I’ve been observing nature a lot lately. Trees blowing gently in the wind, birds of all colors singing beautifully, and I’ve got to say: I’ve really found myself… unemployed.
My wife believes in horoscopes. That's so embarrassing. But what can you expect from a Libra.
I was a runner in high school. We went to the state championship. And when people say they went to the state championship, that means they lost the state championship.
I was bullied as a child. My mom told me to tell my bullies, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words–” but they just went, “You hear that guys? That's his weakness. Let's break his bones!”
Weather forecasters have been getting threatening messages lately. But to be optimistic they’re calling them “partly non-threatening.”
When we got to the restaurant I was asked if I had reservations. I said some but we'll eat here anyway.
Why am I not scared of haunted houses? I don't know, nothing jumps out at me.
Learning how to pick locks has really opened up a lot of doors for me.
Before you act, ask yourself, is this: My circus? My monkey?
Life is like a Jewish telegram: “Begin worrying! Details to follow…”
This morning I decided to break an old habit and put on my left shoe first. Now they are on the wrong feet.
Got a pony for my birthday. It got a sore throat so I took it to the vet. The vet said it was just a little horse.
If it smells like toast, walks like toast, and talks like toast, you are taking some powerful drugs.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle of petty recriminations, narcissistic fantasies, and repetitive loops of boring shit and predictable disappointments you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.
I asked a restaurant host if he validated. “Yes,” he said. “You are kind and deserving of respect.”
In school they tell you history doesn’t repeat itself. But it does if you fail all the tests.
What happened to pirates? They went from plundering the seven seas to stealing my Amazon order at 3 in the morning.
I feel like I’m the one being punished for Harvey Weinstein: I haven’t seen more than two decent movies in the last six years.
What is worse than the fall of the Roman empire? The winter.
What doesn't kill you may be arrested for attempted murder.