If you're attending this week's Tampa Bay Buccaneers game and you don't enjoy the people sitting near you, you can have them forcibly removed without getting out of your seat. Simply by texting a complaint to (813) 277-6501, you can remove that loud mouth, beer-spilling drunk from the stadium. And I, for one, will not stand for such unmitigated horse flop.
Speaking for loud mouth, beer-spilling drunks everywhere, I just want to point out a couple of things. First, at what point in America's history did we decide that we needed to invite authority into our lives? We're basically asking to be ruled. We have no respect for human interaction or for the resulting character development and as such, we are teaching our children nothing about crisis management. Essentially, we're raising a bunch of dumb cows, just waiting to be chopped up and devoured by the powers that be. The next generation is gonna be a bunch of wusses.
Second, I hope all Bucs' fans understand that, as far as football games go, you want a lot of loud mouth, beer-spilling drunks. If the stands were filled with doe-eyed children and reserved sophisticates, home field advantage would mean nothing more than humidity (and that's gone by November). If it wasn't for raging, loud-mouthed, screaming, drunk, middle finger pointing dumbasses like yours truly, there just wouldn't be enough noise to drown out the signal calling. We're a crucial part of the game, I tell you.
And finally, couldn't this system be easily abused? I mean, if some sausage eating Packers fan is giving me shit, couldn't I just text him out of my life, take over his seat and laugh all the while? Couldn't we just bump every non-Bucs fan out of every game with simple keypad strokes?
Hmmm…. Maybe it's not such a bad idea after all.
On to the picks. As always, HOME TEAMS in CAPS. Also as always (this year's as always, anyway), I am joined by Nikki the Bartender and Scotty the Handicapper.
CHIEFS (-4) over Oakland
City of Oakland, I will be betting against your team every game this year until they lose me money. This organization couldn't be managed more poorly if they put me in charge and told me that they didn't want me to come to work with a blood alcohol content under .12. Apparently, the head coach can't hire the coaches he wants or run the defense he wants but the owner won't just fire the head coach because sacking a man invariably means paying him off. I've seen better structured high school drug dealing crews.
Nikki the Bartender, Scotty the Handicapper and I all agreed that the if the Oakland Raiders were a political career, they'd be Al Sharpton. Gotta love the unity.
Packers (-3) over LIONS
Scotty the Handicapper thinks that the Lions are gonna show us that they are much better than the team that lost last week and thus is going the other way on this one. Nikki and I both think that the Lions of last week reminded us of the Lions of the past ten years, which is to say that it's looking like another year of suck in Po-town (I am so freaking witty I make myself sick sometimes).
On a not-at-all-related note, does anyone else think that Aaron Rodgers looks like Bronson Pinchot? It can't be just me, right?
Titans (-1) over BENGALS
When Scotty and I pick the games, we do so at Peabody's before Nikki gets on shift. Scotty was settling into his first beer when I asked him about this Titans/Bengals game, igniting the following exchange:
Scotty: Man, what a bag of suck. Even the people with DirecTV wish they didn't have this game. I'll pass.
Me: You can't pass. That's not how this works.
Scotty: Screw it. I'm flipping a coin. Heads is Cincy.
Then Scotty flipped a nickel and it landed heads up. In an ashtray.
"Dude," I said. "That's like a metaphor for how much this game will suck."
"Yeah," said Scotty. "The nickel's the game and the ashtray's the trash. At least everything is where it belongs."
Oh, and Nikki and I both picked Tennessee on this one because we love manic-depressive quarterbacks and a chance to see Kerry Collins play. Really it's why we love the NFL.
Okay, not really.
PANTHERS (-3) over Bears
Nikki's going the other way on this one.
On a rare serious note, I just want to say congratulations to Kyle Orton on his victory against Indy last week. Kyle Orton, as you may remember, is the official quarterback of Points in Case. We here at Points in Case celebrate mediocrity, facial hair and heavy drinking, all of which are personified by the O-dog (that's right, I called him the O-dog). Orton looked like a stud in last week's game, battling in the red zone and protecting the ball when up against his own end zone. It just goes to show, Jack Daniels is an underrated performance enhancer. Oh, and having the year's first surprise player (Forte) didn't hurt the O-dog's chances, either.
And now it's time to add to the "People, Places or Things I Would Like Steve Smith to Fight List." Last week, I wished that Steve Smith would fight Clay Bennett, who deserves to be beaten to death (everyone outside of Oklahoma agrees on this, by the way). This week, I would like Steve Smith to fight Tampa Police Department's Officer Blanchard. He knows what he did.
Oh, and this seems like a good time to mention that the name of Scotty the Handicapper's fantasy team is TPD Sucks. Let's just say that the Police Benevolent Association gets no love from the patrons at Peabody's.
JAGUARS (-5 ½) over Bills
We all agreed on this one. And Scotty agreed to the tune of $500. I'm just saying.
Saints (pick ‘em) over REDSKINS
Scotty went the other way on this one and laid some cash down. Do with that information what you will.
Nikki and I feel that the Saints are a better team than we thought last week and that this line unfairly represents them. Breese and Bush looked money last week. I mean straight freaking get-out-the-case-of-Cristal money. It's impossible to be that money and not know it.
(Sorry about that. Swingers was on a couple of days ago.)
Colts (-2) over VIKINGS
We all agreed on this one as well, but Nikki had to flip a coin. And then she had to disagree with the result of the coin toss. And then she told me not to write down her pick yet and that she would come back to it. And then when she came back, she had come to the conclusion that last week Manning got all the suck out of his system (she called week one his pre-season game) and would be ready to go. We're all a little worried about the loss of Jeff Saturday and the aging defense of the Colts, but we're not ready to call the dynasty damaged just yet.
Giants (-8 ½) over RAMS
If not for the Oakland Raiders, the Rams may very well be the worst team in the NFL this year. And, as Scotty said, "We all know the Giants can win on the road." Oh, and Scotty would have taken this if the line was fourteen. Needless to say (but I'm saying it anyway), we all agreed on this pick.
Oh, and if you're looking for a joke in the above paragraph, it's in the first line, after the word, over.
SEAHAWKS (-7) over 49ers
We all agreed on this one, too. Though Scotty said he'd buy the line down to six if he was forced to bet on it. Fortunately, no one ever forces anyone to bet on anything, ever.
And maybe for something (that's better than not for nothing), I think this might be a clash of the two most erudite, elitist fan bases in the history of fan bases. I would love to drop all of the fans of both of these teams into Watts or East St. Louis. You know, because gay people and socialists are so good at gentrifying inner cities.
BUCCANEERS (-7 ½) over Falcons
Look, the Falcons cannot be as good as they looked last week. It's statistically impossible. It's inconceivable, it's ludicrous, it's wrong and it's a whole bunch of other things that I don't feel like learning how to spell. The Bucs should win this game handedly. Actually, the Bucs should be able to win this game one handedly.
Oh, and Scotty went the other way, stating that "I think we'll win, but Gruden's a horrible cover coach."
Nikki, much like myself, just can't bail on the home team this early in the year. Good girl, that Nikki.
Dolphins (+6 ½) over CARDINALS
The Dolphins were one hillbilly's fourth down heave from beating the Jets last week. And the Cardinals make the Jets look like Bradshaw's Steelers.
Nikki went the other way on this one. I don't remember why (at this point in the game picking, Scotty and I start getting buzzed).
Patriots (+1) over JETS
I believe that the annoying power of hate will overcome the loss of Tom Brady. There is no love lost (has anyone ever really lost an emotion before?) between these two teams. Also, and I know this sounds crazy, but I don't really think it matters all that much who quarterbacks the Pats. I mean, Brady was excellent, but wasn't he really more of a product of the ten seconds he got to throw the ball to speedy receivers on sleek out routes and smart slant routes in a crooked system wherein his coach pretty much knew what plays his opponents would run?
You don't have to answer that. Oh, and if you're a Patriots fan, please don't answer that. Your comments aren't necessary. Anywhere.
Scotty picked the Jets because he thinks that Cassel, and I'm quoting here, "sucks."
TEXANS (-4 ½) over Ravens
Nikki picked Baltimore because she just loves Division II quarterbacks whose names bear resemblance to a Keanu Reeves character from a crappy football movie. Scotty and I picked the Texans, me because I think they're improving and Scotty because the line of four and a half is a trap number.
"What's a trap number?" I asked him.
"A trap number is any number above a scoring increment that's meant to fool you into taking a road dog. If this spread was three, which it ought to be, everyone would jump on Houston, so Vegas jacks up the number a little, turns a three into, essentially, a five and everyone then bets on Baltimore because of the two points?' But two points can make or break any game and these teams are evenly matched."
Umm… okay.
Chargers (-1 ½) over BRONCOS
Nikki and Scott both went the other way on this one. Which means I'm probably wrong. And I know the Chargers lost Merriman for the season. And maybe I'm being stubborn and illogical but you know what, you're ugly.
And I hate your shirt.
Steelers (-6) over BROWNS
We all agreed on this one. The Browns looked shakier than Michael J. Fox on MDMA in a strobe-light-lit strip club last week. And the Steelers may very well be the team to beat in all of the NFL. Nikki didn't even flinch when I asked her this one and Scotty said he'd take the Steel Reserve if the line were minus ten.
COWBOYS (-7) over Eagles
We also all agreed on this one and Scotty said that the line might as well be fourteen, though I think that's a little strong.
You want a prime example of how screwed up a world we live in? You can bet on what color shirt Jessica Simpson will wear to this game. Read that sentence again. Then take a little walk, follow that up with a belt of scotch and take a nap. Because I have the smelly suspicion that humanity's not much longer for this world.
And I put ten bucks on white with pink numbers (it pays $30).
Scotty the Handicapper's College Pick of the Week
Each week, Scotty the Handicapper will relay to you which game he is betting on and why. Last week, he picked the 24 point dog Miami Hurricanes because of a double scoring increment break or some such gambling terminology. And he covered. By a point. But as he said, "One point or ten points, it's all money in the bank."
This week, Scotty the Handicapper is going with the USC Trojans, eleven point favorites against Ohio State. When asked why, Scotty said, "Whenever the public favors picking a particular team this much, I always try to make a case for the other team because the public is usually wrong, but I just couldn't make a case for Ohio State. They suck. Their best scorer is out… I just… I just can't make a case for them."
Last week, Scotty bet three scores and two over/unders. He went three for five and made about $500 overall. There are no guarantees in life, but the man's pretty good at playing the odds.
Nikki the Bartender's Sports Douche of the Week
Being a female bartender who knows a lot about sports does not preclude one from hating the misinformed bandwagon jumper in a pompous fan base. And so, each week, Nikki will be regaling me (or you directly because she is capable of quality writing but is sick today) with stories of the douchebags she has to deal with on a daily basis. This week's sports douche of the week hails from the northeast and knows nothing about baseball.
Apparently, a gentleman came into Peabody's and openly rooted for the Red Sox against the Rays. Scotty knew the gentleman in question and also knew that the man knows nothing about sports. So, the fact that a novice rooted so openly against his team kind of bothered him. Nikki watched and listened as the following conversation took place.
Scotty: Douche, I thought you hated baseball.
Douche: No, man. I follow the sport.
Scotty: How many players does the defense have on the field, right now?
Douche: Eleven.
Scotty: The batting coaches don't count, Douche.
It's one thing to root for your team in an openly embarrassing way while in opposing team territory, but it's quite another thing to pretend to know even the most basic thing about a sport for which you do not care. Sadly though, people suck.
Your Obligatory USF Homerism
Last week, the South Florida Bulls barely squeaked one out against the UCF Knights. Nikki worked the bar that game and was actually considering suicide would we have lost to those assholes. Fortunately, we didn't. But being a fan of USF watching that game was like being in a car accident. When it was over, I honestly checked my body for bruises, I breathed a little deeper than usual and I literally thanked God I was still alive.
Tonight, the South Florida Bulls take on the Kansas Jayhawks, who will definitely lose. How can I be so sure, you ask?
Because Coach Leavitt finally cut Captain Kick Misser, Delbert Alvar-Bag-of-Shit-O and replaced him with… well it doesn't really matter. The point is, the Bulls will add an element to their game that they haven't had in two years: field goals.
How bad did Delbert Alvarado suck? When I found out he was gone, I literally high-fived fellow USF fans and Nikki the Bartender rang the bar's bell, an act typically reserved for pos
itive performances by Tampa sports teams, which I guess makes the bell ringing apropos.
Scotty the Handicapper predicts USF by three points. I say ten.
Season records:
Nikki: 10-6
Scotty: 8-8
Me: 6-10
You read that right. We're both being beaten by a girl. And not in the good way.
Enjoy the games, sports fans.