"Oh my God! Thank you so much for this award. First of all, I'd like to thank Jesus for this award. He's the reason I have this award. If it wasn't for Jesus I'd still be serving baby back ribs at Hooters. Jesus and I were discussing my project and he really guided me…like with the lighting and the set design and my makeup.
Next I'd like to thank all the cast and crew because they are so wonderful and such special people and they make our show such a wonderful and special place to work. I think every one of them is so wonderful and special in such special ways.
I also want to thank my parents who are such wonderful, good people and they always supported me so much, just like Jesus.
I want to thank my boyfriend for his honesty for telling me I was a dirty whore with no brains.I'd like to thank my manager and my agent and my lawyer and my publicist and my pastor at my church and Joe Sampson, the man who sold me my car; and my eighth grade science teacher, Mr. Davison; my psychic, Malificeient, who didn't know I would win, but that's okay; the guy who sold me my delicious groceries last week; and the girl who was so gracious when I apologized over bumping into her on the sidewalk last week.
I'd like to thank the construction worker who objectified me while I walked by his worksite last Tuesday. I'd like to thank my kids Debra, Jamie, and Colin…actually I don't have kids, but if I did I'd like to have three and name them Debra, Jamie, and Colin…and thank them for this award!
I want to thank my boyfriend who just left me for another woman. I want to thank him for his honesty for telling me I was a dirty whore with no brains. You're so honest, Josh! I still love you! Thank you!
Oh God…I can't think, I have so many people to thank! Um…there was this guy working at the gym who yelled at me when I didn't wipe off the machine after using it. I want to thank him and the guy who sold me a latte once at Starbucks. Also I bought a rake once at Home Depot and—hell, I'll just thank everyone who works at Home Depot.
"Who, me?? Fuck ouuuuttta heerre, REALLY?! Aight, too much excitement for one year, I'm gonna head off for a nap now. Wake me up if you find any leaves, but you know, only the eucalyptus ones, so…good luck with that. Or, I dunno, maybe just one of those Halls Mentho-Lyptus Drops, whatever."I want to thank everyone in the audience, everyone at home, everyone who is living or dead…I want to thank the trees and I can't forget about the animals! I want to thank the bears, the black bears, the brown bears, the polar bears…oh god! The koala bears! I especially want to thank the koala bears!
Who am I forgetting? I know I'm forgetting so many people. The fire ants that have infested my kitchen I want to thank… and the rat that I saw in my garage last month. I can't think of everyone! I'm so sorry if I forgot you. They're going to start the music if I don't wrap up! Thank you all! And God bless you! Thank you!"