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I always wanted to be a psychic, but some things just don’t turn out how you imagine.
“This town ain’t big enough for the two of us,” said Tiny Tim. “I agree, and to be honest, I think that’s mostly my fault,” said Enormous Tim.
I feel like I’m the one being punished for Harvey Weinstein: I haven’t seen more than two decent movies in the last six years.
What is worse than the fall of the Roman empire? The winter.
What doesn't kill you may be arrested for attempted murder.
Getting a dog is a lot like gaining a frat brother: he's always down to go out and rage, he'll support and encourage you through all your bad decisions, and at some point he'll lay in a hidden corner of your bedroom watching you bone your girlfriend.
When I could travel in time, I would travel back to the moment I wrote the first word of this sentence and change it to “If.”
Happiness is that feeling you get when you take warm laundry out of the dryer. Sadness is that feeling you get when your neighbor discovers you in their house holding their warm clothes.
What's the difference between a bird and a plane? Birds can't even hold their own shit when flying but planes can fly and carry the shit of hundreds of people at the same time.
Using a laptop at a standing desk makes you look like the saddest corporate DJ of all time.
“Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?” Juliet ponders after Romeo turned his phone location off after getting “drinks with the boys.”
God, exhausted after having created the sun: “Let’s call it a day.”
If a bunch of crows is a murder, and two crows are an attempted murder, is one crow just in the planning stage?
I'm a gumball, and the secret to withstanding inflation is really just a hard, protective shell.
Why are men, on average, taller than women? Because most mathematicians were men.
When my girlfriend said, “Let's pretend we're the only two people in the world,” she didn't expect me to immediately start grieving my dead family.
Horse racing: the only sport where they shoot the athlete and pay the equipment.
Holy crap! Who is that? I thought you asked if I wanted to see a dad body.
I was named after my mother. She was named 30 years prior.
— Diana Witt, @_dianawitt
No, Slender James is my father. Please, call me Slim Jim.