whereabouts, and secure your phone number (if you are in fact the aforementioned be-Wonder suited beauty).
It's the "Name Nick Moose's Ride and then Ride Nick Moose" sweepstakes! For hot girls over 18!Ahem, here goes: I was drinking. That's right I was drinking for 14 hundred months straight. But now I'm starting to smell and I'm out of beer and PEZ and Otter Pops and I have to go get another job because at 26 I feel like slingin' soft serve for the angry masses at the DQ isn't as fulfilling as it once had been.
As you can imagine, difficult times lay ahead for me, so I figured why not reconnect with my probably still throbbing fan base to boost my spirits. After all, that one guy who sometimes comments on my stuff is probably concerned, and it's important he and all the less vocal Moose-heads out there know I haven't succumbed to alcohol poisoning (just yet).
I wasn't JUST drinking during my hiatus though, I was engaging in other more fulfilling activities, like repeatedly watching the classic nudie film Werewolf Bongo Party, discovering the magic of Bagel-fuls, and yes, the rumors are true, I officially retired "the Twisted Wagon."
For those of you Nick Moose-impaired readers out there, the Twisted Wagon was my beloved, decaying 1992 Toyota Corolla. The old gal served me faithfully—got me through the first couple of four-year periods of my college experience—but no matter what Neil Young says, once over 85 percent of your vehicle's chassis has vaporized into tiny particles of rust, it's just time to call it quits.
So I got myself a smokin' new ride from the nice folks at Toyota. A hot off the presses 2009 jolt yellow Yaris!!
Now ladies, hear me out on this.
I got this car to prove a point.
There are a lot of gentlemen out there with large automobiles. Huge automobiles even. But sadly, with many of them you'll come to find, once you've slept together, that behind all the bluster, they generally are lacking in another key department they've been overcompensating for.
That's right, these unfortunate gents have tiny, flaccid, almost incalculatable, microscopic (drum roll please)…. hearts.
We're talking the Grinch before he saved Christmas here girls—it's not pretty.
So I wanted to make sure that I got a small car. A little machine that screamed big heart. And when the ladies see me cruising down the avenue in my exceedingly yellow and admittedly not all that "masculine" ride, they know, "Here comes a guy whose heart could crush my vagina into paste. Whose heart could rip the very sugar walls of my vagina asunder! Whose heart is so enormous there's a real possibility it might not even fit into my vagina…."
Oh, and also that my penis is big too.
But enough about my huge organ! ‘Cause now it's time for another one of my even more huge fun-time contests!!
It's the "Name Nick Moose's Ride and then Ride Nick Moose" sweepstakes! If you are a hot girl, over 18, and you come up with a name for my new car that's every bit as bitchin' as the "Twisted Wagon" was, you could win a trip to America's favorite dinosaur park, Sandusky's own Prehistoric Forest, in that very car, with me!!
Why go see Will Ferrell make a mockery of the original Land of the Lost this summer when you could instead be making out with a guy with a tiny yellow car and an animal last name under a wobbly, replica T-Rex?!
Good luck girls! And may the best entry win!
