I shouldn't be writing this. I shouldn't be sitting here. I shouldn't even be breathing right now. But I am.
And I owe it to all of you, my friends, family, fans and casual readers.
I have so much to say right now, but I'll do my best and keep this short.
I had an accident in Minnesota. I broke my neck. I spent the last week in a lightless dungeon hospital in Fargo, North Dakota getting put back together again by shaman, night nurses and welding interns.
The story is pretty funny all in all. It involves me, a lake, a wedding party, alcohol, a kodiak bear, a NATO-issued flame thrower, an intercontinental high-speed Corvette chase, two Dallas Cowgirls, only on Tamba Bay Buc Girl, a KABAR, my cell phone, a Philly gangster named "Big Crunch," an out-of-control school bus full of kids, one chainsaw (diesel-powered), an air conditioner, whiskey, Belmont Race Track, Spider-Man and a few other things. Mostly it involved a lake, a boat dock, poor judgment and a dive.
Again, thanks for the prayers, kind words, texts, calls, jokes and support. If it wasn't for you, I'd still be bobbing up and down in Lake Ottertail. Actually, I wouldn't, since it's apparently pretty shallow, but I hope you get the point.
I may have almost died three times. I had my last rites read. But don't worry. I'm still more or less the same guy you've always read. It may take me a bit to get on here again, but I'll be here.
My Organs And I have some funny stuff left. Believe me. The things that go on in a hospital are so cruel and horrible that they are just itching to be turned into humor stories.
Forgive me if I ramble or misspell words. It's been a long week.
I'm on about five pills right now. There are a lot easier and funner ways to get high than cracking your cervical vertebrate and then having them fused back together.
Court, thanks for the call. It meant the world to me that my fake boss called me more than my real boss. If you want to ring me again I can probably form words this time.
So for you, our faithful readers, do this one thing for me. Take a deep breath, and enjoy it. Take another one. Feel the air in your lungs, your teeth drying and just appreciate you've got that. Then, tell all the people who mean something to you –yes, all of them– and even the people you just sort of know, that you care. I wouldn't be out of the woods if it wasn't for people who cared.
We have a lot of fun on this site, but let me get touchey feeley for a second and say let's be nice to each other. Not just because of me. Just because being nice makes the world a better place. This isn't to say I'm going to quit making fun of farts, cripples or dumbasses, because let's face it, they deserve ridicule.
Do that and get health insurance. That will make life easier for everybody.
It's good to be back, and nice to know people care. I'm growing a beard and I've got a pretty badass set of scars. When I figure out my camera I'll post some photos.
You guys are the best and don't you forget it. Let's be kind out there. And look before you leap. Not every swimming hole is deep.
You're the best,
kc