I'm getting ready to walk over to a buddy's house for his annual Thanksgiving feast. I haven't had Thanksgiving at his place in three years. (I find people enjoy me more if they go long periods of time without seeing me. A few hours of me lasts a long time.) One thing I like about his Thanksgiving feast is that the place is almost always populated by my favorite type of Florida transplants: the loner transplants. You see, once you eliminate retirees, people who moved down here with their families and college students away from home you get left with the people who came here alone. And because I am one of those people, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that we are all Cool Hand Luke style badasses. At any rate, I'm looking forward to many conversations about other cities with people who hated said cities enough to leave. Goes great with Turkey.
Sometimes I think that terrorism is really a huge practical joke for psychopaths. You know, like there's a group of sickos looking over at America and saying things like, "Ha ha. They're taking off their shoes before they get on planes. Look, that one has a hole in his sock. It's too much."
Did you know that the Pilgrims lived here three years before they had their first Thanksgiving? It turns out that life really sucked for them in the New World in part because they had this communal style of farming where they threw all their crops into a bin and then equally distributed the food based on need. The fuckers almost died out until someone got the great idea to make each individual family work their own land. After that happened, old people who said they couldn't work miraculously figured out how to farm and the Pilgrims had enough food to trade with Indians and enough health to kill Indians and steal from them. Who says capitalism doesn't work?
The Detroit Lions are going 0-16. I don't care what anyone says. Oh, and not for nothing, but the last team to go the entire year without a win in the NFL was the '76 Buccaneers. Because of that truism, the older and younger generations here in Tampa are having the funniest conversations. Basically, a guy like me we'll say something like, "Wow, the Lions blew a 17 point lead in 7 minutes. They have to be the worst team in football." Then, some old dude will pull up his pants, get all cranky and say, "You don't know shit, son. The '76 Buccaneers were so shitty that teams actually let them start with a 7 point lead every game and they still lost." I mean, I've seen a ton of sports arguments in my day but this whole, who is the shittiest team ever stuff just kills me. It's like the Bizzaro World version of every other sports argument in America.
Two years and five months ago, I wrote this innocuous piece on starting a career as a drug dealer. And people are still commenting in the comment box. I read the comments the other day and I simply cannot believe that one piece I wrote laid the groundwork for what PIC's Xavier Holland called, "The shadiest comment thread ever." And I don't know whether or not to be proud of that.
No matter what anyone tells you, there just simply isn't enough Thanksgiving themed porn. And I think I know why. No one wants to eat while watching porn. Except my old friend Brian who used to love having lunch at the strip clubs in St. Louis. Come to think of it, he's probably the target market for Thanksgiving porn.
And finally, because Logic and Fluidity spent the last three months trying to teach a dumb bitch the difference between literally and figuratively, I leave you with the following, which was texted to me by PIC's fearless leader, Court "Why You Always Borrowing My Jacket" Sullivan:
"You may be an asshole sometimes."
I'm just glad he gave me permission.