I just went on a date with an optometrist. She's gonna see another guy later and tell us which is better: 1 or 2.
I don't believe in sex after marriage.
Early paternity tests were only 50% effective: they told you that the child has a father, but they couldn't tell you who it was.
I think “renting your body” is a better description for prostitution than “selling your body.” Imagine someone says they're “selling their house” but you find out that they're just letting people have sex with the house for $200 an hour.
Told my co-worker we should form a union. We have now been happily married for 12 years.
You seem like the kind of girl who stops traffic. Do you happen to work in a red light district?
In relationships I'm like a tech entrepreneur: fail fast and fail forward (into my spaghetti).
A month ago my girlfriend convinced me to go full vegan. After eating two to three pounds of hay for every meal since then, I’ve come to the conclusion that love is overrated.
When my girlfriend said, “Let's pretend we're the only two people in the world,” she didn't expect me to immediately start grieving my dead family.
I recently joined a dating site. Turns out women find me utterly resistible.
Scientists declared multitasking a myth because when you multitask there is an increase in error, it also takes longer than completing one task at a time… is not the answer to “why did it take women so long to get the vote” according to my ex.
Why don't animals ever 69? Because they can't count that far.
McDonald's Employee: The ice cream machine is broken.
Women: I can fix him.
My girlfriend is obsessed with true crime documentaries about women who kill their husbands. I'm starting to worry about her husband.
“Mommy, what’s that deep groaning sound from inside the walls, saying that being with an adequate partner is preferable to risking a lifetime of loneliness?”
“Don’t worry, Sweetie, that’s just the house settling.”
I’m so into shopping local these days I’m dating someone from my hometown.
I say I’m in my hot girl summer era, but all I really do is just go up to guys in bars and ask them why we can’t just print more money.
Gas is so expensive, I can’t even afford a sex drive anymore.
*Sees empty skyscraper* I can fix him.
Weathermen don’t have regretful one-night stands, they have overnight lows.