Just like every other internet user, sometimes I randomly come across something that gets me really excited. No, I'm not talking about porn, get your mind out of the toilet. On second thought, keep your mind in the toilet for a second while I share with you my latest and greatest internet discovery. I came across something that I think we, as a world, may have to make mandatory in all public men's bathrooms. I'm telling you, this is going to be the biggest thing to hit restrooms since urinal cakes and toilet seat covers! I believe this product is going to revolutionize the way men use a toilet. Are you ready for it? They're called Tinkle Targets and they're floating targets that encourage little boys to pee into the center of the toilet while potty training!
Tinkle Targets: Turning little boys into grown men!
If you come into my house and find the toilet seat up, then there is one explanation and one explanation only: I just cleaned the toilet. I know the world isn't ready to embrace the fact that men can actually pee sitting down, but I'm not really sure what the big deal is. I mean, the whole world already knows we do, men just refuse to do it all the time. It's true ladies (sorry guys, I can't keep the secret any longer). I'm sure you suspected this all along, but you gals simply lack the equipment to do any real research on the matter. What you women don't realize is that the answer has been there all along, eluding you like those god-forsaken scrolls in the Where's Waldo books. Have you ever tried to sneeze with your eyes open? Well it's equally impossible to take a huge shit and then not immediately pee afterwards. Am I wrong? Ladies? Gentlemen? Tell me I'm wrong, I dare you! That is some serious science I just dropped on you! You can't sneeze with your eyes open and for some reason you can't take a giant shit without peeing afterwards too. I don't know why, but if you have a body, and I'm pretty sure we all do, you definitely know what I mean.
Now ladies, I ask you, do you really think that all of us men are jumping off the toilet and quickly turning around to pee immediately after taking our gigantic shits? OF COURSE NOT! Therefore, logic dictates that we must be peeing while sitting down. Marinate on that for a second. I'll wait for you to catch up, because I know that I just rocked your world beyond your wildest expectations. While you're thinking about that, here's an image of a disgusting toilet, just to enrage you…
Cleaning this thing would be a real shitty job indeed.
Time's up!
Men can pee sitting down!
So ladies, now that you know that to be an irrefutable fact of medical science, which you will invariably think about every time you take a huge shit and then pee now, doesn't that completely verify for you that men are total bastards? We can pee sitting down; we've already been doing it for years. We just don't want to, because we don't have to! As a man completely secure in his masculinity, I will now officially come out of the pee pee closet. I am here to tell you that I pee sitting down, period! Unless of course there is an emergency and ALL of the stalls are full, leaving the urinal as a last resort (I don't want a burst bladder any more than the next person). At home though, "I sit, even if there is no shit!" (That will be my official campaign slogan when I run for president. I figure with women making up 51% of the population I have an even better chance than Bush did.)
Vote for me! I make number one look like number two!
If you come into my house and find the toilet seat up, then there is one explanation and one explanation only: I just cleaned the toilet and haven't flushed all the blue chemicals down yet. In my house, the toilet seat is NEVER up, unless of course some male still in denial about constantly being covered in urine is visiting and didn't put it back down. Either way ladies, it wasn't me, I promise! It only took ONE TIME of me cleaning my own bathroom/toilet, during my first week of college, for me to get it! You pee sitting down! Period! Unless of course you actually enjoy being covered in your own (and other guys') urine.
For any open-minded men out there who are still on the fence, I invite you to slowly pour a glass of blue liquid into a bowl of blue liquid, which is sitting on a piece of white paper, from a height of about three feet. You will likely be horrified by the Smurf-like Jackson Pollock art it produces. Or simply examine the urinal dividers in the bathrooms next time and notice that they are always completely rusted from the splatter effect. Face it, if you pee standing up then you're without a doubt covered in your own (and other peoples') urine splatter—and that is fucking nasty.
Urinals: when you want to give yourself a golden shower!
I get that the world is not going to embrace the idea that men should ALWAYS pee sitting down, even though I've already proven that they're already doing it a good deal of the time anyway. I can handle that and I'm not asking for the impossible here. However, what about these Tinkle Targets? Come on people, this is an idea we all need to get behind! Little floating targets that go into the toilet to encourage a little boy to pee into the center of a toilet!
And why are women even encouraging little boys to stand in the first place!? Ladies, don't you realize that the future frustration of all women is in your complete and total control? I don't know how many times I have overheard mothers in coffee shops talking about potty training a little boy and transitioning them from sitting to standing. It's all I can do to stop myself from jumping onto their table and screaming, "What are you out of your fucking minds?! This is your chance! This is it and you're missing it!" Oh and don't give me the excuse that the father is the one that teaches them to pee standing up. Nine times out of ten the fathers are not as involved in the potty training as the mothers are. I have never once overheard any fathers trying to work out the nuances of trying to get their sons to pee standing up; it's ALWAYS the mothers.
It's 2011, a time for change, and I for one am tired of walking in piss on the floor of public restrooms.So for some masochistic reason, you ladies are still teaching your sons to stand while peeing and thus someone invented Tinkle Targets to help the little boy hit the center of the toilet. Now it doesn't take a rocket scientist to extend this idea to full grown men, because I know for damn sure that a good percentage of grown men can't hit the center of a toilet to save their life. I use public bathrooms; I work in a place where there are never any kids and the place fucking reeks! The toilets are always covered in piss and there are often standing puddles of urine on the goddamn floor! Tinkle Targets are clearly in order here!
Public restrooms certainly DO NOT rule!
Ladies, I don't care what your situation is, but if you're living with a man who pees on the toilet seat/floor, go buy some $5 Tinkle Targets, invite all of your friends over for a dinner party, and put the Tinkle Targets in the toilets. Don't tell the man you're living with about it, just secretly put them in all the toilets before the guests arrive. When someone asks about them after using your bathroom, tell them your boyfriend/husband/male roommate needs them, because he can't seem to hit a one-foot opening with a stream of pee if his life fucking depended on it.
It's like throwing a baseball at a barn, ladies, it's not THAT hard to get all of it in the toilet. If he's missing entirely and hitting the floor then he's either drunk off his ass while peeing and should probably sit down anyway, or he's doing it on purpose just to fuck with you. Think about it, if YOU were a man and missed the toilet while peeing, wouldn't you clean it up IMMEDIATELY, because you would be absolutely mortified that someone else would find out that you peed on the freakin floor?! Face it, he's fucking with you! He's doing it on purpose, or at the very least he's leaving it there on purpose out of a total lack of respect for you. I have never ONCE pissed on the floor, you know why? Because I pee sitting down! However, even when I didn't pee sitting down, even before I didn't see the light and hadn't cleaned my first toilet in college, I never missed then either! I'm telling you ladies, they're like animals marking their territory.
Ladies, isn't this essentially what he is doing when he pees on the seat?
Now I know a lot of the men out there are going to be pissed at me (okay, pun totally intended) for outing them, but come on guys, don't you think we've messed with them long enough? It's 2011, a time for change, and I for one am tired of walking in piss on the floor of public restrooms. Mark my words ladies, if you put Tinkle Targets in the toilet at every party you throw, then eventually he will get the message and pee sitting down from then on. True, there's a good chance he will get so embarrassed and mad that he leaves you and moves out, but either way I feel your situation has improved, don't you? Either way you aren't living in piss!
I feel this situation works even better if your household does NOT contain kids, which would give him an easy scapegoat to blame the Tinkle Targets on. But let's face it, if you're living with a man who pees on the fucking floor, wouldn't you say your household contains at least one child? Tinkle Targets are the genius solution to this. Not only will he not be peeing on the floor anymore, but the seat will always be down too. Double bonus! You'll never fall in the toilet again in the middle of the night!
My toilet seat is so clean, it's off the chain! Um… well… sort of, nevermind.
Oh and one more thing: to make things even more enticing and exciting, Tinkle Targets come in fun graphics that makes training enjoyable. Transportation, construction, and sports themes! Doesn't that sound appealing to full grown men too? I think so! Rocket to manhood! Build your confidence! Kick your nasty habits! Okay really, just stop fucking pissing on the goddamn floor, you douchebags!
Mommy, why do I have to pee in the toilet when Daddy pees on the floor?