Aug 22 2022, 11:03 AM
Welcome to Beelzebub Elementary!
Hello proud parents,
Welcome to Beelzebub Elementary School! I am simply ablaze that you will be joining us this year. Our goal is to ensure that incoming demons feel terrified and resentful as we prepare them for a dark future of inflicting mental and physical pain upon mortals.
To prepare for school, here are some simple things you can do with your demon:
- Tune in to Darling Demons on YouTube for videos on how to enter the bodies of small animals, cause playground wars, and unleash chickenpox outbreaks.
- Share your own experiences learning how to make people suffer.
- Remember that all demons can be malevolent even if it takes a little longer for some.
Again, welcome to Beelzebub. I look forward to a torture-filled year.
All the worst,
Mr. Mara
Aug 29 2022, 5:57 PM
Great First Day!
I had fun meeting your demons and learning what burns them up inside. I just want to make sure we’re clear about our school expectations. Our school is built on a foundation of intimidation and calculated negligence. Therefore, we will not tolerate good deeds that may undermine the fear and scorn we hope to instill.
There was an incident in which one of our little demons healed the festering wound of a baby rabbit that another demon had been working hard to torture.
Parents, please talk to your demons to ensure they know that saving the rabbit was not “cool.”
Thanks!
Mr. Mara
Sep 12 2022, 3:43 PM
About the Incident This Morning
Good afternoon Mr. and Mrs. Daemon,
I am concerned about Agatha. She is the kindest kindergartener I have ever taught. This morning, your little demon literally helped an old banshee cross the street and greeted each classmate with a genuine smile while wishing them a “blessed day.” And this is just the latest example of unacceptable benevolence.
I am writing to ask for your assistance in changing this behavior. I could understand if your child were playing a prank, but Agatha seems to revel in the afterglow of kindness.
Please have a stern word with Agatha. We no longer incinerate children since last year’s accident, but we may be forced to cast your demon into another plane of existence.
I hope you understand the seriousness of the matter. If you have any questions, please reply.
Regards,
Mr. Mara
Oct 12 2022, 6:06 PM
The Last Straw
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Daemon,
I regret to inform you that after several attempts to modify your demon’s behavior through counseling and corporal punishment, Agatha has not shown any major improvement.
In fact, Agatha’s conduct has become intolerable. Today, Agatha gathered a group of classmates into a circle during recess and began affirming their identities and highlighting “qualities that make them special.”
That type of behavior will get your demon nowhere in this world. Trust me. It’s a cold hell out there, and we like it that way.
I have already referred the matter to DCFS (Demon Child and Family Services). It is clear you have given Agatha love and respect, and no demon child should have to endure that sort of environment. It will only make them weak.
If DCFS takes your demon, Agatha will be better for it.
Sincerely,
Mr. Mara
Oct 12 2022, 1:53 AM
Apologies
Dear Mrs. Daemon,
I know that we are not supposed to show compassion, but I had to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. As infuriating as it was to see Agatha care for others, I never thought DCFS would damn a demon child to a school for human mortals just because she was led astray by a loving father.
It doesn’t seem right. Human teachers are the true masters of torture. Even Agatha deserves better.
Again, I’m sorry.
Respectfully,
Mr. Mara