Scene: A bar where KC hangs out. Some folks are dressed up in colorful party hats, blow on kazoos and such.
KC: Hands, come to Eyes. What time is it?
BRAIN: We just checked the time. Who cares?
(Eyes check out wristwatch)
KC: Oh man, it's 11:49 p.m. I'm only going to be in my 20's for ten more minutes! There's so much I wanted to do before I became irrelevant!
JUNK: Like fuck that girl? What size tits do you think those are? Double Q's?
KC: This is serious, guys! I'm about to turn 30 years old. This is no time to look at tail.
JUNK: That's where you're wrong, Kemosabe. This is the most important time to look at tail. You wasted your 20's by not looking at enough tail. If anything, we should embrace the fact that we're 30, which means we're entitled to look at even more tail.
All the stupid sluts that are our age are now in their sexual prime. And they've had like, fifteen years to learn how to plow. KC: C'mon, Brain. You're with me, right? Aren't you worried at all?
BRAIN: Not really. I'm pretty drunk right now. I'd actually like to see some boobs too. All this worrying shit sucks. We're successful enough, handsome enough, and certainly drunk enough. Who fucking cares?
LIVER: Folks, let's ease off. I'm not 19 anymore.
MOUTH: Shut up. Pussy. Why don't you do something important?
LIVER: Like clean blood? Filter out toxins? Help in digestion?
MOUTH: How about shutting the fuck up? Because here come more shots!!! Sucka!
LIVER: Well, I guess I'll go back to work. Oh come on? Tequila, whiskey, and a fucking Cement Mixer? Did you de-mature?
KC: Don't you get it, guys? We're past our prime! Intellectually, physically, and sexually. This is awful. I'm in my own personal nightmare.
JUNK: I don't know what you're talking about. I feel fine. I see about 23 girls in the bar that I want to bang.
BRAIN: And I'm counting just 20 girls. Somebody has some fessing up to do.
KC: I wasted my sexual prime by going to church and always trying to make that one dream girl fall in love with me. I don't know….
JUNK: So what? Most chicks hit their sexual prime in their 30's, right Brain?
BRAIN: I don't know, maybe something like that. Let's snort some vodka.
NOSE: Leb's naught. I'be still sore fwom lass time.
JUNK: So all the stupid sluts that are our age are now in their sexual prime. And since they're now in their 30's, they're really fucking desperate. And they've had like, fifteen years to learn how to plow. So they're horny, experienced, and desperate. It's a win-win-win.
BRAIN: And maybe they're rich by now.
JUNK: Good thinking, Brain! That's my dawg!
KC: But now I'm five minutes away from being 30. I just wanted to have so much more done by now.
BRAIN: Who fucking cares? A-Rod didn't do shit until he was 35. Now look at him, he's banging Madonna or Lady Gaga or Prince or whoever and winning World Series's. And Batman. He was probably about 30 when he started fighting crime. And you know, chlorophyll.
KC: And what does that have to do with anything?
BRAIN: I have no clue. I'm hammered. Hey Hands, got the car keys on you?
HANDS: Let me dig around in the pockets.
JUNK: Yeah, that feels nice.
HANDS: Got 'em, see?
(Hands raises up to eyes)
EYES: Hey look, it's 12:01 a.m. Is that supposed to be important or something?
KC: Oh my God! I'm fucking 30 years old! I'm so fucking ancient. What am I going to do?
BRAIN: I have a completely logical solution.
KC: Okay. I'm up for everything. Brain, you're the logical one…
BRAIN: Hands, grab the keys, that can of PBR, and stab the lower side of it.
HANDS: Awesome. Time for the Shotgun Formation.
(Beer flies everywhere)
KC: This is your solution? Shotgunning beers?
BRAIN: A spoonful of mescaline makes the medicine man go down on you. Or something like that.
(KC shotguns the PBR)
MOUTH: That tasted like awesomeness. And barf.
KC: Great, so this is how you think 30-year-olds should act? My nice shirt and tie are covered in beer. My friends took photos of me and are going to post them on Facebook. This is a disaster.
JUNK: I don't see how. You know who looks at your Facebook page?
KC: My boss, my friends, my potential friends, and potential bosses.
JUNK: And young chicks who read that stupid crap you write. And then those hot young chicks show their hot young chick friends. And those hot young chicks get hot for you. And then this snowball of horniness just grows and grows. Because they think you're all old and cultured and rich and shit. But really you're just old and stupid and have a credit card. But they don't give a crap. You write about sex and that makes these young chicks think you know things they don't know, which makes them want you to teach them. And as long as you can keep that specious guise going, you'll have a chance at banging tail: young and old.
BRAIN: That was beautiful, Junk. Like two raccoons fucking underneath a dumpster on a starlit night.
KC: Fine, I'm with you guys. From now on, I'll use that sexually knowledgeable, slightly older gentleman of leisure thing on girls. I'll just have to keep that secret under wraps…
END