When I began writing this article, it started as more of an homage to my vagina. After all, my Pikachu and I have been through a lot, whether it was our first orgasmic experience together starring myself as a very surprised 12-year-old and a jet stream in my parents' Jacuzzi, or that confusing time in 7th grade in which only Playtex and a copy of Judy Blume's Are You There God? It's Me, Margret could solve. Clearly, my fingerhut and I have had our ups and downs. Also, I figured, if I can fake happiness with it, I can certainly write an article about it.
But as I got to writing, I began to realize, it's not my love garage that I should be paying tribute to, it's my breasts. Not only have they gotten me out of speeding tickets, they've gotten me free drinks at bars, a reduced rate on my car insurance, and I'm almost positive they helped the Boston Red Sox win the 2007 World Series Championship.
Boobs are awesome. Having boobs is awesomer. It is not until a girl realizes this and embraces her bosom that she can fully comprehend their power. I, myself, remember my own recognition of this epiphany. I felt like Christopher Columbus arriving on the shores of America. Or Alexander Fleming, making his serendipitous discovery of penicillin. Or that owl from those Tootsie Pop commercials, attempting to figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop.
That's why I have made it my mission, nay, my goal in life to help other women out there realize the potential we have to band together to use our breasts to one day take over the world. In just a few short paragraphs, you too will learn the tools necessary for utilizing your hooters to enhance your life.
If the Bra Fits…
It's a fact that approximately 80% of women are wearing the wrong bra size. Ladies, stop trying to cram your ginormous ta-tas into a bra that's too small. Many of you suffer from what I like to call Quad-Boob. That's when your bra is too tight and you've got the two normal size boobs and then two little pop-n-fresh boobs on top. Unless you're that chick from Total Recall, anything more than two is one jug too many.
Now, finding the right bra, after you've determined the correct size, is another essential element to making the most of your melons. If you're a Chestically Challenged sister, then you may or may not actually need a bra because your boobies are much like that of a pubescent boy. It's okay. Knockers come in all different shapes and sizes; knowing how to dress for your breasts will help you to play up your assets (or lack thereof). This leads me to my next point.
The Great Nipple Debate
Two nips are better than none?If memory of my senior year of high school serves me correctly, I believe it was William Shakespeare who asked the question, to be or not to be? To which, Mr. Shakespeare, I raise an even more puzzling question: to nip or not to nip? Most guys probably don't realize this, but selecting a bra is a pretty harrowing decision. After you've determined the correct size, you must then decide if you want things like a padded bra, underwire, front clasp, or back clasp. It's enough to make a girl give up completely and do the female equivalent of "free balling," or as I like to call it, "free bouncing."
While padding offers you the extra hoist your dirty pillows will need to be at their perkiest, no padding lets the ladies breathe a little easier. This is why you should select a bra with removable padding. Why? Because then you can decide whether to have your headlights on or off. I know that when I want to be taken seriously, I need to keep the nips at bay; however, when I want to distract a guy into doing what I want him to do, I let the girls go at full salute. He'll be so busy staring at your chimichangas that you can easily fool him into doing your work for you, or convince him to go to that Celion Dion concert, or trick him into marrying you. Once he realizes what you've done, you'll be popping out kid #2 and it'll be far too late for him to escape.
Accessorize the Prize
There are several ways you can dress to impress your Twin Peaks. While a low-cut shirt or low-hanging necklace will draw the eye in the desired direction, I recommend getting creative. A good tassel or pasty will usually do—you can even theme it. For example, St. Patrick's Day? Green, sequined tassels would look stunning. Christmas? Do what I did last year: small cut-outs of the baby Jesus on each pepperoni. Sure, the religious right might frown upon it, but you will most certainly be the life of your office holiday party.
Another recommendation: piercings. Yes, it might sound painful, but it's not as bad as you'd think. I remember my freshman year of college, a friend and I went to get our tongues pierced, but sadly, they wouldn't pierce my tongue because it's too short (this also explains why I would never be a popular lesbian). As I sat there, watching my friend get her tongue pierced, I was struck with a thought: I'm gonna get my Janet Jackson pierced. And I did. And you know what? I have so much fun accessorizing: maybe today I'll wear studs. Maybe some hoops. Maybe today a nice chandelier earring. While a guy might not notice any of your carefully thought out jewelry choices, he will certainly be intrigued by the piercing nonetheless.
When in doubt, let the girls out.So ladies, heed my words. Embrace your sweater muffins and I guarantee, soon enough, you will notice a drastic improvement in your level of happiness. You might also notice other added benefits such as free oil changes, help putting your groceries into your car, or a significant increase in the degree to which you are sexually harassed. Your rack holds an incredible amount of power and you've only got a few good years to utilize this before they're old and wrinkly and saggy and you can pretty much tuck them underneath your arms. Get out there and let those beautiful butterballs blossom to their full potential.