Since I'm on the go and can't be bothered to carry a notebook with me and never thought to buy a portable voice recorder, I send text messages to myself to remind me of column ideas or jokes that I think are funny. But the truth is, most of the time I text myself, I'm in that twilight area between sleep and consciousness. Or I'm really wasted.
And yes, I sleep with my phone. An awful habit I picked up as a reporter.
What I'm trying to tell you is that most of these ideas I come up with suck. But since we're in The Second Great Depression, we need to make use of everything we get. Also, I don't feel like writing anything else right now. So enjoy these little previews. (If you really really like them, comment and I'll see if I can artistically fudge them to work.)
Making the Most of Your College Tuition Money
So your parents started saving money for your higher education back when you were barely a hard-boiled egg. Now inflation's taken over and your parents lost most of that supposed tuition cash. So it's loan time. But going to college is so 1900s. Do something impressive with that dough. Follow Quentin Tarantino's and Kevin Smith's lead: make a movie with your student loan cash.
First, buy some cameras. Then buy two BMWs (six if you're thinking of going to private law school too). Get you and enough friends to drive to the Grand Canyon. Fill up each car with either gasoline, gunpowder, Pop Rocks, or napalm. Set up your cameras, start some fires, and drive each car off the cliff. Watch them explode. Try to sell the DVD to people, but enjoy paying the debt for the rest of your life.
Hey, it couldn't be any dumber than getting a philosophy degree. Plus, it's a pretty frickin' cool story.
Racism is Officially Over
Sure Obama did some cool stuff to end racism (or stir it up). The real proof these pointless bickerings are over is the fact that Seal fucks Heidi Klum, maybe the hottest chick ever. Seal's even knocked her up like 37 times, but still she's fucking smoking hot. I mean, who gives a shit about who's leading the nation when a black guy bangs hot Victoria's Secret models? It also goes to show that he's the only guy from Batman Forever doing something with his life.
Jobs White People Will Do But Mexicans Won't
Professional Grocery Shopper. (I doubt this was even possibly valid, and I never came up with any others. It's possible the two phrases don't even go together, but they're both in the same text and in my inbox.)
Mayonnaise Taste Tester. (I came up with this as I proofread this column, but then I remembered it's black dudes that hate mayonnaise, not Mexicans. And even as a white guy I don't like mayo. But the idea of somebody spending eight hours a day spooning Miracle Whip into his mouth cracked me up.)
Check Out America‘s Hottest and Newest Sport…
ANNOUNCER: The rave reviews have boosted a once everyday activity for most Americans into the country's—if not the world's—most beloved athletic activity: inhaling AND exhaling. The Professional Breathing League combines the difficulties of breathing with a point system. In some competitions gladiators need to breathe really fast. Other times they're forced to inhale through their nose around people who eat too much vegan taco meat. Then there's the strenuous breathing in a bowling alley. In today's matchup, we have Will "Wheezy" Johnson facing up against "The SCUBA Tuba" Jimmy Slaughterton. This should be a no-holds-barred match we'll see in the Breathing Hall of Fame in Boise, Idaho. Now a word from our sponsors…
When to Be Naked
Sex, showering, skinny dipping, locker rooms (only for a bit though), streaking, and sometimes sleeping.
When Not to Be Naked
Church, around your parents, first day of work (unless you're a stripper or porn star), cooking with hot oil, at a children's school during worm dissecting day, or when testing switchblades.
The Kind Of Sort Of Most Dangerous Game
If you're tired of me writing stuff, I'll allow you to hunt me for sport for the small fee of one million dollars. (Then I continued the text to myself by saying your prey wouldn't really be me but some drunk homeless guy I paid ten bucks to if he wore my Twins baseball cap backward and one of my old t-shirts I didn't want anymore. How I thought I could stretch this into an entire column, I don't know. Even the fact that the stuff in the parentheses is longer than the actual story idea shows you something about my thought process that night.)
Dogs are Assholes
Don't get me wrong, I adore most canines. More than most people actually. But they are completely selfish bitches and assholes.
Here's the scene: I'm getting a blowjob…as my girlfriend's two dogs watch. Oh, and I'm really really really stoned so I've managed to make a psychic connection with the doggies.
KC: You know, you'd think blowjobs would lose their awesomeness after a while. But they don't. Always a standard five-stars.
SPARKY: I don't see what you're so impressed with.
KC: What are you even talking about? This fucking rocks. My dick is stabbing her spinal cord right now.
FIDO: We can lick our own balls. In fact, I think I'm going to do that right now.
SPARKY: I spend a good portion of my day sucking on my own weiner.
KC: You're missing the point. She's doing this for me. I pee out of this thing.
SPARKY: No, you're missing the point. I do it myself.
KC: Yeah, but maybe like blowjobs are like sandwiches. They're cool both ways, but cooler when somebody else makes them for you.
FIDO: MMMM, loooop, MMMM, gulp. You see, I didn't need to buy no fancy dinner or drinks there. I win.
KC: Oh get bent. You drool on tennis balls and fuck couches for fun.
SPARKY: The couch isn't that bad really. Also, no listening to "Where's this relationship going?" type of talk.
FIDO: And no pulling out.
How to Get Kids to Stop Spiking Their Hair or Popping Their Collars
I was fine with the white douchebag thing. Okay, I wasn't, but it was just white people. But now other races are doing this, and it's making every Middle Eastern, Asian, Latin, and even some black dudes look ridiculous and act like fucking twats. So we've got to stop these fake-tanned, Axe body wash wearing toolboxes who wear sport gold sunglasses and clog up VIP rooms. To do this, I'm going to need five things: some rope, an empty room, a gun, Bon Jovi, and Bruce Springsteen. If I hold these two New Jersey superstars hostage long enough, hopefully these fucking douchebags will disappear back into their old NFL windbreakers or something.
Scariest Movie Ever
What if instead of a mansion being full of spooky ghosts, there were a bunch of really smart university students walking around doing math and writing two-column proofs? It would be called House of Honors. Or maybe instead of geniuses it would be full of TV judges like Judy, Joe Brown, and the Mexican dude.
Another Fucking Seinfeld Rip-off
Why do they call them shoelaces? Are your Nikes really wearing lingerie? They should be called shoestrings. (This is by far the worst joke I've ever written, but still cracks me up nonstop for some reason.)
MTV Sweet Sixteen Goes Back in Time to 16 A.D.
(Scene: Nazareth‘s dusty streets. Jesus, Mary and Joseph walk around the shops.)
JESUS: I told you, I want backflipping monkeys at my birthday party.
MARY: You mean, like black people?
JOSEPH: Damnit, woman. Black people aren't even invented yet. That doesn't happen until two years before the U.S. Civil War ends.
JESUS: Quit fighting! You're ruining my sweet sixteen! Just like how that fat man in the red suit ruins my birthday every year!
MARY: Sweetie, Santa Claus isn't real either…yet.
JESUS: What the crap do you know? I'm the son of God—the creator of the universe.
JOSEPH: And you're also part human, which means I'll spank your halfbreed ass if you keep acting up like this in public.
JESUS: Fine. John the Baptist had a locust buffet at his birthday party. I want a locust buffet. But instead of bugs, I want a build-your-own-candy bar thing. You know, people can mix Snickers with Three Musketeers and stuff.
JOSEPH: Look, son. I'm just a carpenter. Not even Caesar has that much chocolate. How about a nice pinata shaped like a lamb?
JESUS: Fuck you! You're not even my real dad!
MARY: Jesus, you're going to your hut now. Without dinner. Just this jug of water.
JESUS: I hate you! I'm just going to turn the water into Boone's wine coolers anyway.