(My usual Valentine's Day gets a kiss from yours truly)
What's to hate about Valentine's Day? I mean, you get candy, cards, oral sex and a nice meal. Wait a second. I don't get any of that shit on V-Day. Usually I just watch Terminator 2 in my jammies while drinking forties. And receive incredibly depressing hand-written letters from my grandparents asking why I'm not producing great-grandchildren for them.
But this year, I have options. Well, not with girls. But it doesn't mean I can't have options. And since Denver is the classiest town this side of Moose Knuckle, Missouri, here are some of the things I could do:
(This guy defintely touches himself in public)
What: SingleFest 2010
Where: Denver Public Library
When: February 14
How Much: Free
Who's Going To Go? A bunch of weirdos, bums and people trying to kind of discreetly look at porn.
Hidden V-Day Message: Find all the romance you want…and mystery, thrillers and old sticky National Geographics.
This isn't a real thing, but I figured the single people at the library are pretty awesome. Or homeless. Plus, the books are free and so are the chiggers!
What: Every Anti-Valentine's Day Party Ever
Where: Every bar pretending to be cool
When: Pretty much all of February
How Much: Chicks are usually free, dudes may pay covers (or end up buying girls drinks)
Who's Going To Go: Single people of all ages (and questionable IDs)
Hidden V-Day Message: Copious amounts of booze and cooz can cure your blues!
What better way to spend your February 14th than desecrating the good name of Valentine's Day? There are usually drink specials on stuff you'd never ingest: like "Fuck Your Candy Heart" shots and "I just broke up with my boyfriend" martinis. You can hang out with pissed-off girls who hate men. Or the dudes who are trying to pick up lonely females. Or the toothless Broncos fans looking for their pants.
What: KC's Awesome Valentine's Day Party
Where: My Loft In Denver
When: February 13-15th
How Much: Depends on how much you think you're getting, or giving.
Who's Going To Go? So fucking cool, I won't even be there.
Hidden V-Day Message: Those giant packs of Kleenex aren't just for tears.
Ever wonder where dreams go when they die? Try my place.
What: Romance Under The Sea http://www.aquariumrestaurants.com
Where: Denver Aquarium
When: February 13-14
How Much: I couldn't find it. Look it up yourself you lazy pricks.
Who's Going to Go? People who fantasize about drowning their dates, or feeding them to sharks.
Hidden V-Day Message: Love means you're trapped, just like these stupid fish.
Nothing says loving like watching fish poop.
What: Monster Jam http://www.monsterjam.com/home
Where: Denver Pepsi Center
When: February 13-14, 7:30 p.m. (show earlier and you might be able to touch one of the trucks, or the driver)
How Much: $25-$50
Who's going to go? Fucking everybody who's not a pussy.
Hidden V-Day Message: What could better quantify a day of love than watching something big and brutal crush perfectly decent little things?
This is the obvious choice. Plus, the engines on these big, bad motherfuckers are so loud, you won't have to listen to your date complain about inhaling exhaust fumes or the eight-year-old punk stealing her purse at knifepoint.
So, if you're in Denver, or want to come to the City That Sleeps, here are some ideas. Comment if you have other cool shit going on in your neck of the woods.