Scene: KC straightens his tie in the bathroom. He's prepping for the interview that may change his life for the better.
KC: I'm not going to lie, I feel good, I look great, and I'm going to rock this job interview like it's never been rocked before. Let's do a roll call: Hands?
HANDS: Fingernails are cut. NYU class ring is on. Even the monkey hair growing out of your fingers is trimmed.
STOMACH: I'm perfectly satisfied after eating that footlong meatball sub from Subway. I need nothing.
MOUTH: I've got all kinds of cool stuff to say. Like, "How excited are you for the possible prequel/sequel to Watchmen? It'll be blue-naked dude-a-riffic!!!
BRAIN: I'm here. Decaffeinated, calm, cool, and in control. How do you spell "caffeinated"? That word is so fucking hard.
KC: Shut up.
EARS: I'm listening.
EYES: I'm open.
KC: How about you, Face?
FACE: Cleanly shaven as your third-to-last girlfriend's vagina.
KC: Awesome. Actually, double awesome.
JUNK: Hey. Why didn't I get shaved? I can't imagine you thought of going into a life-changing job interview without freshly shorning your balls. KC! Hey! I want to be smooth!
KC: Sorry bro, I didn't have time to shave you. That will have to wait.
JUNK: But I saw that documentary about that chick who fucked everybody in the office. What if that happens today? And she opens your pants and finds some big, nasty, hairy balls? You'll be the only one who doesn't bang the intern!!! You'll feel so left out.
BRAIN: I decided a few minutes ago that I kind of want to be an astronaut. Spacemen don't work in offices.KC: Dude, that wasn't a documentary. That was a Brazzers scene.
JUNK: Huh. You know, I was wondering why there weren't any Asian dudes in that office. Well, maybe the interviewer will have big tits. And—
KC: The interviewer is a dude.
JUNK: Fuck.
KC sits in the office. A secretary calls his name. KC enters a conference room.
KC: Eyes and Ears, pay attention.
EYES: I like the way his tie is tied. He looks smart.
EARS: You ever think your heartbeat is Morse code?
EYES: Oh man, look, you've got hot pink Post-It Notes in your daily planner. Those are pretty colors.
KC: Guys, you really need to pay attention to important stuff.
JUNK: Wait. What? You brought your daily planner to an interview? What kind of a fucking anal-retentive tool are you?
KC: It shows that I like to be organized.
JUNK: Even your ultra-gay pink Post-It Notes?
KC: Oh yeah, managers love shit like that.
BRAIN: Oh wow. This one says, "I should probably re-learn not to boil stuff while naked." Oh, and here's one that says, "Don't forget, library books are due in 9 days." You are an anal fucking weirdo.
KC: Can we just pay attention to what this dude is saying? Please? For five seconds? He's talking about our potential job… that we could be getting paid to do, and in turn, buy cooler shit and bang hotter chicks.
JUNK: Okay. I'll shut up. For the good of the many.
BRAIN: Say something like, "I think we'll be a mutually beneficial pair. I plan on sitting my fat ass in your office chair, farting a lot, and slacking off constantly, which will make me a valuable asset to your company—as long as you get tax breaks from hiring complete rejects.
KC: Brain, what's your problem? This is a good job.
BRAIN: I decided a few minutes ago that I kind of want to be an astronaut. Spacemen don't work in offices.
KC: Fine, I'll just wing this whole interview.
EYES: Hey, look at that. The guy is looking at our planner.
KC: You see, I told you bringing the daily planner was a good idea.
EYES: No, he's looking a little right of the book. That, looks like, um… something.
KC: There is no way that's what I think it is…. No fucking way.
EYES: I think it is.
KC: What color is this dude's hair?
EYES: Blonde.
KC: Fuck.
JUNK: What is it?
KC: You of all people, need to shut the fuck up right now.
BRAIN: What is going on here?
KC: Eyes, try not to stare at it. Because then maybe that talking dude will stare at it.
BRAIN: Okay, fuck you. I'm looking. Eyes, what is it?
EYES: I'm pretty sure, but I don't want to be.
KC: Don't look! You'll bring even more attention to it.
EYES: I'm still curious to see if it is what I think it is. There, I'm looking.
KC: Damn it!
BRAIN: Holy crap. That's definitely a pubic hair.
KC: Mother fucker. How the fuck did one of our pubes end up on his desk?
BRAIN: I find this highly illogical. And a lot less funny.
KC: Holy shit. This is how great interviews go bad. Junk, what do you have to say for yourself? Any clue? Was this a tag-along pube? A rogue unit? What's up?
JUNK: Well, the other day we were drunk, and there's a ruler in that planner. I thought I'd measure the diameter of our balls.
KC: Oh Judas Priest. This isn't happening.
BRAIN: Oh yeah. It totally is. I guess it's back to mopping up puke as a bouncer.
JUNK: See! I told you to shave me. This is what you get!
KC: I fucking hate you.
END