Me: It’s cool that you’re taking me to hang out with your dad.
Peek: Yeah man, thanks for coming. He really wants to see you again.
Me: Wait. He really wants to see me?
Peek: I know, it’s strange. Usually it’s only pissed off ex-boyfriends and stupid MILFs that want to see you. But I guess you can add an old man with ALS to the list.
Me: Fuck, I should probably put him right at the top, eh?
Peek: Hell if I know, man; it’s your list.
Liz: So like, since you don’t have a license, you can’t really go anywhere unless someone picks you up?
Me: Yup.
Liz: That probably reduces the quality of your social life.
Me: Yup.
Liz: You want to go out with some of my sorority sisters and hit up Ladies Night?
Me: Yes. Yes I do.
Me: So do I have to behave at this ballgame?
Peek: No. Why would you ask that?
Me: It’s an ALS benefit. I figure your dad wouldn’t want me being embarrassing.
Peek: Dude, he’s dying.
Jeff: Plus, he’s really cool.
Peek: I mean, you think he gives a shit if someone doesn’t like your behavior?
Me: Good point.
Random Dude: You’re dancing with three women.
Me: [silence]
Random Dude: That is awesome.
Me: [More silence; blank stare]
Random Dude: High five, bro!
Me: No thanks.
Jeff: You’re rooting for the wrong team.
Me: It’s a Phillies minor league team playing a Twins minor league team. What do I give a shit?
Jeff: You have to root for the Miracles.
Me: Why?
Jeff: Because man, if you build it, he will come.
Me: Are you drunk?
Jeff: Ease his pain.
Me: Please stop.
Some Guy: Hey man, is that your girl? She’s fine.
Me: Hold on. I can’t hear you.
Me [to Jenny]: This guy wants to hit on you.
Jenny: [Shakes head]
Me: [to Some Guy] Yeah, that’s my girl.
Some Guy: You’re a lucky man.
Me: You have no idea. You really have no idea.
Me: Hey Batboy, you suck! Get to work!
Peek: Why are you heckling the Batboy?
Me: Because he’s all mealy and he’s late and I mean, just look at him, he obviously sucks.
Jeff: No one heckles the batboy. He’s the only one not making any money.
Rachel: Not to mention, you know, that he’s like twelve.
Me: Fuck him. I will not accept excuses.
Liz: So Tina’s using Lisa’s backup ID so they have to go in separate and so you should probably go in with Tina because you’re kinda old and you’ve done this kind of thing a lot, right?
Me: You’re not making me feel like part of the group.
Tina: You’re old? You don’t look old.
Me: This is gonna be so much fun.
Random Guy: Did you hear Brett Favre’s a Jet?
Me: Who is Brett Favre?
Random Guy: Are you kidding? You’re kidding me, right? You have to be kidding.
Me: Excuse me. I have to go rekindle my relationship with my drink.
Me: I just told some dude I didn’t know who Brett Favre was.
Lisa: Who?
Me: The quarterback? Favre? For Green Bay.
Lisa: Never heard of him.
Me: You’re kidding me, right?
Me: Man, I feel like crap. I think those last five beers weren’t the best idea.
Peek: As opposed to the hotdogs?
Jeff: And the ice cream?
Rachel: And the Cracker Jacks?
Leon: Nate is a little kid when it comes to baseball games. He runs around and he yells and he snacks like crazy and then at the end of the night, he’s all tuckered out.
Melanie: More like passed out.
Me: Same difference.
Leon: Thanks for coming, Nate. It is always great to see you.
Me: You don’t have to lie to me, Leon.
Leon: Hell, even I know that.
Me: Fair enough.