Alcohol can do many things: increase confidence, get you laid, corrode your liver, and make boring people interesting. But did you know it could aid in eternal salvation, save endangered species, and protect otherwise-bludgeoned hobos?
That's fucking right you didn't.
But that's OK, because The Alcoholic Medium is here to show you how the world should be through groggy, bloodshot eyes. Below are 11 places where alcohol should flow abundantly.
(Note: funny thing is, I initially wrote this article as a total joke, but about halfway through realized I wasn't kidding at all. Let me know if you agree. Or, if you don't agree, why you hate yourself.)
1. Hospital Waiting Areas
Get these sicklies a drink, stat! Miscommunication in healthcare can be deadly, and while we may speak different languages, we all slur the same. We're also more open when buzzed, more honest about our medical histories/sex partners/drug use/defecation fetishes, and more likely to sleep with our doctors and nurses, which we all know leads to better care.
Naturally, being more open and informed will lead to more accurate diagnoses, more adeptly followed prescription plans, and overall, more lives saved. No big deal.
2. Gyms
I think actually getting people to go to the gym and stay for longer outweighs the potential downfall of dropping a dumbbell on their foot. As for legalities, make people sign legal waivers. As for the strengthened hearts and healthier bodies—lived saved? Hell fucking yes. Big deal? Not at all.
3. School Libraries
Get this slacker a drink! Want students to actually stick around for more than half an hour? Then give them a beer and stop making them pack up and go home, because they want to study with a cold Bud Light. Then they can learn biology better, come up with cures for diseases, and save lives, which of course is no big deal.
4. Public Libraries
You're attendance is down—how do you get it up? That's what I thought. Keep us liquored-up brainiacs in there so we can read fantasy novels, become creative, and come up with new, innovative ways to combat the world's problems, in turn saving lives, and in turn declaring that it is, once again, no big deal.
5.Funerals
As a man, I generally only cry when my team unfairly loses or I get so fucked-in-half drunk I digress to the mental state of a 4-year-old. As a man, I tend to bottle up my feelings instead of pouring them out. As a man, I generally block out obvious long-term life lessons in favor of living in the moment.
Having booze at funerals would solve all these problems. I would ball my eyes out, open my heart as if getting a mental pap smear, and cherish every waking moment with my loved ones.
Also, the typical funeral costs about $7,000. 200 attendees dropping $35 each at the bar…it's how grandpa would have wanted it. Grandpa also would have liked you to down a couple gin martinis in his memory, so stop shitting on his grave and tip a few back.
And, after this emotionally wrenching experience, all present would learn from Grandpa's mistakes and live more carefully, which would save lives. Big deal? We're getting there.
6. Churches
Empty coffers? Get the Lord's followers some swill! Religious or not, packing the pews with the Lord's Blood would, well, pack the pews. Christmas and Easter Christians would come more regularly, never-befores would give it a chance the same way disenfranchised employees give open-bar company parties a chance, and devotees would be happy to see all the new faces.
Moreover, who hasn't woken up with an empty wallet after drinking? The collection plates would be like big-tittied bartenders. Hymns would be happily sung along to like 80s metal ballads. Confessions would be tear-filled and way-way-way too honest, and sermons would be listened to like an ex-high school football player's crushed NFL dreams.
Lastly, if people end up converting, then in theory we're saving lives, and potentially—depending on what that white light means—avoiding eternal damnation. Big deal…? Nah.
7. Inside Sharks
We should put alcohol where God forgot to, thus giving us a reason to fucking slice open the bastards. Sharks, in case you forgot, kill people, so dicing them up and drinking their spoils would not only get us nice and saucy, but save some lives as well. NBD.
8. In the Salivary Glands of Endangered Species
Who would want to kill a Woodland Caribou if it secreted vodka? Booyah—lives saved.
9. Mars
There's no bigger motivator than having 10,000 liters of fine booze to choose from when some innovative young chap makes his way there and discovers the secret to saving Earth from meeting the Red Planet's fate, thus saving the entire human population. Hmmmm…maybe that one sort of is a big deal.
10. Back Seat of My Friends' Cars
I promise I won't spill this time. I also won't throw the empty 40s out the window, thus not cracking the skulls of unfortunate passerby. I didn't stick around long enough to see if this would save lives or merely a few intensive surgical procedures, but either way, it's kind of a big deal.
11. That One Bush I Always Stumble into on My Way Home from the Bars
Seriously, it's placed right after this unavoidable bump in the sidewalk. It'd be nice to have something waiting for me in there instead of bristles and broken branches. It would also possibly make me not bludgeon a hobo in frustration afterward.
But they're just hobos, so I guess that really isn't a big deal after all.