Humans are way more efficient than cars. I’ve walked thousands of miles in my life and only drank 1, 2 gallons of gasoline, tops.
At the end of the ceremony the priest hit the groom over the head with a two-by-four and the groom in turn kicked the bride in the stomach. We knew it was all scripted but appreciated the effort to make a boring event somewhat amusing.
I tried to be a butcher. It was great. I love working with animals.
Why don't people keep giraffes as pets? Because choosing a name for giraffes is not easy.
One of my thumbs snapped my other thumb in half. It turns out I have opposable thumbs.
My depression has been so bad lately, I think my dog is catching it. I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk and he looked at me for a long time, sighed, and said, “What’s the point? I’m just going to end up back at the same place I am now.”
Two hippies are driving to a concert. The driver says to the passenger, “Look out the window, and tell me if my blinker is working.” The passenger looks out the window and says, “Yes. No. Yes. No…”
I always wanted to be a psychic, but some things just don’t turn out how you imagine.
What's the difference between a bird and a plane? Birds can't even hold their own shit when flying but planes can fly and carry the shit of hundreds of people at the same time.
Holy crap! Who is that? I thought you asked if I wanted to see a dad body.
Come to think of it, organized crime is a lot better than UNorganized crime. “Give me the gun!” “There’s no ammo.” “Where the hell is the ammo?” “I forgot it in the car!” “Why??!” “Idk, don’t yell at me!!”
— Nam Tran
I have a mouse problem. They've been using my ping-pong table as a tennis court.
“No, I'm not saying I want to sell feet pics. I'm saying I'd like an appraisal.”
The hangman apologized because he accidentally put the noose under the sentenced man’s arm. “That’s okay,” said the condemned. “Just don’t let it happen again.”
Why don't animals wear shoes? Because they are happy with their height.
Recently became familiar with the concept of a yawn. For years I feared sleepy people were trying to eat me.
“Dress for the body you have, not the body you want.”
–Motivational serial killer
There's something about the Christmas spirit and how it grabs hold of me, locks me in the trunk of its car, and drives me around the woods of northern Maine for days that still mystifies and confuses me after all these years.
I was told at a very young age that I was gifted. I was also told that my parents never wrote a thank you note to Linda and Steve.
People have a glass of wine in the tub and they're just “winding down” and “relaxing.” I shotgun a few beers in the shower and I'm an “alcoholic” and “not even in my own bathroom.”