Thousands of years ago, the vast majority of homo sapiens evolved into homo sapiens sapiens. Some specimens, however, affected by a mutation of what later came to be known as the H1CK gene, followed a different evolutionary path. Modern genetic scientists euphemistically refer to this species as the homo-not-so-sapiens; most of us are more familiar with their pop culture epithet: hicks.
Much like the homo sapiens sapiens, hicks migrated extensively, and a once homogenous group of people was fragmented into a plethora of hick subpopulations. Some of the most prominent hick subspecies known to mankind are the Southern Hicks (Bible Belt inhabitants), the Chav Hicks (Albionic Hicks), the Mountain Hicks (hillbillies), the Mediterranean Village Hicks, the Gulf Hicks, the Alaskan Hicks, the Former USSR Hicks, and the Lost Tribe of Hick (which, despite its nomad nature, generally surfaces en masse after an attack on the promised land of Hick). Note that this list is in no way, shape or form an exhaustive exposé of the Hick phenotype, which has from time immemorial astounded human observers with its exotic variations.
Primitive transportation of the Southern Hick variety. Powered by Home Depot.For centuries, hick tribes had, for lack of a better word, prospered in seclusion. Alas, modern cultural homogenization, along with the gargantuan free flow of information that characterizes it, poses a very tangible threat to the peculiar hick way of life. It is our duty to preserve the homo-not-so-sapiens species and its habits by promoting hick awareness and engaging in constructive dialogue with our hick counterparts. After all, the 21st century is a century of unity.
This is a forum for human/hick understanding. Please refrain from using words or expressions that might offend our hick counterparts, such as evolution, atheism, liberal, pre-marital sex, etc. Also, for the sake of better inter-species understanding, avoid using exceedingly long words altogether.
| HICKCYCLOPEDIA |
Hickdom manifests itself in many forms, however, most modern hicks share some distinct physiological traits and social habits. Some widespread hick characteristics are listed below.
Habitat:
- Varies.
- Preference for rural areas.
- Although hicks usually feel lost and disoriented in large cities, some urban centers have become true bastions of hickdom (e.g. Utah).
- Porches.
Religious Views:
- Vary.
- Jerusalem is Jewish.
- Jerusalem is Christian.
- Jerusalem is Muslim.
- Many paths of hickdom converge under the Creationist umbrella.
Political Views:
- Conservative.
- Factose intolerant.
- As a rule of thumb, anyone living outside of a 100 miles radius from a hick community is evil and should not be trusted.
- Non-hicks living within that radius should be impaled, if legally possible, or at the very least deported (i.e. chased with torches).
- Guns.
- After years of anti-terrorist hegemony in hickpolitiks, observers report a revival of anti-communism.
Sexual Orientation:
- Homosexuality is a mortal sin (and as such should be practiced secretively).
- Idem for premarital sex.
- Inbreeding is common thereafter.
Physical Appearance:
- Varies.
- Physical deformations occur after continuous inbreeding.
- Some hickologists believe the use of wheelchairs is inevitable after five generations of inbreeding.
| NOTABLE HICKS |
Several hicks have excelled in their respective fields, which range from the hick-saturated country music industry to the most avant-garde form of hick science: Creationism. The following are some notable hicks.
- GW.
- Sarah Palin.
- Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
- The cowboy from Midnight Cowboy.
- Joe the Plumber.
- Bob the Builder.
- Larry the Cable Guy.
- Whoever adds his profession after his first name.