G'Day, Grinches!
Has going to the mall for supplies become a nightmarish descent into a bizarre realm of animatronic talking/singing Santa dolls and elevator musak versions of "The Little Drummer Boy?" Are you contemplating garotting strolling mall carolers with tinsel? Are you willing to wait in line for an hour just to yank Santa's beard off in front of dozens of horrified toddlers? Rest easy, Gargamels of the world, as your Scroogey Scribe is about to share with you his patented
XMAS SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR UNREPENTANT GRINCHES
* Replace Store Carolers' sheet music with versions of the carols printed upside down and back to front, thus ensuring that the next time they warble "God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen", they'll inadvertently summon a pissed-off Arch-demon. If you're planning on sticking around and watching the ensuing carnage, first make a protective Magick Circle for yourself- make it out of tinsel for that festive touch!
* Hire Al Gore to tell children that due to Global Warming, Santa's workshop is 300 feet underwater by now.
* Whenever a child asks you about multiple Store Santas, don't wuss out with the "they're his helpers" crap. The correct response to "Which one is real, Daddy/Mummy?" is "None of them, you little shit."
* Start your own Store Santa franchise. Refuse to let anyone sit on your lap except the hotter DILFs.
* Xmas movie marathon suggestions: GREMLINS; AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT; BLACK CHRISTMAS (1977 version of course); SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT; SANTA SLAYS and the killer Santa episode of TALES FROM THE CRYPT.
* Train a flock of Screech Owls to attack at the sound of a jingle bell.
* Leak a story to Fox News that Santa Claus is actually a Pregnant Man.
* When a child gives you their Xmas List, tear it to confetti and announce "All your Xmases already came at once (child's age here) years ago when that fucking condom broke."
* Point out to passersby that Jesus was a nice Jewish boy. Tear your shirt pockets and yell "Oy-vey, you're all going to hell, you Messhuggahs!" Offer to circumcise the more attractive males on the spot.
* Tell children that Santa unwisely chose to fly from the North Pole via Alaska, and that Sarah Palin shot the reindeer down and made caribou burgers.
* Be inspired by the parable of Jesus in the temple- grab a bullwhip, get thee to a Wallmart, and flog ye some Sinners! (and some sales assistants, mall security, pensioners…)
* Fake a Grand mal epileptic seizure for a fool-proof excuse to slap the living daylights out of tardy pedestrians in your way.
* Dress medical supply human skeletons in Santa suits and wedge them in chimneys throughout your neighbourhood.
* If any carolers are singing "Do They Know It's Xmas?", add the verse "Yes, but they don't really care because Ethiopia is a predominantly Muslim country."
* Have the Surgeon General do a series of advertisements pointing out that Santa's morbid obesity would have been "invariably fatal for a man of his advanced years many, many decades ago."
* Tell kids that Santa's Sleigh was falsely identified as an Iraqi Fighter jet over the White house and brought down with localized missile fire. Assure the children that "most" of the reindeer survived, as did Santa, "although those MPs beat him up real good." Tell them you're pretty sure Santa's in Gitmo by now.
* Dress as the Ghost of Christmas Future and offer to show people their Christmases to come. Take them to the nearest cemetery and point repeatedly at the nearest open grave.
* Warn parents that "due to last month's court order", they shouldn't let their child sit on Santa's lap without three police officers present at all times.
* Get a friend with long hair and a beard to dress as Jesus and have Him stage a Second Coming at the Mall. Have Him be outraged that nobody bought *Him* anything for his birthday.
* Ask all of the Department Store Santa's Elves how their marriage to Katie Holmes is going.
